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'AITA for wanting to take a job at a company that would make me manage my ex?' UPDATED

'AITA for wanting to take a job at a company that would make me manage my ex?' UPDATED

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AITA for wanting to take a job at a company my ex works at?

ta-coworker-ex writes:

I (36M) have been having an argument with my wife regarding this issue for the past few days. I wanted some neutral opinions, especially from married women, on what you would do in this scenario.

I work in the tech field, and our research area is very niche. I had issues with my current company and started interviewing at different companies.

At one of the companies, I ran into Amy, who I dated 14 years ago. We dated for 3 years and broke up amicably as I wanted to pursue further studies and she wanted me to settle down. I met my wife a year after our breakup, and I was still friends (with occasional benefits) with Amy until then.

I was upfront about the whole situation with my wife, and she told me early on during our dating that my friendship with Amy bothered her. I loved my wife and was serious about us, and it was a no-brainer for me to stop hanging out with Amy.

Amy was confused but understood why I did it. We have not spoken to each other since then. My wife and I have been married for 11 years now and have one super cute toddler.

During the interview process, Amy was one of the interviewers, and we had a nice professional discussion. I received a job offer from that company the very next week. I would be in middle management, and Amy would be directly reporting to me. I have already informed the hiring manager regarding Amy, and they seem to have no problems with it.

I also have two more job offers, and I negotiated with all the companies. The first company (where Amy works) is willing to pay me almost 80K more than the other companies. However, my wife told me that I promised her that I would not be in touch with Amy many years ago, and she is asking me to take the offer from the company that is willing to offer the second most compensation.

Her reasoning is it would be awkward for me to be Amy's manager, and since we both work in the same field, it is not like I can transfer her to another manager. She insists that it's not insecurity, but I made a promise.

She says that it's finally my choice, but she does not feel comfortable with me managing Amy and working with her. I see her side, as I would have to travel with my team (including Amy) for a few days to an onsite location at least once a month. I can see why it would make my wife nervous.

I personally want to join the first company as the compensation is higher, and the experience in that company would be very valuable to me. Would I be the AH if I decided to go with the first company? It will offer my family a lot of financial security and would be good for my career.

I do not want that taken away because of Amy. At the same time, I want my wife to be comfortable and not be constantly worried about the situation I will be putting her in.

UPDATE After the comments.

Here are the top comments:

TheBookOfTormund says:

She would be reporting directly to you and this was a long-term GF where marriage was a possibility? Yeah, I’m with your wife here.

NotAlwaysRight543 says:

I can't call you the a^#%ole for taking a job offer like this and I get why you want to. But the bottom line here is that reddit can validate you all you want, but reddit doesn't live in your marriage.

What would be the result for your marriage if you took the offer against your wife's wishes? Will she understand in time? Will she hold resentment? Will YOU hold resentment if you don't take the offer? Those are the things that matter here.

ScreamingCosmos says:

How would you feel if the roles were reversed? Take a second before answering.

OP provided an update:

I wanted to give a quick update. I posted a week ago regarding being confused about a job offer that my wife wanted me to reject because my ex (let's call her Amy) would be directly reporting to me. I know a lot of you pointed out why it is such a bad idea, but I want to be honest here.

The reason why I wrote the post was to get ideas on how I can convince my wife that I should take the position. I felt that I have never given my wife a reason not to trust me, except one time (long story), and I should not be making important life decisions that benefit my family because of Amy, who I have not spoken to in 14 years.

On Friday evening, we had a long discussion as my kid was at my SIL's place for a playdate. As many of you guys pointed out, my wife might be insecure with me hanging out with Amy specifically because we were FWB after the breakup.

I asked her about it and told her to be honest, as I would never make a decision without her being 100% on board. My wife said that out of all my ex-girlfriends, she felt a bit insecure about her. The reason was that I did not get a clean breakup with her and had lingering feelings even when I met my wife.

For context, when I met my wife (through mutual friends), I was still FWB with Amy for a few months after. However, I cleared things with Amy and broke up for good before I asked my wife on our first date. My wife had heard about how I was not able to get over Amy before that and only agreed to date me after I told her that I decided to go NC with Amy.

I asked my wife if she feels I will be less loyal to her if I am around Amy. My wife and kid are everything to me, and I assured her that there are no circumstances where I would even think of stepping out of line to risk that.

I also assured her that I will maintain professional boundaries with each of my direct reports as I have been doing over the last many years, and Amy will be no different. However, if I miss out on this job opportunity because of Amy, I would always feel like irrespective of what I do, my wife does not 100% trust me.

My wife said that she trusts me 100% and does not want me to feel like I am doing something wrong. She said she does not want some hypothetical scenario to affect the important decisions I make in my career and is okay with me accepting the offer.

She asked me to make sure that we set up specific rules about Amy, one of them being no communication outside work, maintaining only strictly professional communication, and always overcommunicating with my wife about everything related to Amy.

Amy messaged me on Saturday about how it was great to see me during the interview process, and I immediately told my wife. Based on her idea, I replied back to her on LinkedIn and will make sure any of our communication stays there.

I had until Monday to accept the offer. Yesterday, when I went to my office, I was planning to call the other company during lunchtime. However, my manager asked me to come to a meeting room to discuss something urgent.

My current company knew that I was entertaining other offers (I had told them) and decided to match the offer from Amy's company. It is not exactly the same compensation, but it is only 20K less than their offer.

Plus, they also assured me that they would promote me as soon as a Director level position opens up in one of the teams. It was amazing, and I called my wife. She was very happy, and of course, I decided to stay at my current job. Overall, I feel happy that I got a big raise at my current place and also know that my wife is not insecure and trusts me 100%.

OP gave another small update:

Since a lot of people are asking what the one thing was, adding it here instead of replying. It was stupid. Years ago, my wife's friend told me we kissed while drunk, and I did not tell my wife. Her friend thought I was her husband and apologized a lot.

I told my wife a few days later out of guilt. My wife had seen the whole incident and laughed because I drunkenly pushed her away after she tried to kiss me, which I do not remember. But that was about it. She still teases me and her friend about it to this day.

What do you think?

Sources: Reddit
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