'My wife doesn’t know that I know she’s having an affair. What do I do about this?' UPDATED

"My wife doesn’t know that I know she’s having an affair."

I (49M) have had suspicions that my wife (37F) is having an affair for a few months. I will admit before I go into it that I am very low libido. We’ve been together for 16 years and I wasn’t always this way, but the past 5 years or so I just don’t have interest in intimacy. My wife has said this is a problem for her, but I never thought she’d have an affair.

Anyways, my wife was doing her usual texting and smiling at her phone the other night on the couch when she dozed off and let her phone fall to her lap. I grabbed it before it locked and checked her texts. The top text was someone called Doctor Michael (she’s a nurse at a hospital), so I assume he’s a doctor she works with.

They talked of things they’ve done together, seeing each other again, and just normal everyday conversation. He kept calling her baby girl and she’d call him babe or “daddy”, which made no sense since she’s older than him. Some of their convos are pretty deep like there’s an emotional element which hurts more.

I looked at the pictures they’ve shared with each other, selfies, memes, spicy pics, and the most soul crushing, one he sent her that appeared to be him inside of her. I went to block his number and saw in the contact notes that my wife had saved his birthday. He was born in 1993. Not only is he about 5 and a half yrs younger than my wife, he is 17 years younger than me.

This felt even more crushing somehow. I can hardly look at her now. I just needed to get that off my chest and it’s too embarrassing to tell my family or friends. If you made it to the end thanks for reading.

The internet kept the comments coming.

EntertainmentFast497 wrote:

Aside from the cheating stuff, have you tried to have your testosterone checked for the low libido?

slowfadeouthoney wrote:

Yeah man, a lot of guys think low libido drive just comes with age, but that’s not always true. What she did is still wrong, but checking your health could help you feel better no matter what happens with the marriage.

lesterholtgroupie wrote:

The age gap should be the least of your worries.

Anastriannnna wrote:

Cheating is wrong, of course. But your wife is much younger than you (I have no idea why you married a 21-year-old at 33, because it's a complete mental leap and a stage in life, but I'll give up on it, you were both adults after all), and you admit that you've had a low libido for several years and there's been no intimacy in your relationship. And what...haven't you done anything about it for several years?

You haven't had your hormone levels checked, you haven't had check if you have any medical conditions? You haven't seen a s*xologist to see if the cause is something with mental health? You haven't done anything to find the cause of this problem and try to fix it, and you just expected your wife, who is 12 years younger than you, to simply accept the lack of intimacy with her own husband? Really?

S*@ isn't the most important thing in a relationship; there are more important foundations, but it's still a very important part. Your wife even told you that your low libido was a problem for her, and yet you didn't do anything to address it. You didn't go to a doctor, you didn't go to a sexologist, you did nothing, and it went on like that for several years.

Should your wife have an affair? Of course not. If she's had enough of this relationship, where you see your problem but do absolutely nothing about it, and you've simply lived with a low libido for several years, knowing it's a problem for your wife, then she should simply break up with you.

I don't condone an affair, and it can't be justified. But it's certainly possible to explain where her need for an affair came from. I don't think you considered how she felt or what her needs were, and you didn't do anything to address the problem you were having.

Because sometimes people have such problems; it's normal. Sometimes health simply fails for various reasons, and that's it. It happens. There are illnesses that completely prevent s#@. But besides penetration, there are other ways to achieve s#xual satisfaction in bed, and from your post, it seems you haven't been interested in that for several years, not even in giving only your wife physical pleasure.

I understand her and her reasons. I repeat, the affair isn't the solution, and I think she made a mistake by cheating on you. I think she should have pushed you harder and made it clear that if you don't take action, go to a s*xologist, psychologist, psychiatrist, or other doctor to check things out, your relationship will end.

Because it's completely normal for people in a relationship to need sex, at least occasionally. And if not s#@, at least intimate attention and giving each other physical pleasure in bed in other, intimate ways. With toys, different positions, and with her husband's participation.

I think your wife would have a lot to say about her feelings over the past few years and your lack of willingness to fix the problem. Again, the affair was a mistake on her part; you have the right to feel hurt, and you certainly do, because you experienced big betrayal. Nothing justifies this. Your wife's behavior can't be excused in this case either, but I think it can be explained and specific reasons given.

sheezuss_ wrote:

The fact that she said it was a problem and he just…(seemingly) let this continue without being concerned about her needs is…disappointing but not surprising for a man.

One day later, OP shared an update.

As a brief refresher, I (49M) found texts between my wife (37F) of 16 years and her doctor coworker (32M) that made it clear they are having an affair, including using affectionate names for each other and a picture of him inside of her.

I admitted to having a very low libido for the last 5 years and was/am embarrassingly hung up on him being so much younger than me. I confronted my wife after she got home from work last night about the texts between her and Doctor Michael.

She admitted everything and seemed bewildered that I was hurt. She said she doesn’t think of him seriously. He’s just a “friend with benefits.” She said it’s mostly my fault for ignoring her concerns about our stale love life. She said she tried with me and I didn’t “try back” so she gave up. She told me she sees me as a predator now that stole much of her youth.

Because I’m a glutton for punishment I demanded to see more texts since I originally found out. She showed me and they were bad. Him telling her the sick things he wants to do to her and calling her “sweet girl” and her saying “anything you want” and “when I’m with you I’m yours”, playin up the doctor BS, “follow doctors orders baby girl” I thought I was gonna puke.

I lost it and called her a word that starts with a w and rhymes with chore (idk if I’ll get censored if I type it out), which opened up a can of worms. She countered by telling me that Dr. Michael is better than me in every way. He’s taller, stronger, bigger, more powerful, more handsome, more passionate, he f#$s her better than I ever did, when I think she’s out with friends she’s actually at his apartment being “manhandled.”

To top that off she said it wasn’t the first time. She reminded me of when she went into Manhattan last summer for a friend’s bday. She said she met a 26-year-old guy visiting from the UK and that he asked her to go back to his hotel with him.

Of course she obliged. I accused her of making this up just to upset me at which time she pulled out her phone, scrolled for a couple minutes then turned the phone around to show me this young man, beaming from ear to ear outside a bar with my wife draped in his arms like she was a toddler.

So now there’s some kid on another continent telling his buddies about how he f#$ked some girl in New York. That was my wife.

This experience taught me that my wife hates me and resents me and has been out to punish me for my low libido. She told me just bc I’ve lost interest in her doesn’t mean other men aren’t interested in her and she’s right about that. To her great fortune (and my misfortune) she’s still beautiful and glowing and fun and men love being in her presence.

As much as I hate her, I also know I blew it with her. Divorce lawyers are being called on Monday and I’ve saved a long list of therapists in the area that my insurance covers and am looking to be in therapy by next month. Many ppl suggested getting my testosterone checked. This is also on my list of appts to make on Monday.

So, not a happy ending by any means but an ending that was probably long overdue

TL;DR: Satisfy your wife fellas or someone else will and then she’ll set your life on fire.

The comments kept coming.

Wonderingisagift wrote:

She built up a ton of resentment about it over time and used her feelings to justify her actions. It must feel awful for you and very humiliating, I'm sure you can find a more suitable person to be with in the future. Edit: I can see now what really caused this to happen, it's just an awful situation all round and they've both paid for it.

Own-Career4854 wrote:

Plenty of couples struggle with intimacy, but not all choose infidelity as the solution.

i_swear_too_muchffs wrote:

True but this guy literally did everything but try and fix the problem/issue. He became an ostrich and buried his head hoping that his dick would get better.

She told him this was a massive problem and his solution was: he avoided getting his T tested, he didn’t see a doctor, he got overly involved with his own activities and work- ignoring her for 5 years. Affairs are 100% wrong- but what he did was wrong as well.

soundofthecolorblue wrote:

Isn't this the guy that made such a big deal about the age gap in an earlier post? Wife and AP are 5 years apart, both in their 30s. He and his wife are 12 years apart, 33 and 21, when they got together. None of this excuses the cheating. But the fact that Wife accused him of being predatory and stealing her youth, points to there probably being more to this story than just a dead bedroom.

PrettyLittleAccident wrote:

I’m pretty sure it was 33 and 21 when they got MARRIED, who knows how long they dated before that.

soundofthecolorblue wrote:

Ooh, I didn't catch that. Yeah, definitely even creepier. This has "30 year old dating someone just out of high school" vibes for sure. I'm not sure Wife was the problem in this relationship. She just slowly realized how messed up it was, but felt trapped. I usually don't like to make excuses for cheating, but I'm having a hard time feeling sympathy for OP.

ReadingRainbowFan wrote:

While there is never an excuse for cheating, there is also no excuse for disregarding a partner’s earnest attempt to address something which is affecting the relationship. You say she brought it up more than once, intimacy is a deal breaker for some people.

If you had taken up with someone your own age, who understands how the body and mind change as seasons of life progress, maybe this would have ended differently. I’m not a fan of victim shaming, but you took up with a barely adult well into your thirties. Her view’s on intimacy were probably largely crafted by your influence. Maybe consider this in your next chapter.

superwholockian62 wrote:

Did you really not try anything after she brought up her feelings to you multiple times? You didnt go to the doctor? Didn't try taking any type of medication? Did you try ANYTHING?

OP responded:

I admit I didn’t take things seriously and didn’t really try much. That’s why I said I know I blew it too. It can still hurt though.

I make about 85k more than her so spousal and child support will be on me. Also we live in a no fault state meaning an affair can’t be used against her. All assets will be split 50/50 and I’ll pay out my ass for support for her. But better than living with her at this point. Oh and she’ll get half of my 401k so that’s awesome.