'Found out my wife has been snapchatting a male co worker and keeping it from me.' UPDATED 4X

"My (M33) wife (F27) of 3 years is snapping a male co worker and keeping it from me. I don’t know if I believe her answers. I’m so lost."

Can’t be sure my wife is being honest about her male co worker. I am an attorney ( M33) and my wife (F 27) is a group fitness instructor at a sort of posh gym. We’ve been together for seven years (married for 3) and I’ve never once questioned her about men or trust.

She followed me all through college and law school and we (until last night) have the relationship everyone seems to want. She and I have always been head over heels in love. Our honeymoon phase never really ended. But something happened last night that threw me for a loop and I can’t tell if I’m in my head or if something else is going on.

There is a fellow trainer she works with. He’s a decent looking guy. Perhaps you could say he is a knockoff Liam Hemsworth. I always had a somewhat weird feeling but because I always trusted her it was always fleeting.

Here are the facts: Last night she left her phone on the couch to go get a water. I was still seated I saw it light up with a Snapchat notification. I had no idea she had downloaded it. It was from the co worker. It was just an emoji of a monkey covering his eyes. It disappeared.

I said “I didn’t know you snap chat co worker.” She responded that she snaps all of her coworkers. (Lie#1) My gut tells me something so I ask to see it. She reluctantly hands it over and I see in her snap history that she snaps him, her sister, and then the next names were all snaps from like 75 weeks ago. My red flags go off and I start asking questions (very calmly I may add).

She responds to everything with “I don’t know.” I ask what is he responding to, she says IDK. I say how often do you snap him, she says IDK. You said you Snapchat your other co workers yet they arent here, what is going on IDK. She is purposely being evasive. (lies lies lies). How do you not know these answers?

After more prodding she says he hit on her a month ago and that she shut it down and didn’t tell me because she loves her job and didn’t want to jeopardize it. None of these explanations satisfy me. I’m not a fool.

I mean, even if we take everything she says as true, the way I see it is that she is continuing to snap a guy who once hit on her ON A MEDIUM DESIGNED TO DISAPPEAR YOUR COMMUNICATIONS.

I left the house and she called me crying and said she was scared and that nothing happened and she should have told me and that she deleted snap chat. She said she loved me with all her heart, that I’m her puzzle piece, and that she would do absolutely anything and everything to make this better. That she is lost without our love etc etc.

I can’t get over this. Please offer help and advice. I never thought I would experience this. Thanks

TL;DR: my wife is snap chatting a male co worker and I feel certain she is lying to me.

This is what people had to say to OP:

gingerlorax said:

The most troubling thing here is your wife's response. "I don't know" to every question is unacceptable and suggests guilt. You should talk to her and ask her why she kept responding with that instead of just answering you honestly.

It sounds like she's engaged in a little snap flirting with someone she knows is into her, which may or may not be the end of the world- you have to decide if you consider that cheating or if it's a small indiscretion that you can talk through and move on from.

SXSJest said:

Certainly orchestrated messaging. That conversations reads like a robotic script written to clearly address any concern you may have in case you magically were to read it...

People caught in lies tend to divulge as little as needed to quell the situation and only provide what they think you already know or could reasonably know. Getting the full truth right off the bat would be a rarity, and trust is built slowly and rebuilt even more slowly.

And My-Username-Is-Dis said:

Innocent people don’t react like that, where there’s smoke there’s fire. You’re a lawyer for goodness sake you should know this!

OP then shared a series of updates:

UPDATE 1: We’ve been talking and I’ve illustrated some new boundaries. Even though I won’t babysit her, she volunteered access to all of her accounts and social media etc. I highly doubt I’ll look and I know that if she really was engaging in something she could’ve deleted stuff but it’s a start.

Second, she reached out to him and I saw a text exchange with him. Again, I realize this all could have been orchestrated but here’s how it went down.

“Why’d your send the monkey?”

“I was replying to your story making the class do 50 burpees”

“My husband saw it and started asking questions. He’s upset”

“Tell him in sorry. I won’t snap you anymore. I’ve always liked him”

“I think you shouldn’t talk to me on social media anymore”

“I agree. I apologize if I caused any problems”

Who knows if I can trust this or not.

UPDATE 2: Tonight I’m going to have her put her money where her mouth is. I have complete access to your stuff? Okay, I’m going to ask her to redownload snap chat.

People keep telling me there are lots of emoji types that show up if you frequently snap someone. I’ll open the app and see if any of these appear by his name. Hopefully that’ll resolve some of this crap. If there are fire or heart emojis or whatever then divorce is probably the answer or counseling whatever. If there are no emojis, I can definitely move forward or at least start to.

UPDATE 3: she came home last night and I asked her to redownload snap chat and show me his name. She did and there were no emojis by his name but there were emojis by her sisters name. This means she and co worker don’t snap frequently. This issue is not fixed but that is the update right now.

Four days later, OP shared this fourth and final update:

First off, thanks to those that gave thoughtful responses, and thanks to those who educated me about snap chat and getting the data exported. I exported the data and it checks out with her story. She and him had barely had contact. Also, I had her redownload (20 hours after his original snap) the app and there were no emojis by his name. I also checked the phone records and she has never called him.

We have talked extensively and I’m pretty convinced she felt like something looked bad and sorta shut down when I started asking questions, getting nervous. Hence, the parade of “I don’t know’s.”

Her cheating just didn’t add up. She was always affectionate and loving. Plus, and this might be TMI (she had hairy as fuck legs). People when they are cheating or sleeping with someone new tend to exhibit behavior like grooming or making themselves up more than they used to. I seriously doubt she would be sleeping with someone new yet not shave her legs for like awhile.

We are both so busy recently we have just been go go go. She works two jobs, and I started work as an attorney just a couple months ago. It’s been hard and we’ve been romantic but sex has been less than normal. We are going on a romantic date this weekend to re-spice things up.

Also to those being dicks about me being an attorney, I’m a corporate lawyer. I don’t make a living cross-examining people. Still, I think I handled things quite logically. The main advice I DO wish I took from commenters is that I should have not acted immediately when I saw the snap.

It would have been more beneficial (especially if there was cheating) for me to watch and wait and not let her know I noticed something. Sometimes emotions get the better of judgment.

Again, thank you to those that gave thoughtful and helpful comments about how to proceed. I’m grateful it was much ado about nothing. Obviously she should’ve told me the guy hit on her in the past but we are working past that.

I think if she hadn’t shut down and been elusive with “I don’t knows” this would have been resolved pretty easily. It’s not like I become angry or super interrogative. I asked some questions, and her elusiveness caused things to accelerate. It was a spark that kindled a fire of suspicion. Thanks everyone who is measured in their responses to posts in this community.

TL;DR: I checked the records and my wife’s story checks out. No cheating, but we have discussed boundaries about snap chat, being upfront about inappropriate behavior of co workers, and honesty.