'My wife cheated on me with a single dad. AITA for my reaction to the affair?' UPDATED

"AITA for my reaction to my wife’s affair?"

I felt like a toddler throwing a tantrum asking my wife why why why? Why would you do this to me, to us, to our family?? My wife didn’t feel loved. She said I didn’t do much. She said she cheated because she changed more diapers than I did, she cheated because she cooked more than I did.

She cheated because she cleaned up more than I did, she woke up more nights to tend to our babies more than I did, she walked the dogs more than I did. My wife was a stay-at-home mom for about a year and now she works part-time. I try my best. I work 48 hours a week.

It’s really hard to do everything at home when you work that much outside of the house compared to my wife’s 4 hours a day at work. Our kids are 2 years old and 8 months old I found most of this information from going through my wife’s phone. My wife ended up cheating on me with a man she met at a children’s group. She cheated on me with a single dad.

She was immediately attracted to him because he was the only dad at the event. His wife passed. My wife was drawn to him being a devoted dad. He had the time to go to these events and be a dad and work at the same time because he has involved grandparents that help out a lot My wife would go over to his house with our kids.

I know everyone is going to ask why didn’t my kids say anything to me. Well one of my kids is 8 month old and the other one is 2 years old. My 2 year has a speech delay and he can only say 2 words. My kids are too small to understand what’s going on. They don’t automatically think “I see a different man and that means mommy is cheating.”

They don’t understand any of that. Their memories don’t work like that either. I’m sure my wife isn’t blowing this guy in front of my kids and she keeps it friendly when my wife is around the kids in front of this man. But this is how my wife and this guy are spending so much time together too

She also lies when she says she’s going somewhere, leaves the kids with me, and goes out with her boyfriend. They text all the time. That’s really what made me think something is going on she was just on her phone so much. My wife says she’s not sorry for cheating on me and I deserved it by being such an absentee father.

She says that my 2-year-old prefers mom and never goes to dad and that’s because my 2-year-old doesn’t know me like that and how the kids only know their mother and I’m gonna just get stripped away my parental rights when she leaves me for her boyfriend since that’s the kind of state we live in too.

She told me that she fell in love with the other man and that’s what hurts most out of all of this. Part of me wants to go to this guy's house and punch him in the face.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

bigooofnightrider wrote:

You need to leave this evil witch 🙂‍↕️

OP responded:

She’s leaving me first, it doesn’t matter who leaves who. She already made up her mind. She’s leaving me for him.

Specialist-Day-1929 wrote:

We all understand your feelings but going and punching that guy wouldn’t help you. Obviously, your wife is a horrible person. I would not want bewith a person like that one more second. Forget your wife, they will try to steal your kids. Get a lawyer, divorce papers, and try to get good terms for you. They're already planning family life with him as the father.

A1sauc3d wrote:

None of that is a reason to cheat. She stabbed you in the back. You’ll never be able to trust her again. Forgiving someone for cheating is tantamount to condoning it. You’re telling them they can get away with it and you’ll stay with them. Even if your words say otherwise, that’s what your actions say.

So it’s likely only a matter of time before they cheat again. There’s no working things out with someone who’s comfortable betraying you like that. It’s over, man. She did the unforgivable. It’s not the guy's fault, it’s your wife’s fault! He didn’t make vows to you, she did. All your anger should be directed at her.

I mean don’t punch her, but don’t punch him either. This is 100% your wife’s fault. And now the relationship is over. Collect the evidence and lawyer up. She’s not sorry, and she loves him. Time to face the music. The marriage is over. Start focusing on what’s best for you and your kids. Your wife isn’t your concern anymore.

haven0answer wrote:

Working 48 hours a week, plus commuting, leaves you with very little time to do much. She's got time, and energy, to fool around, but wait until Real Life comes knocking. I'd like to see what AP says when she brings 2 more kids into the relationship.

When he's the one with 3 preschool kids, a full-time job, housework, life, and a woman that barely holds onto a part time job. His life...his plate will be full, and I wonder how he'll cope with life with a woman who has a record of cheating and keeping Score. If you think about it, you're getting off light. Fight for custody. Your poor kids are getting the shaft.

After receiving lots of feedback, OP shared an update:

My wife filed for a divorce and said it’s best if we split up. She’s living at her sisters. She has been using my card but it has her name on it too. I can’t change it right now. But she’s legally allowed to do this. We split most of our days with the kids, she has them more since she let her job and I work almost 50 hours a week.

She told me “if you did what he does for me then I wouldn’t have found someone better.” And that won’t stop playing in my head. This is going to be impossible to get over. Not only did I lose my family ,but I’m going to get screwed when our divorce is finalized. I have been speaking to an attorney and I’m gonna be expected to pay alimony and child support.

No, it doesn’t matter if she cheated on me. She’s likely to push for full custody and even if it’s a 50/50 split she’s still going to get child support and alimony. I’ve been searching for new jobs with a better schedule, but the pay is significantly less than what I currently make. Then I would just lose everything and everyone, so taking a lower-paying job isn’t an option.

I am trying my best to search for a good-paying job with a better schedule. She’s still dating the single dad too if people are wondering. I’m sure she didn’t move in with him because she doesn’t want to get screwed out of alimony money.

Edit: STOP giving me legal advice unless if you’re an attorney and actually know my entire situation. I already have consulted with more than one lawyer about my situation, my lawyers aren’t lying to me just for the hell of it. I’m sure they know more than a random person on the internet with probably no degree.

I’m not reading or responding further to any advice comments. I’m not asking for legal advice. I’m just venting and providing an update because a lot of people asked me for an update from my very first post.

Here's what people had to say in response to OP's update:

deliciouspanda555 wrote:

The card should have a primary user. You can remove her if you are the primary and you should do it ASAP! If you are not the primary user you can call and get your name removed. No one can force you to stay on a credit card. Don't let her continue to pile up debt! FYI, if you remove her as an authorized user, make sure to get a new card. Good luck!

OP responded:

No. It’s not advised by my attorney, they’ll look bad for me. I’m legally restricted from moving or hiding money during a divorce. It’s basically a restraining order type of thing from screwing over your wife financially during a divorce until the judge makes the final outcome.

DonJulio171 wrote:

This is why I’ll never get married lol.

OP responded:

Yeah don’t. I’m never doing it again.

Accomplished-Past952 wrote:

Don’t worry, just how they met each other is exactly how they’ll lose each other. When it all falls to pieces and she “wants her family back” remember how you’re feeling right now going through this. I really really hope the best for you.

OP responded:

People always say that. I do believe that can be true sometimes but I’ve also seen it work out at the end for two s**ting people.

Jumpy_mixture wrote:

Likely unpopular considerations: Did you spend time with your young children after your exhausting 50 hours at work? She was working 20, apparently, and maybe picking up most of the duties at home? Not AT ALL an excuse for her cheating, but perhaps a dynamic to explore. You say she‘s still using your mutual accounts. Is she going wild, or just buying what she and the kids need?

You cannot flat-out cut them off without a court order, or you could be found guilty of neglecting your kids. (Disclaimer: I AM a lawyer, but none of my words should be construed as legal advice, and this post does not establish an attorney/client relationship) You’ve been dealt a shit hand, man, and I understand that you are hurt (justifiably).

However, in the best interest of your children, be cautious of burning bridges. If you want a relationship with them in the future (do you?), remain as calm as you can. Ask to see them. That is your right. She might be gone, but if you live in a no-fault divorce state her actions on that front will not matter.

Your kids are who you should be focusing on, and I don’t see much about them in your posts. Focusing on revenge will get you nowhere. But for real, I’m sorry you’re going through this awful situation. Sending strength and peace your way.