'My wife is upset I told the truth about our relationship to friends. I feel she's in denial.' UPDATED 2X

"My wife (32F) got very upset that I (31M) told the truth about our relationship to my two best friends (30M and 30M). She says I care too much and place too much emphasis on our therapy, and I feel she's in denial about how bad everything is, any advice?"

My wife (let's call her Amy) and I have been together for 4 years, living together for 2, and married for 1. I can go on and on about the beauty our relationship has had, there's a reason I moved practically across the U.S for her much to the shock of my two best friends (let's call them Jeff and Adam) (both 30M.

So it's safe to say that we have our good moments and there's a lot of things that connect us and I really could see a future with her. There was a lot of growing into each other over time and a lot we endured to get to the point where it felt good to move in together. I get along with her family very well, her friends very well; it felt like we meshed seamlessly.

Then it hit a huge wall. A rough year hit us when Amy's Mom got really ill, to the point we weren't sure if she was going to make it or not (she ended up recovering thankfully). The whole family rallied around her.

All of this on top of Amy's stressful work (finance worker) led her to tell me one night after she uncharacteristically got really mad at me that she was severely depressed, to the point I was worried about her wellbeing.

This led to a fallout between us where she refused to get help, started to even deny that she was depressed in the first place, refused to talk about it and get angry at me for bringing any of it up or keep suggesting therapy, and just turn cold to me. After a while, it got so emotionally manipulative she mentioned that if I were to leave, she would grab the sharpest thing she can find when I wasn't there.

It got bad, to the point where I made sure the proper support was around her at that time, made sure two trusted family members knew the situation, and then just left. Now I know what you're thinking. Why the hell are you back in this position then and why doesn't the story just end there with divorce?

Because I let her reel me back in, and I thought that maybe if we actually did the therapy like we were supposed to, we can fix things (which she so brazenly threw in my face that I was the one that gave up, I was the one who left that night, even though she never wanted to even try therapy until that point).

And I'll admit in that moment I felt so guilty it overwhelmed me as if I was a failure for not doing enough, so I came back. Here we are, therapy is not working (because lo and behold she still doesn't show up, she only showed up for the very first appointment and nothing after and doesn't do any of the stuff the therapist recommends at home).

I can't really talk to anyone else because in her mind the most important thing that makes her happy is me being here and us doing crap like watching TV and playing with the dogs, and hanging out with people who still have no clue what's actually going on.

Adam and Jeff care a lot about me and we have all been good friends for almost 10 years at this point, and they were the first to know when I first left what really happened, and they are asking me if things are now getting any better, and i told them the truth, that no, they're not. On the surface it seems fine but underneath no work is being done in actuality, because she likes to pretend it never happened.

She always asked when she knows I talk to Adam or Jeff what we talked about and if we talked about how our relationship is doing because she doesn't like me talking about it, and sometimes I skate around it but this time i said we did and I told them the truth.

She got upset and went into her feelings like she'll never be good enough and that I overvalue therapy as a basis for how our relationship is doing. She doesn't like to acknowledge how messed up I am mentally still over everything and even more, how messed up she still is. Any advice on what to do other than just pack my bags at this point for good?

TL:DR: Wife (Amy) got extremely upset that I told my two best friends (Adam and Jeff) the truth about how toxic and manipulative our relationship has gotten and become and how in denial she is about what has happened, saying i am overanalyzing things and overvaluing therapy which she promises to try but doesn't show up to at this point.

Edit: For those asking/wondering, yes she did get on medication after I had originally left because the two trusted family members convinced her she had a problem.she still denies things ever getting as bad as they did, and doesn't like thinking about it anymore, as if to just want to bury it in the past and is mad at me for not being willing to do that even though it's still so fresh in my mind.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Bleacherblond wrote:

Don't let her cut you off from two people who care about you. She embarrassed because she knows that people outside the relationship will see and know how messed up and manipulative she's being. They care about you, and they will help you realize you are seeing things through rose colored glasses and hopefully wake you up.

Wake up OP. You said it yourself- toxic and manipulative. She doesn't want to change. She wont' even admit she has a problem. You can't fix her if she won't fix herself. And people who threaten to end themselves when they don't get their way- man that's messed up.

And you can't fix her. And she doesn't want to fix herself bc she doesn't see the problem. She only see what she wants and how to get it, doesn't matter how. You need to get out. And you know it.

Redlight0506 wrote:

She doesn't give a crap about making anything better. She just wants to sweep it under the rug. Your mistake here was that you came back under no conditions. You just hoped she would do the work once you were back. All you've taught her is that her behaviour is acceptable and you'll come back regardless of what she does.

So if you want to make this work, you actually will never be able to do that while you're together. You need to be doing therapy while separated. You need to have a discussions about what each of you expects (not just you) to improve before you're willing to entertain the relationship again. And you need to hold her accountable to your expectations.

No-Concentrate-9152 wrote:

This reads like manipulation. Signs like the threat of self harm if you leave, isolating you from familial support by encouraging to move to a far distance for her, and avoidance in bringing in any third party like therapists.

She dislikes you sharing with friends because it runs the risk that she loses control of the narrative. Friends, family and therapists can end up exposing trapping patterns she meticulously designed to keep you invested in that toxic dynamic. You did nothing wrong in talking with friends.

Three days later, OP jumped on with an update.

Figured I would give up an update to the situation since it got a lot messier. Her sister hosted a Christmas party which we attended, and it was a good change of pace. Amy enjoyed it, so that was nice and I do enjoy being with her family so it was good to see them.

Fast forward a few days after, Amy and I were going grocery shopping, and on the way back I was thinking of our next therapy session that I had scheduled.

I talked to Adam and Jeff (my two best friends from the previous post) about how I was going to use this session to really see how much hope there is to have for our future, and really lay my emotions completely on the table about the hurt and damage I feel that’s been hard to talk to her about because our communication degraded.

Thinking about the session got me really stressed and knowing it was coming soon had affected my mood, and Amy could tell i was feeling low, so she asked me what was up. I told her i would rather talk about it later, but she said she wanted to talk about it now.

I told her that I was feeling stressed and overwhelmed with the upcoming therapy session, and thinking about it brings back a lot of bad memories and it’s just been a hard day for me so far because of that. It was at this point she told me she didn’t think this was going to work, and that she wanted a divorce.

At that point a mixture of numbness and heartache really hit, because on one hand I feel like I was questioning on whether staying was best or not, and another it was still a painful ripping out of my heart because i still love her a lot. It was a pretty silent car ride after that and i thought “well, the next move is now clear.”

As we got home, I pretty much said a goodbye to our dogs, and said I’ll start looking into the process and i want to make the divorce as painless as possible. Then she said that she wanted to go to the therapy session.

This confused the hell out of me because she just told me we were done and that she wanted a divorce, and it felt like she was playing with my heart at that point. I was resistant to it and she asked me why I wasn’t willing to give it another chance, and i told her you just broke up with me.

Our therapist is a nice lady and said regardless of what happens, come to the session to hash things out. It was pretty illuminating for her, but at the same time it felt raw and messed up for me to even be there.

She’s telling me now that she’s ready to do whatever it takes to be better, but I think I can’t trust anything she says anymore, so i’ll be staying with Adam for the meantime as I told him what happened and he offered for me to crash at his place for a bit while i figure things out.

Here's what people had to say to OP's update:

TrueBeliever-14 wrote:

I’m betting she hoped you would say “we can make this marriage work." It’s stupid but people threaten divorce many times when they don’t really mean it.

OP responded:

This is how I feel exactly, you summed up perfectly better than I could.

Special-Bit8689 wrote:

Seeing as in the last post you described a lot of manipulation, her sudden desire to work on things seems like a desperate grab and not genuine. This is what emotional ab**ers do.

I think the only chance that should be given here is separation for at least six months to a year, and you can each do therapy separately and then see where she is at then. But, anyone can say that they’re doing great in six months, you would have to decide on tangible changes that you could see.

OP responded:

It’s tough to say whether or not the year long separation would be good here, because the feeling I’m getting from her right now from what she’s been telling is she really wants a straight up yes or no answer on whether or I would keep trying for the marriage cause now she says she’s ready to do whatever it takes.

I need to show her whether I'm committed or not, which seems unhealthy given what’s just happened. And like you said, it’s hard to gauge what exactly happens in 6 months. I think it’s best to just end it at this point because the incompatibility is just getting too big.

Aethelstanstan wrote:

I cannot fathom having so little intentionality you ask for a divorce and try to walk it back and mend things five minutes later. This is not someone who should be in any type of relationship.

OP responded:

There are many good qualities in my wife, and I have reminded her of them even now, but the most painful thing that constantly comes up is the unaccountability/anxiety combination. The therapist asked her about why she did this and immediately picked up on her anxiety.

Amy explained that in that moment the conversation for her was too stressful and so she said the one thing that she knew would make it stop, which is why she told me she wanted the divorce.

When she gets anxious, she says she has a hard time controlling what she says/does, and that in tandem goes with the accountability part. Whether or not she says sorry, asks for forgiveness, or says she didn’t mean to say what she did, the damage was done.

A few weeks later, OP shared another update.

The divorce is going to happen, and it’s been a brutal time for me. I was staying at Adam's place collecting my thoughts and figuring things out. As I was with Adam, She texted me saying that there was an urgent emergency and that i needed to call her.

I picked up fearing that she was hurt or one of our dogs was gravely ill all of a sudden, and it turned out there was no emergency, but that she wanted to just hear my voice again and that she misses me.

I questioned her as to why she would lie about there being an emergency and she said that for her it was an emergency. She then asked if i wanted to talk about what the future is going to look like, and i told her that i would rather have that conversation face to face and would be back at the house soon.

She then goes on and says that this is what she mainly called about, and asks if i have been dating anyone during this time and that she absolutely had to know, and i told her no obviously not. It was really hard to see her, and during the drive over to our old place, my heart wavered a lot so I tried to remain resolute in my mind.

When we had actually began to discuss things properly, she had actually told me that she feels like right now neither of us should be in a relationship, and she was speaking extremely clearly, making me think that this was something she was resolute about also. She told me that she felt like she was always tip toeing with me on what to say around me in fear of hurting my feelings or me getting stressed.

I told her that I wasn’t here to fight or argue over feelings or whose right or wrong, but to just acknowledge the state of the situation, that this relationship is broken, and if she feels this way, and I feel the way I do, then it’s time for us to close this chapter of our life and that I don’t resent her or have ill will towards her, and I just want her to be happy and for us both to be happy.

She then asks if I would consider ever trying again with her in the future, and if this chapter of our lives is fully closed or if we could leave it open. And I told her I don’t think so, and for the health of both of us in the sense of moving on and focusing on ourselves, it’s best to close it.

She didn’t like that answer and was sad of course, as was I but it felt like the right thing to say. We then talked about how we would split the assets, etc, who takes the pets, etc. She told me that she felt emotionally abused by me, and that was a hard sentence to stomach.

I told her that I’m not going to argue or invalidate your feelings on that, and I’m sorry if I ever made you feel that way, but if that’s how you feel then this is the right step for us to take. It was hard saying goodbye, it still doesn’t exactly feel real to me and I think I’ve just been numb the past month, it’s been one of the hardest months of my life.

I needed to try and find an apartment for the time being. It’s been difficult to find a place, but after a lot of trial and error and nights where I felt like I was just going to be sleeping in my car for a while, I ended up finding one in a city that I am not really familiar with but thought it could be a new start.

With this winter storm, it hasn’t been exactly the best of starts, and I’m feeling extremely isolated and alone, but I’m trying to move on. As for Amy, she called me sobbing and told me to reconsider again after our last conversation, that she’s owning up to the fact that she has trauma, and that there’s been a lot of damage done, and that she’s sorry.

I told her I am sorry too, that I know I wasn’t always perfect, and that I will always care for her, but it isn’t going to work, and I told her to not be alone right now and that she has a ton of support in her corner from her family and close friends who all care a lot about her.

That was the last time we spoke as of now. It’s been horrible recently for me mentally, but I'm just trying to fight for the next day, thinking that hopefully I’ll come out of this okay. Thanks to everyone who has been commenting and showing support, I probably won’t post again.

Here's what people had to say to OP's second update:

legitimate_tooth1332 wrote:

Hang in there mate, I'm on a similar boat similar age, just broke up a 3 year relationship a couple months ago. I can tell you one thing for sure, my situation was way less severe than yours and more confusing and even I am starting to feel a bit better, imagine yourself that it was so clear that no only was she bad for you, but also you both were generally just not good for each other's sake.

So hang in there brother, I know for a fact you don't feel it right now, but eventually you will realize how harsh she was on you and how she mistreated you the whole time around and it will all come back around to you to the point that you're going to be disappointed you didn't break it off sooner.

skoltroll wrote:

"She told me that she felt emotionally hurt by me."

Oh get bent, Amy. Just read all three posts. She is clearly a controlling person who has to be looked at as the "victor" of any situation she creates. She's all about appearances, not real intimacy and partnership. Be done with her.

Stop negotiating a future, and get the paperwork done ASAP. She'll pull more of these emotional shenanigans to the very end, but your job is now to get her to sign the divorce papers so you can block her. And if she continues to pull this crap, and you continue to not stand up to it, have her speak directly with your divorce attorney.

AltELocution wrote:

Honestly after reading all three posts: Amy needs therapy. You need to consider your enmeshment with your friends and neither of you should be married (to anyone) without some deep self reflection . They discontinued the penny so feel free to disregard my two cents.