"My wife divorced me 5 years after making me get a vasectomy. AITA for not speaking to her anymore?'

"My wife divorced me 5 years after making me get a vasectomy. AITAH for not being on speaking terms with her anymore?"

My ex-wife (32F) and I (32M) finalized our divorce proceedings last year. We had a kid when we were 21, we got married at 25, and at 26, my wife made me get a vasectomy because she did not want any more kids. I was hesitant because I always wanted more kids, but for the sake of our marriage, I decided to get a vasectomy, and my wife was very happy about it.

However, our marriage went through its ups and downs, and we both amicably decided on a divorce because we weren’t compatible. Even after the divorce, we were on good speaking terms and we were good friends. However, a month after finalizing our divorce proceedings. I went to the doctor to check if my vasectomy could be reversed.

After evaluating everything, the doctor told me it couldn’t be reversed. I was devastated, and really regretted listening to my wife many years ago who made me get this vasectomy, and who also then divorced me later.

I took a week off work because I was really struggling with this news, and I built up a lot of resentment towards my ex wife, but for the sake of our son, I acted like everything was normal. However, I decided a week later after speaking to my sister that I needed a clean break from my ex wife and to cut off all communication with her even though she was my son’s mother.

My sister let my ex-wife know. The co-parenting arrangements would still be the same and I would drop and pick up my son, but if my ex-wife attempted to even say anything or speak to me, I would go to the courts and the co-parenting arrangement could then become extremely complicated.

Any further communication with me would be via my sister. It’s been almost a year since this arrangement, and my son asks me occasionally why I don’t speak to his mom anymore. He told me he’s seen his mom crying many times especially after I drop him off, and when he asks her about it, she says nothing.

My sister tells me my ex-wife is very remorseful about it, and if she could take it back, she would, and she’s asked multiple times if we could at-least communicate normally because she misses talking to me. But I will never go back on it, especially as I’ve now been dating my current girlfriend for a few months and we’re becoming serious. AITAH?

The internet was quick to share their comments and questions about the scenario.

altarwisebyowllight wrote:

I understand that coersion is very much a thing, but you do need to take some responsibility for your decision. You agreed to the procedure and went through with it. If you were under such duress that you could not say no without horrible consequences, then you were in an ab-sive relationship.

And that is what you need to come to terms with, and not just the vasectomy. If you balk at the suggestion of this idea, though, you've gotta stop laying all the blame on your ex, man.

Connect_Way_7724 wrote:

Get a co-parenting app. You have to discuss important events/things for your son. Unlike most of the people here I want to be clear: you don’t owe her anything else. Not because of the procedure, just in general. No one owes their ex anything. You do however have to parent your son. That means knowing about illnesses, school events, behavioral issues etc.

clearheaded01 wrote:

Get a second opinion.

makersmark1 responded:

This, look up the Vasectomy reversal group on Facebook, and look up ivf (tese?). Both have helped us. It may even be cheaper than reversal.

Talbot1978 wrote:

Go see another surgeon. Also, there is another procedure I think that can take a fine needle and extract sperm from the testes? There are options depending upon finances and where you live. Donor conception could also be an option. Also get therapy. Just for getting through this. It’s a very extreme response to your grief.

Plastice_Concert_4916 wrote:

You realize if you go back to court, you're not going to look good for being the one who refuses to have any communication with your child's mother. You still have to talk to her regarding your son, even if it's through a co-parenting app or something.

Ultimately, you're the one who decided on the vasectomy. It's not like she knew you were going to get divorced when she asked you to get one. She didn't force you, she didn't hold a g-n to your head. You could have said "no, that's a deal breaker."

TheBattyWitch wrote:

What you need is some therapy. I understand that you were on the fence about getting the vasectomy in the first place but you decided that for the sake of your marriage to go through with it.

But you're acting like this was some sort of premeditated thing that she did to you. That she premeditated convinced you to get a vasectomy just so she could divorce you later and you wouldn't be able to have other kids?

You're under no obligation to talk to her about anything but your son, but going so far as to say if she ever speaks to you, you'll go to the courts and make things needlessly complicated, like that wouldn't hurt the son you claim to care about, is extreme. Either you love your son enough to co-parent respectfully and peacefully, or you love your hurt ego more. Which is it?

hugh_jorgyn wrote:

I don’t wanna call you an AH, but you come off as very immature. You seem to be projecting blame a lot. You first said you both agreed to divorce, then you blame it on your ex: “she divorced me”. Also, as a fellow snipped guy, I’m going to tell you that as a grownup you could have said No.

It doesn’t sound like she put a g-n to your head. And even if she threatened to break up if you didn’t do it, you should have said No. I for one wouldn’t want to be with a person who forces me to do things against my will. Divorce or no divorce, you made the conscious decision to no longer be able to have kids. No matter how your relationship would have turned out, you still could not have any more kids.

Thirdly, the way you phrased your ultimatum to her: “if she says even a single word, I’m going to court”. That sounds childish, honestly. I understand being resentful and not wanting to be in contact with her anymore, but being this rigid about it won’t help, it will just escalate tension and ultimately hurt your child. You can already see that the kid is feeling the tension and it’s not good for their development.

Edit to add: I’m divorced too and honestly being snipped is the best while dating, because I never have to worry about accidents. Of course, I use additional protection, but if it happens to break, I just get an STD check and I’m good.

Never do I have to worry that some random one night stand would end up in a life-altering situation. Also, if you really want to have another kid one day, there are ways to get your swimmers out without reversing the vasectomy.

AuntieMeridium wrote:

Which is it? "My wife made me get a vasectomy" and "I decided to get a vasectomy."

"My sister let my ex-wife know." That's the farthest from a clean break.

Did you get a 2nd opinion from another doctor?