'My wife and I entered into an open marriage at her request. Now she wants to close it.' UPDATED 2X

"My wife [37F] and I [39M] entered into an open marriage at her request. Now she wants to close it up again."

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We have two children, a 14-year-old girl and a 12-year-old boy. About a year and a half ago, my wife came to me asking for an open marriage. She said she was bored with just us and wanted to experience more. I was very against this, as I am a strong believer that marriage is between two people.

At the same time, when we got married I'd had five intimate partners and my wife had only been with me. She made it clear that either we opened things up or she was prepared to file for divorce. Neither of us wanted that, so I agreed under certain conditions.

Nobody brought back to the house, we don't talk about partners, the kids don't know, family doesn't know, all partners are tested ahead of time, nobody that we both know, etc. I had a strong suspicion that my wife had someone in mind, and this was confirmed when 24 hours after we agreed, she went out and didn't return until 4 am.

It was difficult for me to accept, and I was really not ok with it, but I wanted to save my marriage. Last May I met Amber. Our daughters are in marching band together. Amber is divorced and has no interest in getting married again. Like everyone else in the world she does have needs. So five months after opening up the marriage, I began sleeping with Amber.

At first it felt like cheating, but honestly it's nice to have something no strings where neither of us wants it to proceed forward. Over time I became comfortable with the idea that my wife and I would be able to get our needs met both inside and outside of our marriage. It actually made our intimate life a lot more passionate, and we were much happier.

My wife and her side guy, who I never met, stopped seeing each other in April amid C0VID. From what I gather, while he's in an open marriage, his wife is not aware, and it was too hard to get away. In May we helped organize a Zoom concert for the band kids, which turned out great, though my wife met Amber for the first time.

Well, I guess Amber has been open with a few of the moms because it got back to my wife that Amber was my outside partner. My wife informed me that as we both know Amber, I needed to end things with her. I refused, citing the fact that neither of us knew her ahead of time, and them meeting did not violate the rules we established.

Throughout the past month she's numerous times told me that she's uncomfortable with me continuing to sleep with Amber and I need to conclude the arrangement. Note that she was fine for a year where she was with her partner. This weekend she came to me and stated that she'd like to close our marriage again.

I told her I was open to that as long as we agreed that it would remain closed moving forward. She agreed that's what she wants as well, that she doesn't need to have any more partners, that she's happy with just me. I told her that we could agree to close the marriage on two conditions. The first I laid out above.

The second, I wanted her to sign a document waiving spousal support in the event of divorce. She flipped out. She categorically refused to even consider that. My wife is a SAHM and has not worked since we got married. She said that I could keep seeing Amber and leave her with nothing if she signed that.

I told her that I'd be willing to include a list of mutually agreed upon situations including infidelity on my part where the agreement would be void. She says it's not open for discussion, that she's not going to continue to be cheated on and left with nothing when I decide to leave her for Amber.

I pointed out that this whole thing was her idea and that I only went along with it to preserve our marriage. She says that if we don't close the marriage up, then it might as well be over. I told her that I'm not going to tolerate being threatened with divorce every time she doesn't get her way.

She says I'm being dramatic and I need to focus on us. Should I agree without stipulations? I know there's no future with Amber as we've both agreed it's purely physical and even though I know I'm standing my ground, I feel like I'm blowing up my marriage over a dead end. At the same time, I don't believe it's about Amber at all.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

UPDATE: So based on what some of you have said here, this morning I called Amber up, reminded her that we were supposed to keep things discreet, and asked who she shared the details of our liaison with. She denied telling anyone, and I didn't get the feeling she was lying.

I pulled up my wife's Google Timeline history and discovered that she tracked me to Amber's house in April. She followed me and then deliberately introduced herself to Amber to create a conflict. Here I was thinking she actually wanted to get involved in band parents, but no, she just wanted to try to end things with my outside partner I don't even know what to do at this point.

TL;DR My wife asked for an open marriage, I reluctantly agreed. Now that she's no longer seeing her outside partner she wants to close it up again.

The comments came rushing in.

AusFrosty wrote:

I suspect your wife flipped because she has no intention of staying with you long term.

OP responded:

That's exactly what I thought. Believe me, my intention is not to screw her financially. She's coming from the angle that she's so sure about us now and ready to close things up.

Well what about a year from now or two years from now when she decides she wants someone else and decides she wants to open things up again? I'm not going to be blackmailed with divorce every time she wants it both ways.

JonMellor wrote:

Your marriage is already over. Good luck.

OP responded:

I'm coming to that realization. I hate it, but she is not the same person I married.

ladymegpie wrote:

"While he's in an open marriage, his wife is unaware."

So...he's just cheating on his wife then.

OP responded:

Yep. Apparently my wife thought it was open, he told her it was, and he was just screwing around on his wife without her knowledge.

Six weeks later, OP shared another update.

To recap. My wife told me that she wanted an open marriage, I didn't but agreed when she told me she was prepared to file for divorce. She had an outside partner within 24 hours. It took me a few months. Her partner and her broke up.

She stalked me and introduced herself to my partner to try to force me to end it. When that didn't work she decided to demand that the marriage be closed again. I put conditions on it that she wasn't willing to accept. Now on to the last month. It's been a very tough month.

I confronted my wife about the stalking. She denied it at first and then I brought up her location history. She attempted to deflect, claiming I invaded her privacy, but I didn't take the bait. Finally she admitted that she didn't like that I had someone on the side when she didn't and a mom at the school felt too close to home.

I agreed that I would end things with Amber if she would agree to counseling, close the marriage up permanently, and start looking for a job to help with household expenses. She replied that she's a stay at home mom. I told her it was something we could revisit after the pandemic is over, but when things normalize, she can't just stay home.

We did a few therapy sessions and things went well at first. The therapist challenged her on why she had followed me, asked why she felt she had to go outside the marriage, and had her address pretty much everything going through my mind. Then things went south. She admitted her outside partner was someone from her past; a high school boyfriend.

They'd broken up before anything happened, and had reconnected. She regretted not going all the way with him in high school and decided that she wanted to fulfill that desire. I was pissed. I told her that if me choosing a mom from school was too close to home, then her choosing a married ex-boyfriend was completely unacceptable.

I told her I didn't even want to look at her. I checked into a hotel to go cool off because I didn't want my kids to see me like that. I stayed there for a few days and then decided to go home and deal with what was left of my marriage. When I got home, I found that my daughter was being unusually cold to me.

Even for a 14 year old girl, she was very dismissive. When I asked her what was going on, she went off on me for cheating on Mom with a band mom. I asked her where she heard this. She wouldn't tell me at first telling me it didn't matter, but then finally admitted her mother told her that I was staying at my girlfriend's house after I left.

I counted to ten in my head, told her it wasn't true, showed her the receipt on my phone for the hotel, and told her that her mother and I had a fight and I decided to take some time away so we could both calm down. She cried a lot and I promised her that I loved her and I'd always love her. I did my best to remain calm though I was burning up inside.

I didn't even go to my wife. I went on Facebook and found the guy's wife. I sent her a message letting her know that for a year and a half her husband had been having an affair with my wife and I'd be happy to send her any proof she'd like. She was very appreciative, and had suspected something was up.

A few hours later, my wife came to me in a rage screaming that I had violated the confidentiality of our therapy and ruined the guy's life. I asked her what she meant to do by telling our daughter that I had a girlfriend? She denied doing it and still refuses to admit that she told her anything other than I was away for a few days.

This went down last Thursday. We haven't spoken to each other since. We're supposed to have another counseling session tomorrow, though I don't know if it's even worth going. I keep catching her in lies and I don't think I'll ever be able to trust her again.

I know that filing for divorce is the wise choice at this point, but I feel sick thinking about it. I feel like a failure because I couldn't make my marriage work. I know that's where it's going to end up; I just feel like I'm going to throw up every time I try to call an attorney.

The comments kept coming.

ChadillacDon wrote:

Appreciate the update. Sorry to hear therapy is only bringing more things to light and your wife drowning in her sea of lies has clearly shattered your trust in her completely.

I hope for the sake of the kids that your wife wasn't the one to tell that to your daughter, but when people are sinking fast they'll latch onto anybody to keep them afloat and turning the kids against you isn't exactly an original strategy.

You are not a failure because the marriage has ran its course. At this point it's probably best to contact that attorney, no matter how difficult it may be. Do it for you. Do it for your kids. Even do it for your wife so she can hit rock-bottom on her own without destroying your lives in the process. Best of luck man.

YourRAResource wrote:

Talk to an attorney. If you're honest with yourself, your wife opened the relationship after she had or was planning on cheating anyway. Then when things failed, she didn't want you to have fun while she wasn't.

She doesn't contribute to the household and has no plans to. She constantly lies. What makes you think anything is going to fix this? When someone shows you who they are, believe them. It's her way or the highway. So like I said, talk to an attorney, get your finances in order, and get out of this awful relationship.

00Lisa00 wrote:

You didn’t fail. Your wife wanted to cheat but didn’t want to call it cheating. She never wanted/expected you to do the same. The fact she said she’d divorce you if you didn’t is extra manipulative. The fact she tried to harm your relationship with your daughter is the last straw. I personally wouldn’t find this situation fixable.

But never beat yourself up for any of this. This is all your wife going off the rails and you tried hanging on for dear life but maybe it’s time to let go. Also I’d be fully open with your daughter about the whole situation. It will all come out eventually so the true story instead of rumors and lies is much healthier.