'My wife has given up on our child. I'm not sure how to reconcile. Do I move past this?' UPDATED

"My (27M) wife (29F) has given up on our child (10F). I'm not sure how to reconcile. How do I move past this?"

My (27M) family's broken, and I'm trying to reassemble the pieces. I need advice. For context, my wife (29F) and I are childhood sweethearts married now for around 5 years. I know we became parents and got married pretty young, but we've made it work.

My wife's a small business owner. She turned a passion into a career. I'm really happy for her. When she started, I promised her that since my work hours were flexible, I'd hold things down at home so she could focus on building her business.

We were a team until we weren't. My wife's an extreme workaholic, and it's come between our family. We're not in a good place. Our daughter's (10F) caregiving is solely on me. The time my wife and daughter spend together is made up mostly of short replies or silence. Our daughter isn't disrespectful. She's a good kid. She's just not as comfortable with her mom.

My wife and I have had a lot of talks about the state of our family. With the business well off the ground and her not needing to personally oversee everything as often, we're working on reconnecting. It's been an uphill battle. Recently, we had a bad fight. She told me she's given up on trying with our daughter. She said she's not good at it, and she's just going to stay in her lane.

I told her she couldn't decide to clock out on our daughter during rocky stints. She said she's emotionally exhausted from repeatedly striking out. She feels she can't do anything right in our daughter's eyes. She said I have it easy, that our daughter prefers me, and even made sure her whole class knew it.

The class jab was about a school assignment. Our daughter had to interview someone she admired, and she asked me. My wife was hurt. She still feels a way about it. She accused me of not understanding. She comes home to a child she carried not respecting her. That our daughter's an expert critic when it comes to her. She went into a huge rant.

The way she talked about her rubbed me the wrong way. I told her most of her complaints weren't our daughter's creation. She asked me what that meant, and I laid it out that she hasn't gone out of her way to connect with our daughter. She shut me down. She went into how she busts her ass for our family, and the least I could do is show up for her.

All I do is show up for her, including holding down responsibilities that we're supposed to share. We aren't childless. It's no longer those me and her against the world days. I need to show up for our daughter too. She just kept saying she has a lot on her plate and how I'm supposed to be her peace. I refuted the only peace that ever seemed to matter these days was hers.

She said our daughter and I are two of a kind and began sarcastically apologizing for her sacrifices, and if the business is what's driving us apart, then she'll renounce it. She'd make do. I asked if we could skip her martyr routine and actually talk. The fight only escalated. I called the fight a complete waste of time, but she interpreted that as me calling her a waste of time.

It was the worst fight we had in a while. Our daughter was at her grandparents, so she didn't hear anything. We're at an impasse. Things are still tense. Idk how to clear the air or how to reach her about our daughter. She can't dismiss her like some disgruntled customer at work. In a lot of ways, I feel like a single parent. I don't believe she's being honest with herself about our issues.

She's a distant figure who has a habit of talking at our daughter instead of to her. There are a lot of broken promises. Nothing ever mended. She doesn't try engaging. Our daughter loves anime, but my wife doesn't hold back on overly criticizing it in front of her. Our daughter got into K-pop, but to my wife it's just bothersome noise around the house or in the car.

Our daughter has stage fright. Yet she joined a school play because she knows her mom loves theatre. My wife promised her she'd come. She didn't. The worst part was seeing our daughter realize she wasn't. My wife never apologized. She gave her, "Work was busy. I promise next time" speech.

She offered to bring our daughter with her on Take Your Child to Work Day. I thought it'd be good for them and a chance for our daughter to see more of what her mom does. But our daughter called me upset and wanted me to pick her up. She said her mom had immediately left her with a subordinate and went awol.

When my wife checked in on her, they fought. She told our daughter that a bratty attitude won't be tolerated in her workplace. She and I had it out later. She apologized to our daughter and blamed blowing up on work frustration. She offered to bring her back another day, but our daughter refused. My wife always felt she was bad at articulating her feelings. She feels she comes off aggressive.

That's partly why she leaves our daughter's caretaking to me. But this fight has me questioning the nature of our relationship. I don't doubt she loves our daughter. I saw it firsthand during the pregnancy, and in our private conversations, she couldn't stop gushing about her. I felt her love in the little things. Idk something changed over overtime.

My wife isn't close with her parents. She usually has me talk with them on her behalf. She has a mindset that parents/kids don't have to be close. She believes since she turned out fine, so will our daughter.

I'm failing to help their relationship and our own.

We barely have quality time. Intimacy is shot. When we're out together, we aren't really together because in public, she's hyperaware and has her business persona on. Idk what else to do. I'm at a loss. I'm not trying to bash my wife. I just want everyone to be okay. I'm in a fight for my family right now. How do I mend my wife's and daughter's relationship while also repairing my marriage?

TL;DR: My family's broken, and I'm trying to reassemble the pieces. My wife's an extreme workaholic, and it's come between our family. We're not in a good place. Our daughter's caregiving is solely on me. My wife and daughter's time together is mostly short replies/silence. We're working on reconnecting, but we had a bad fight. She's given up on trying to connect with our daughter.

She said she's not good at it, and she's just going to stay in her lane. She feels she can't do anything right in our daughter's eyes. It was our worst fight in a while. Now we're at an impasse. In a lot of ways, I feel like a single parent. I'm failing to help their relationship. I just want everyone to be okay. How do I mend my wife's and daughter's relationship while also repairing my marriage?

The internet was quick to share their thoughts.

NoWordsJustDogs wrote:

Kids can tell when their parents don’t like them. This is on your wife. She can step up and get help or not, but either way, you might want to find someone to talk to your kid about how she feels about her mom.

vikipedia212 wrote:

One of my very first memories was coming down the stairs and hearing my parents arguing, my mother was screaming and I opened the door worried just as she shouted “I never wanted her, I never loved her…” they both looked at me and my mother said reeeaal quickly “oh but I love you now, don’t worry!”

I was OP’s daughter’s age when my mother came to me and said “I’m going to leave your father, I need to be selfish and think about me for a change” so she took my brother and left us, she was going to tell me they were both off on holiday and dad would have to have told me when they were gone what was really happening but he made her tell me.

And we haven’t had a relationship since. Dad died in 2015 and she tried, but I don’t know you lady, my parent is dead.

OP this is your daughter’s future if you don’t get everyone therapy stat.

janabanana67 wrote:

First comment - your wife did NOT turn out OK. She is so far from OK, it isn't funny. Second - you cannot fix the relationship between your wife and child. Your wife has chosen to disengage from parent and I am sure your daughter feels like her mother doesn't care or even like her.

It may take years to repair that relationship, but it will have to be your wife that puts in the hard work and makes the family a priority. I agree with the other comments that you all need family and couples counseling. This is a very fractured, dysfunctional family. You cannot fix this alone.

Crippled_Criptid wrote:

Your first point is what immediately stuck out to me, too. The wife claims that she and her parents aren't close, yet she's fine, so therefore the daughter will be too. However, her main complaint is that she's not close with her daughter, how she has a problem with that.

So she's either being dense, or just isn't being honest with herself when she claims that she genuinely sees no issue with her parent's relationship, but has issues with the same dynamic with her daughter.

Over two weeks later, OP shared an update.

Thank you to everyone who reached out. It helped a great deal. My (27M) original post was pretty much the first time I talked about any of this. I wanted to give an update. My wife (29F) and I had a serious discussion about everything. It took us a while to get there because things were still tense after our last fight and our mini spats in between.

Our daughter noticed the rift between her mom and me. She asked me about it. I'm not proud of that. I never wanted her involved in our fights. It was a larger wake-up call. I shouldn't have let it drag out. My wife asked if we could talk, and we both apologized for the fight.

She was worried that I was calling it quits after how bad our last fight was. She took us not recovering as quickly as usual and my distance as me being done. She wanted to make a gesture for our marriage. I told her that her harsh action towards our daughter had made me question our relationship. She said she felt bad for intensely ranting about our daughter.

She was overwhelmed and used the situation as a punching bag. She loves our daughter but is at a loss as a parent. I told her we'd all keep being at a loss in our current state. We're disconnected as a couple and a family. I feel like a single parent and alone in our marriage. Our current way isn't working. Her lack of presence is the common root cause.

I didn't feel like our daughter or I actually mattered and were more put up with by her. That statement really bothered her. She denied it and promised our family does matter to her. She said she knows things aren't good right now, but she wants our family. That she gets frustrated and says stuff she doesn't mean, but it doesn't equate to how she actually feels.

I told her it's not just her words. It's her actions. Her harshness and how she chooses everything over our family every single time while expecting us to just have smiles on our faces. We're not props, and I can't enforce a relationship between her and our daughter. She said she has trouble with contentment, and it's an endless chase.

She has this need to keep chasing after an inner feeling she's always felt she missed. We talked about the feeling before. It's a high and feeling whole. She said she thought our relationship was the answer, she thought our daughter was the answer, and then she thought her business would completely fill that void. She said she doesn't know how to be with our daughter.

When our daughter was a baby, everything was easier, that our daughter would get excited when she came home from work, that no matter what she did or didn't do, she had our daughter's love. But she's older now and barely seems to like being in the same room as her and clings to me. I asked if she's considered that maybe our daughter's hurting from her criticism and broken promises.

My wife feels she's doing better than her parents. She said all our daughter knows is the grandpa and grandma who adore her over FaceTime. She doesn't know what they were like. Her childhood was staying in a child's place, doing what was expected of you, representing the family, and attitudes weren't tolerated. There wasn't a problem they couldn't solve with a belt.

My wife said she doesn't believe in the belt as discipline, but she doesn't know how to be with our daughter and fears she's aggressive when communicating, so she leaves our daughter to me. She doesn't feel she's good as a mother to an older child or with expressing personal feelings.

She said I knew what her parents were like. She's right. My in-laws ran an unforgiving household. My wife was pretty much a latchkey kid. My FIL was always working, and my MIL was busy with her community engagements. Feelings were compared to complaining, and there were certain expectations of my wife.

I was 17 and my wife was 19 when we had our daughter. Of course the circumstances weren't ideal, but my in-laws made you feel their disapproval. There wasn't support to be found from them. They told my wife that if she was grown enough to make a baby, then she was grown enough to take on the responsibilities on her own. My in-laws have mellowed out a lot now, but my wife is no contact with them.

She used her business to pay off their house, and that was that. I'm the buffer between them. I'm accustomed to being my wife's protector. That was always our dynamic. Especially during the pregnancy, when everyone had commentary, were comedians, or when guys would talk about her. Looking back, I think that's part of why I made excuses for her actions with our daughter.

I told my wife that I'm in love with her, but our daughter can't be at the expense of our relationship. We're at a crossroads. Something needed to change. Counseling isn't an option anymore. It's happening for our daughter and me.

I want for us to come through this as a family.

If she refuses counseling, I'd respect her decision, but her answer would give me my answer on what I needed to do for the best of our daughter. We'd have to separate for the time being. My wife said if it's between counseling or losing our family, then she chooses counseling. She wants to keep working on our marriage and reconnecting as a family. We're not props.

I asked if this was what she really wanted. If we do this, it can't be her showing up in word only but looking for any reason to skip out. She said what we built means something to her, and losing that has become more real to her now. I talked with our daughter about her feelings on counseling too. I didn't just want to randomly throw an appointment on her.

She was pretty open to the idea. I think it's because she's close with my parents and she knows they do counseling. My wife and I are officially in counseling. We're trying a conjoint therapy approach for right now. It's a new experience for us. Prior to this, my wife was never big on counseling, but she has been showing up. She hasn't flaked.

There has been some improvement with my wife and daughter. My wife has pulled back on criticism and asking our daughter questions. Recently, we went to an amusement park as a family, and they had a good time together on some rides. My wife asked to pair with our daughter on a few games too. It was the first time in a long time I saw them share a laugh. Nothing's perfect.

We're in the early stages. I know my wife and daughter's relationship will be a long road. I know how it pans out isn't up to me, but I'm here to support our daughter in whatever she needs. Idk what the future holds, but I want to be hopeful for my family. Maybe it's not too late. I want the best for everyone involved. Our daughter will be starting middle school soon, and I told my wife that she'll need both of us.

I'm hoping this road isn't the end of my family. I want us to have to come through this together. When I chose a life with her, it wasn't because we were having a baby, so let's stick together. It was because I love her and want to be with her. I want to make this work. Thank you to everyone again. I appreciate the support. It's much appreciated.

TL;DR Update for: My family's broken, and I'm trying to reassemble the pieces. My wife's an extreme workaholic, and it's come between our family. We're not in a good place. Our daughter's caregiving is solely on me. My wife and daughter's time together is mostly short replies/silence. We're working on reconnecting, but we had a bad fight. She's given up on trying to connect with our daughter.

She said she's not good at it, and she's just going to stay in her lane. She feels she can't do anything right in our daughter's eyes. It was our worst fight in a while. Now we're at an impasse. In a lot of ways, I feel like a single parent. I'm failing to help their relationship. I just want everyone to be ok. How do I mend my wife's and daughter's relationship while also repairing my marriage?

The comments kept coming.

Huntress145 wrote:

This is a good start. I will add that your wife needs individual counseling. She will never be able to fill that void in her with other things or people. She has to fill it within herself. Good luck to you and keep looking out for your daughter.

floridaeng wrote:

I really hope everything goes works out for this family. It seems everyone is trying and I'm hoping the initial progress OP has reported will make it easier for all of them to keep going and making more progress. I think the wife got a wake up call and realizes how close they came to not making it as a couple.

Rich-Ad-4654 wrote:

I appreciate the additional context about your wife, how she grew up, and importantly, the age you became parents. I admit, I was ready to throw her in the rubbish before that point, but your wife has never been shown what to do, how to parent, how to properly trust someone else is going to be there…so she relies solely on herself.

I really hope you all can find your way through this, OP! You’re a great dad for protecting and defending your daughter.

trilliumsummer wrote:

This all seems really good first steps. I hope they continue to be good steps. Your wife desperately needs indivisible counseling though. That void feeling and the other trauma her parents inflicted on her won't be able to be addressed in marital counseling.

And not getting that addressed will very likely just be a shadow waiting to take back over either with a new "this will fill it" or go back to an old one. Not saying you have to push it immediately, and maybe the counselor you're seeing now will bring it up, but it needs to be one of the steps along the way.