'AITA? My wife did not wear her wedding ring multiple days in a row.' + Update
"AIO that my wife did not wear her wedding ring multiple days in a row?"
Dangerous_Ad_9818
Hello everyone, this is my first time posting here. As stated in my title, I am hoping to get your insights on wearing wedding rings in public. For context I (33M) have been married to my wife (32F) for a little less than a year, however, we have been in a stable, exclusive relationship for 10 years and have been living together for 8. She is the love of my life.
She proposed to me about 6 years ago. I said yes, but we ended up having to postpone our wedding several times due to our school schedules, venue cancellations etc. We have been wearing wedding bands ever since the proposal. Two days ago, she came home from shopping and said that the cashier was hitting on her and possibly asked her out.
I am not threatened by other men hitting on her, since our relationship has a very strong foundation and we usually find it comical. However, she mentioned that she did forget to wear her wedding band ring, and that's possibly why the cashier was flirtatious with her.
Yesterday, we were planning on going to see a movie. As we were walking out the door, I noticed that she was not wearing her ring again. I asked (in an admittedly not pleasant tone), "so do you not wear your wedding ring in public any more". She was kind of taken aback, and said no she just forgot to put it on and went and put it on before we left.
The rest of the day, things were a bit tense, but we ended up seeing the movie and thought we enjoyed it. However, once we got back to the car, her attitude clearly shifted. I asked how she was doing and she said "I have a headache because of you".
She then explained how she didn't appreciate me bringing up her not putting on her wedding ring, that she's human and made a mistake and forgot to put it on. I was just like "ok that's fine".
But then she continued, clearly upset, saying that she's an attractive women and she can't help if people hit on her and ask her out. I was like, ok that's true, but if she was wearing her ring that would probably prevent people from asking her.
She said that the cashier probably wouldn't have seen it and would have asked her out anyway, and that she as a person is not defined by whether she wears the ring or not. We drove home in mostly silence, but she did apologize that she snapped at me in the car, which I accepted.
I want to emphasize that we do not have any previous trust issues, and I am in no way insinuating that she has been intentionally not wearing her ring. This is also the first time I noticed it, which I probably wouldn't have if she didn't mention her interactions with the cashier at the grocery store the day before.
However, I am a bit startled by how defensive she got in the car and don't really know how to process what happened. I'd greatly appreciate it if yall could share any insights you may have regarding yourself/partner not wearing wedding rings in public.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
a_badflower
My husband's wedding band is in the Atlantic Ocean, mine is too small for me to wear now. We have been together 23 years. As far as her being hit on...men do not care/look for a ring.
I was walking with my three children, one was literally hanging off my body in a carrier, and a man asked if he could "give" me my next baby. In front of my children. A huge number of men have no shame or game.
OperatorP365
My wife works in healthcare, can't wear metal jewelry so she was wearing the silicon bands. Now she doesn't even try. over 10 years of marriage I'm not worried about any messages or guys hitting on her, I'm just angry I spent 10k on a ring that sits in a box on the dresser...
sparksgirl1223
I am saying this as gently as possible, but yeah, I think you're overreacting. The ring is a symbol, yes. But ,it's just that, a symbol. It isn't going to magically erase thirsty guys' intentions. It isn't a force field that magically stops flirting or outright questions of "will you go with/do xyz to me."
I've been married 3 years, with my man for 6. I took off my rings to shampoo my hair and thought they'd gotten lost. I didn't stress over it, and he never said a single word, because we know our relationship is much more than JUST those rings.
Ps I'd put them in my jewelry box...they weren't lost at all 😂. If I were you, I'd sit quietly and ponder why you flipped out. Do you suspect her of stepping out? Did someone in the past use this ruse to dupe you?
Do the rings mean more to you, symbolically, than they do to her? You don't have to tell me (and I hope you dont) just ruminate about it silently and figure out WHY it bothers you so much. I hope you can figure out what it is.
SmokeyMiata
This is a good take. While OP can be upset about it, it would be best to indeed think why it caused that reaction and have a convo about it with the partner.
grumpy__g
I barely wear my rings since my pregnancy. I constantly wash my hands and it got annoying because I also have to moisturise my hands. Even years after having a baby I constantly forget it. My husband and I only wear it, if we go out together. None of us cares.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
"AIO That my wife did not wear her wedding ring for *2* days in a row? (UPDATE)"
Dangerous_Ad_9818
Wow! I never would have thought that this post would have blown up the way it did. I was amazed at the diversity of responses. I tried to read them all, but obviously that was impossible. Thank you to everyone that gave a thoughtful comment/insight/advice.
There were many moving parts to the original post, and responses covered a wide array of topics. I ended up identifying the major themes of responses, while trying to ignore extreme responses on either side (I.e. I am an insufferable and controlling monster, vs my wife is already getting dicked by multiple people).
My main takeaways were that my passive aggressive comment at the start of the day was uncalled for, and likely overshadowed the rest of our day date. This likely contributed to the tense and defensive word exchange later in the day.
I also had no idea that so many married couples did not wear their wedding bands regularly/if at all. My parents never took their rings off, and I figured that’s how it was with everyone.
Clearly that is not at all representative of the diverse array of ring wearing standards across individual relationships and even individual spouses. Finally, I suppose I was naive thinking that wearing a wedding ring would deter people from hitting on my wife.
When I was single, I would always double-check if there was a ring on someone’s finger before pursuing. I think someone is a real POS if they knowingly hit on someone that’s married.
Ok, finally here’s the update. My wife came home from work (I work from home) and we sat down for dinner. I started the conversation first by apologizing for my tone/snarky question the day before. She said thank you and accepted.
I then, said that I was triggered hearing her tell me that she was hit on by the cashier and her explaining that it may have been due to her not wearing her ring. She asked me whether I wanted her to tell me when people flirted with her.
I said sure but it’s up to you, I assume that this happens frequently because she is so beautiful etc. we hugged it out. I then asked that I was curious why she got so defensive in the car after the movie.
She said she wasn’t feeling great and that she didn’t like me insinuating that it was her fault she got hit on, and that she sometimes forgets to put her ring on. I apologized again, and acknowledged that even though we have been together a decent amount of time, we never actually discussed what we wanted the value of our rings to represent.
I actually suggested that I’d be ok wearing them less if that was more comfortable. She said that no she wanted to still wear them out in public, just that I need to understand that people forget things like this and it’s normal.
End of story, we are on good terms, and she thanked me for bringing the topic up again so we could work things out together. Thanks again to this thread for sharing your diverse perspectives.
Taken individually, a decent amount of comments weren’t super helpful. But taken as a whole, clear trends were uncovered which I found incredibly useful. Special thanks to those who provided thorough responses and insights on their own marriage dynamics. Never thought this would have blown up but I’m glad it did!
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
BababooeyHTJ
Happy you guys communicated and it ended with understanding on both sides.
lakehop
Great to see a real life example of listening, understanding, opening the mind to alternative views, exploring what the partners actual motivation was. And even an apology! Kudos. So many crazy comment in many of these threads demonizing people and putting the worst interpretation on their actions, with little or no evidence.
Proper-Scallion-252
Honestly I'm completely astounded that a Redditor actually communicated with another party in order to get an understanding of the experience and compromise. This might be the first time, actually.
pac4
Wait wait wait… you mean honest and open communication with your significant other is better than stewing quietly before posting about it on Reddit?!??
ConsiderationJust999
I encourage you to hear her out about getting hit on. The ring really does not affect how guys act at all. Also pay attention to the circumstances. My wife was just hit on while walking 2 dogs by a guy driving by in his car yesterday.
Once she told a guy she's married and he responds, "is it serious?" My wife's fingers don't always fit her ring because of things like temperature so sometimes she changes the finger or doesn't wear it. Once she had it on her middle finger and a guy hit on her so she moved it to her ring finger and told him she's married and he started arguing with her that she's lying....
The take home to all of it is women are exhausted by constantly being objectified and sexualized and men should learn to give them space when they are just going about their daily lives. I hope you learn that as your wife tells you her story.
And maybe you also learn that you have nothing to fear from a handsome man trying to talk to your wife while she's buying groceries. -as in she probably won't cheat, she still may need to be careful in the parking lot because guys can be dangerous!