'My wife hooked up with her best friend and husband years ago. They want to do it again.' UPDATED 2X

A friendship that doesn't respect boundaries is simply not going to last.

"My (37M) wife (35F)had a threes*me with her best friend and husband years ago and they want to do it again. Now I don’t want them around us anymore."

I’ve know this for a long time but when my wife was younger she had a few threes*mes with her best friend and her husband (then boyfriend). This was years before we even met and she told me early in our relationship just so there would be no secrets.

I’ve never had a problem with my wife being around her best friend alone since the threes*me didn’t involve much girl on girl but more sharing her boyfriend. And for that reason I’ve had trouble throughout our marriage being around both of them. I just have trouble having a normal conversation knowing that this guy has had s#x with my wife.

My wife doesn’t think anything of it and is completely comfortable. It’s just something she did for a little while then stopped because she wasn’t into it anymore once the taboo thrill wore off. She can even talk about it with them as casually as she talks about a concert they went to. However she doesn’t do this when I’m around because she knows it makes me uncomfortable.

Anyway we were all together last weekend and her friend had gotten a little dr*nk and brought it up. My wife quickly shut her down but the impression I got was that there had been a lengthier conversation leading up to this that I didn’t know about. Later on my wife told me that her friend and husband had asked if she and I were interested in doing something.

They were down for whatever we were comfortable with. But my wife admitted that they really wanted her again but with me watching. My wife knows there is no way in hell I would be down for that and neither would she. My wife stopped doing that with them for a reason and that’s before she got married and had kids. My wife has told me to just forget they said anything but holy s**t how can I do that now?

I swallowed being around them when these incidents were well in the past but now that they are openly l*sting for my wife I don’t know if I feel comfortable with her or me being around them. Am I wrong here? How do I navigate this? I don’t want to tell my wife to break off her friendship but something I feel needs to be done.

TL;DR: My wife had a threes*me with her friend and husband and they want to do it again. Now I don’t want them around anymore.

A bit after posting, OP jumped on with a small update.

Thanks for all the comments, I’m glad I’m not blow this out of proportion and my response is normal. For context I do want to add that they all were together 3 times and my wife stopped it simply because she stopped being into it. She only participated because her friend was bragging about her boyfriend’s skill in the bedroom and insisted that she try it.

She did and she found that no amount of skill could overcome the fact that she wasn’t very attracted to him. My wife also really isn’t into girls. She participated with her friend but it was a first and last for her. Just not her thing.

So I really am not worried about her doing anything with them because she had ample opportunity before we met and she passed. Also, a lot of people are criticizing my wife from not telling me about the conversation but I’m actually fine with that. She said no for both of us, I’m not angry at her for that. I’m angry at them for trying to basically c*ck me.

The internet was opinionated, to say the least.

CrazyHermit74 wrote:

I think there is much more to this story. I think it is down right strange that you and your wife are in contact with them let alone friends after you started dating wife. I'm almost positive that there is more going on than you know. Sure it is possible that your wife hasn't had any contact with either of them since you began dating.

But to me it really seems odd to be in a friendship with people that had s#x multiple times with her. Like others have said it is like an ex spouse or dating partner being friends with her while married to you.

OP responded:

Her best friend is a swinger. It’s just that simple. Her and her husband have s#x with different people, sometimes together, sometimes separate. It’s just part of their lifestyle. It’s not how my wife is. In her early twenties when she was more s#xually adventurous she was down for this stuff but that’s in the past.

TheBurningQuill wrote:

In sw*nger circles this is considered wife-poaching and would be a reason to cut ties immediately. In the vanilla world it's a more serious breach - you are a monogamous relationship and that makes you out of bounds.

Your wife is also not blameless here. She should have shut this down immediately. Explain that your trust is broken and you can not feel comfortable with her friends and her interacting after this. She can process her reaction from there and it will tell you everything about the real strength of your relationship.

four2tango wrote:

As someone who’s part of swinging culture, it’s definitely in poor form to go after monogamous couples, and usually a bad idea to do so with friends, even if they’re in the lifestyle.

If you aren’t comfortable with this, that should be the end of the discussion.

DemonicSnow wrote:

Sw*ngers have a term for this, wife poaching, and it's a reason to drop couples you interact with. The fact that swingers consider it sh***y means a more vanilla couple should see this as a big red flag. They clearly don't see you as a person in this scenario. It's insanely disrespectful to have brought it up in that way.

Like, I've been in scenarios of asking another couple of they night be interested, but it's always a package deal. This is gross. I don't think you're wrong to want to cut ties, or at least not do s**t with them for a while, including your wife's hangouts with her best friend.

Two days later, OP shared another update.

After I posted I had a deeper conversation with my wife about her friends and expressed my discomfort about being around people that are lusting after my wife and fantasize about having sex with her in front of me.

She said she understood how I felt but told me that there was absolutely nothing I should be concerned about. To my wife, her friend and her husband are not serious people. They are fun to be around but that’s it.

She experimented with them in her early 20s but she was a different person then. She was very s#xually adventurous in college and right after and did a lot of things she’d never think of doing now. She said she’s a 35 year old married mother of 2 with a serious career and she simply isn’t interest in behaving like that anymore. Not to mention that she is happily married and loves me.

While I understood all that and I do trust her. I told her that my point still stands. I am just not comfortable around them. My wife then asks if we could talk it out with her friends and if after that talk if I’m still uncomfortable then she will agree to whatever I am comfortable with. So I agree and we meet last night at our house. They both apologize and swear to never bring it up again.

But I can tell that neither think of this as a big deal and from their tone it seems like they think I am being overly sensitive. So I raise that point and they concede that they do think that I am being “silly”. They tell me that the time they had with my wife was a very memorable experience that they wanted to experience it again and simply asked if my wife would be interested in participating with me or my approval.

They say that they would have been happy to allow me to participate in any way I liked but did admit that their biggest fantasy was to basically double team my wife while I watched. But my wife had no interest, they confirm that she shut it down quickly. They brought it up later while they were dr*nk because they figured maybe I would have some interest and if I did I could convince her to do it.

My wife’s friend then says that once I let go of my inhibitions she guarantees that I would enjoy myself. How they think I would enjoy any experience that involves someone else fu#$king my wife, whether I am actively involved or not is beyond me. I am about to say this when my wife jumps in.

She tells them that I will not be enjoying anything. She says she’s not 22 anymore and has babies asleep upstairs. She tells them that neither of us will be f#$king anyone else and she thought she made that very clear. It got a little awkward after that and they left shortly after. My wife hugged me when they left and said she was sorry for asking me to talk with them.

That was not how she expected that to go. We talked a little more and she admitted that hearing their stories is a fun escape and even got flattered when they would tell her how much they loved being with her. But admitted that it’s become a little too real and she could not stand the thought of watching me with someone else and understands how I feel.

So we agreed to take a good long break from seeing them. My wife isn’t going to completely cut her best friend out of her life but we are going to manage how we see them. No more drinking, no more her alone with both of them in their home or ours. Shopping, lunch and similar activities is where she is going to keep the friendship and I can live with that.

The comments kept coming in.

crazybitch_2000 wrote:

Your wife is one in a million and didn’t deserve any of the hate she got in your last post. Neither of you have done anything wrong and you guys handled this situation perfectly 👌

OP responded:

Thanks, I never blamed her. She has been up front with me from the beginning of our relationship about the things she’s done.

Mummysews wrote:

"But my wife had no interest, they confirm that she shut it down quickly. They brought it up later while they were dr*nk because they figured maybe I would have some interest and if I did I could convince her to do it."

I KNEW IT! I bloody knew it. They were trying to bring it up sideways and dodge around your wife. Damnnnn. I wouldn't even go shopping with the other woman; considering they see her as a blow-up doll, I'd be worried I'd end up roofied. They just do not care about either of you, and only care about their own shagging.

not_doing_that wrote:

She said no and they took it as "undermine me and try to convince me by manipulation" I would absolutely drop the friendship so fast They don't give a f#$k about consent, they just want to get their rocks off. I guarantee they STILL think OP and his wife are overreacting.

Affectionate_Meet_420 wrote:

Exactly. And it is so disgusting that the clearly continue trying to look for an opening, or take advantage of a situation (like when they start drinking- or think judgement may be impaired) to move in on them.

Honestly, it’s predatory and disgusting and I wouldn’t be able to even be friends with a woman who was trying to prey on me and my husband like that. This couple does not understand “no mean no.” Why would anyone want to be friends with them?