'My wife kissed another man on a night out. I wasn’t bothered, now she’s causing issues.' UPDATED 12X
"My (41m) wife (41f) kissed another man on a night out. I wasn’t bothered and now she’s causing issues over it."
Bit of context. We’ve been together since we were 18. Never had a great s*x life after the first year. Maybe once or twice a year at most since then but at the minute it’s going on three years and although it bothers me, I love her and I love our kids so I’m not going to make a big deal out of it. I know plenty of friends in the same situation.
Another bit of context is that I’ve always been mildly overweight but always fit as I played a lot of sports until about ten years ago when I got really ill and a mixtures of meds and comfort eating made me balloon up to nearly 300 pounds.
Well, two years ago I decided to do something about, I’m now around 200 which at 6’2 is the lightest I’ve been as an adult and I’ve actually enjoyed using weights and for the first time in my life have a bit of abs and some muscle.
My wife, having always been far hotter, is pretty obvious insecure about the fact that for the first time we’ve been together women are starting to look at me and message me on my baking pages on social media. For the record, I’ve never even looked at another woman in that way. On to the night in question. My wife went out with some friends, a mix of single and in a relationship.
She looked stunning and I told her so, I even updated my phone homescreen to that picture of her lol. One of the friends she was out with messaged me about three months and the gist was she knows I get no s*x, my wife doesn’t realise how lucky she is and basically do I want to hook up. I obviously instantly take a screenshot and send it to my wife.
Around 4am my wife gets home and she wakes me up as she gets in to bed. I’m half awake but can tell something is wrong and ask what the matter is. She doesn’t say anything for a few seconds and as I go to grab her hand she pulls away. I ask if she wants me to get her a drink and she says no.
Then she just blurts it out and says “I met a guy tonight he kissed me. I didn’t kiss back at first then I did. Then for the next half hour we were dancing and constantly kissing”. She kept saying sorry and begging me not to leave her. My honest first reaction was “so what it’s only kissing and dancing” I didn’t say that I just hugged her and tried to calm her down.
An hour or so later once I got the right words in my head I said “I know you feel really guilty but please don’t, "’m not going to leave you and break up our family over some kissing and dancing. I don’t love you any less than I did yesterday, and this isn’t something that’s going to grow and cause and resentment.”
More or less right on cue my phone goes off and it’s that friend of hers with a picture and a video of what my wife was doing. This set my wife off again but my feelings still haven’t changed and a month later that remains the case.
In that month since then my wife has accused me of not loving her because I didn’t care, she’s accused me of kissing other people and more which is why I didn’t care as I was covering up my own indiscretions and she’s accused me of being gay multiple times which doesn’t make sense.
She keeps asking me why I haven’t initiated anything with her even though in the past she’s told me she hates being touched and not to ever try it on with her which I have respected. She’s basically projecting and it’s annoying me as it’s putting a strain on us which she is 100% causing. How do I get through to her that she needs to stop feeling guilty and just move on because I have as it’s not a big deal?
I was genuinely more annoyed when she broke my baking bowl and tried to blame it on the cat lol.
TL;DR: wife kissed another man. I don’t care and now she’s causing problems because she’s guilty and projecting. How do I stop this?
Not long after posting, OP jumped on with a few updates.
Edit: Hi all just wanted to say thank you all so much for taking the time to respond to me I really do appreciate it and I’m overwhelmed you all took the time. I keep getting asked a few questions so thought I’d address them here.
Over the years we have been to a few different couples counsellors and s*x therapist the latest being last September for both. My wife always feels like she’s being victimised by them and we stop going.
Nearly all have said though they think she is as*xual and two even saying she is displaying a lot of signs of being a closeted lesbian which I have brought up to her before and she is adamant she’s not. On that note I’ve had a lot of messages saying she wants to feel wanted and for me to be more forward with her.
This is not true. In all our sessions she said she doesn’t want me trying it on with her she doesn’t even want me to initiate hugs and just bringing up s*x makes her feel under pressure. She let me, and our therapists, know that if she ever has s*x without her initiating, it will be no more than pity sex. As for people saying I don’t love her.
I buy her flowers every Friday on the way home from work, I bake her her favourite cookies or cupcakes every weekend, I send her voice notes of songs I’m listening to that remind me of her, I tell her I love her everyday, I run her a bath every night. This isn’t me showing off, this is how I was brought up to show love for those saying I must’ve been brought up in an unloving home.
People have said that if I don’t get jealous I don’t love her. If she told me she was having an emotional affair, she spent hours on the phone with someone else laughing and joking, she snuggled on a sofa eating chocolates and watching TV with someone, etc I’d be devastated. A dance and a kiss isn’t a big deal to me and not even close to divorce. Thank you all again for reading xx
SECOND EDIT: It’s 7am in the morning here now the day after I posted this. Been talking to my wife since 6 and said she’s got a week to agree to go back to couples counselling and she’s got to stick it out this time and not just accuse them of taking sides and refuse to go back. She said no. She said they all b*lly her and make her out to be the bad guy.
She said I went back on my word that I forgive her and won’t resent her. I said this isn’t about the kiss it’s about her reaction since the kiss and that it feels like she’s purposely trying to drive me away and make me leave her. She just got up and stormed out the room. She then got dressed and said she’s going out until I go to work.
The comments came rolling in.
leye-zuh wrote:
She's trying to sabotage the relationship and she's getting mad that you won't let her.
OP responded:
That’s the conclusions I’m heartbreakingly coming to. This hurts infinitely more than seeing her kiss someone else.
thrilliam_19 wrote:
This is my immediate thought too. I had a relationship end this way. Was with a woman for over a year and it was one of the best relationships I had ever been in. We were great together and one day she asked me to move in with her. I was more than happy to.
Then after about a month she realized she regretted her decision but instead of telling me she just became a completely different person and totally sabotaged our relationship to force me to be the one that ended it.
We went from having s*x daily to not at all. She went grocery shopping while I was at work but only for herself. She went out with friends almost every night and never invited me along. Whenever I tried to talk to her about her behaviour she would say I wasn’t trying hard enough and if I didn’t like it I should just leave.
I figured out what she was doing when she purposely left a bottle of cologne she had bought on our dresser. It was the same kind she bought for me, but I had a lot left still. When I asked her about it she said it was for a friend. I left the next day. The kicker: she still got mad at me when I left because she couldn’t afford rent on her own. She was mad that she would also have to move.
tinysheen wrote:
Brother I say this with love. Just get a divorce. If it’s not this issue, she’ll create another one further down the line.
OP responded:
This is a thoughts that’s been creeping in to my head, is she trying to blow up the relationship but make me be the one who leaves?
plastic_venus wrote:
She’s insecure about you getting more attention so thought if she did this you’d realise that she’s also wanted by others, thus making you panic and ignore those other women who now notice you. When she didn’t get that reaction her initial panic spiralled. She basically played a stupid game and in return won a stupid prize.
OkEstablishment1119 wrote:
She told you because her friends had the evidence that a great guy was being screwed behind his back. You have a roommate not a wife.
OP responded:
I think that’s the only reason she told me too. She knew she’d been filmed. At the end of the video she looks at the camera and then darts towards it and the video ends.
anivarcam wrote:
She doesn’t want to be with you but doesn’t want to be the bad guy and initiate the separation, so she is putting you in a “no win” situation. No matter what you do she’ll always be upset and claim she wanted the opposite thing. If you initiate s*x she would feel disrespected and pressured; if you don’t initiate s*x she would claim she feels abandoned and not wanted.
She kissed someone else, confessed and begged for forgiveness but the minute you forgave her she is mad you cave. She knows she doesn’t love you anymore and will make your life miserable until you leave.
OP responded:
This is the conclusion that is horrifically dawning on me.
Twelve days later, OP shared another update.
It’s been nearly two weeks since I made the post and the short update is that we are getting divorced. I said in my last post I told her I wanted us to go back to couples counselling and s*x therapy. She said no to both as we went before and she felt b*llied.
She said at s*x therapy that unless she initiates touching, not just s*x any touching like hugs or hand holding, it will be against her will and will be forced/pity affection from her. The s*x therapist said that’s very unreasonable and that’s why she felt b*llied there. I tried to ask her a few questions too:
Are you a lesbian or at least bi? Don’t be stupid.
Are you asexual? I’m not a teenager with a stupid label
What did he have I don’t? Nothing I just wanted to do it.
Why don’t you ever want to do that with me? Don’t know
What can I do to make you want to do that to me? Don’t know
Do you want me to take the initiative and try it on with you more?
F#$k no I’ll tell you when I want it don’t guess.
So she refused the therapy and gave me no straight answers, she has also said I’ve gone back on my word about not letting the kiss split us up because now it is. I said it’s not the kiss it’s your behaviour since then that has caused me to want to divorce.
She said as it’s my decision to divorce and it’s all my fault then I should be the one to tell out kids and she will have no part of it. That was hard. As soon as they were told my wife left for her sisters and in the three days since I haven’t heard anything from her. I’ve tried speaking to her about the kids as they miss her but she reads my messages and ignores me.
A lot of people asked about the friend and why they still talk after she tried it on with me. How I understand it is my wife tried to get the friend group to cut the friend out but they all pretty much refused and so my wife just chose to ignore her in group settings. On the night in question the friend approached my wife and told her if she didn’t tell me she would send me the video.
So my wife didn’t tell me because she felt guilty but because she was forced. I’ve also spoke to a couple of other friends in the group and asked what’s been going on I’m not privy too. Apparently my wife was s*xting her friends boyfriend a couple of years ago. My wife has also been boasting about how she has me under the thumb and she gets away with giving me nothing and I’m too scared to ask.
The friend apparently saw me out shopping one day and decided I was now “more f**kable” and thought she’d try and exact some revenge on my wife. So she didn’t really want me I was just a pawn in this weird friend groups one of many internal beefs with each other which I’ve found out about in the last few days.
Basically they all seem to hate each other and mess with each other’s partners. I’ll be honest now and I feel incredibly guilty about it but when she left my body and soul seemed to take a massive sigh of relief. It was like a black cloud that was dripping eggshells on the floor for me to constantly avoid has gone.
I feel terrible for feeling this way but I feel like I’m my 6’2 height now rather a brow beaten 3 foot who was scared to even say anything for fear of being told I’m wrong or insulted or ridiculed. It’s like the blinkers have been taken off. Spent the day today baking with my kids, eating easter eggs and watching cartoons and I haven’t stopped smiling all day.
I haven’t winced or broke out in a sweat worrying I’m about to be told off about being too noisy or watching the wrong thing on tv or there’s a wrapper on the floor etc. Thank you everyone for your support on my last post. I appreciate you all xx
TL;DR: we are divorcing.
The internet was super supportive of OP.
mak_zaddy wrote:
You didn’t go back on your word friend. Her actions after the fact…and lack thereof is the reason.
OP responded:
Yep I’m still not bothered about the kiss!
Fightingkielbasa_13 wrote:
She doesn’t want to take responsibility and is trying to manipulate you into the bad guy. You want to improve the situation and improve yourself from outside help. She wants the status quo to remain and is blaming the medical professionals for making her confront the way she treats you.
Covert narcissists. Look it up so you don’t fall into that trap again. It may suck now, but your sanity should come back to you. You’ve been living in her mind games for a long time.
OP responded:
She is 100% making me the bad guy. I’m not on social media but keep hearing about posts saying things like “you give your life to someone only for them to drop you when your halo slips a bit” whatever lol.
Fightingkielbasa_13 responded:
Dude. Look up covert narcissistic. She caused all the problems, you tried to fix them but it was never enough or correct for her. Now that you forced her hand at attending therapy to make a change she discarded you & is blaming everything on you. Her fragile ego can’t take that it’s her fault and she has to project it back onto you. She can never accept responsibility.
A hallmark of this phase is her badmouthing you to all of your friends and family to make it seem you are responsible. Remember your version of what occurred. ( id suggest writing as much down as you can for reference) There is going to be a ton of revisionist history as she is going to warp everything to her reality. Remember, Nothing can ever be her fault or her facade will crumble to pieces.
OP responded:
That’s what I’ve been thinking about the last few days, that everything wrong in her life has been traced back to me and is my fault. From big things like I don’t earn enough money for her to live in the house she wants to little things like. She knocked her glass over and it’s my fault as I talked to her while she was watching something.
wannabeextrovertanon wrote:
Ask the friend for that video and post it and voila,
Caption it beneath her post " not perfect is an understatement."
OP responded:
I’ve got that video and all the screenshots of her sexting her friends boyfriends and also there some screenshot of a WhatsApp group chat where she has been posting pics for strangers to comment on but it’s blatantly her as she has a tattoo under her boob which is unique to her. There also some other videos and pics of nights out which her friend group have sent me.
OK_Kangaroo_1873 wrote:
OP, Best of luck! No matter what happens, you’ll survive! I’ve been on my 2nd marriage for 22 years now and, while it’s had its ups and downs, I’ve been very happy with #2! Just give yourself time to recover before moving on with your life.
OP responded:
Thank you for the kind words mate.
HealthBox5 wrote:
She sounds pretty awful, and was looking for a reason man.
OP responded:
I think you were right or she was testing me. Either way play stupid games win stupid prizes.
HeroORDevil8 wrote:
Her and that friend group all deserve each other ffs. She's desperately trying to make you the bad guy when all roads are leading to her and her s#$tty actions.
OP responded:
I’ve been talking to a few of them as they have screenshots and videos and photos of other stuff but they sound like some horrible sitcom. They all seem to hit on each other’s girlfriends and boyfriends and just be a very messy group.
Over a week later, OP shared another update.
Also want to thank everyone again for their concern and kindness they’ve shown me on my two posts. Unfortunately the post was locked before I found out so I couldn’t thank you all personally. After my last update a lot of people commented and messaged me to say that am I sure my kids are mine.
This thought never entered my head until I read what people said. Last Thursday I ordered a paternity test, sent it Friday and awaiting the results. At this point I don’t really care it won’t change my love for them but I’m terrified if they come back as not biologically mine I’ll lose them. I'd discussed this with my lawyer last week who said if they aren’t mine it will be much much harder to get even any kind of custody.
I told him if it comes to that then I’ll keep fighting until the end. Blood or no they are my boys. Speaking of the boys my stbx has seen them a couple of times with her mum, who is genuinely a nice person, and the kids have been fine. I can’t say the same about my baking equipment though.
She came in to the house on Friday last week when she knew I was out and took a lot of it and purposely broke some bits she knew had sentimental value to me that came from my grandma and my mum. I can’t prove she did anything and she brought the stuff back on Sunday and said she just borrowed the items but I love baking and she is slowly ruining it for me.
I’d already deleted my Instagram page because she was insecure about the women who followed me and this time she must’ve remembered I was making a cake for my nieces birthday and tried to sabotage it. I’ve made notes and screenshots of everything. As a lot of you rightly predicted she had also been cheating on me a lot although no evidence of it being physical yet from what I can tell.
Her friend who is also in this WhatsApp group where women basically just post nudes and men comment (I still need to get the details of this group so I can finally get to see some boobs again lol) sent me a lot more screenshots of photos she’s taken, all round our house, blatantly her bedroom in some of them and one even stood against my car!
Also a few of these friends are single and when they hook up with someone my wife will add the guy on Facebook and has basically been offering herself to them.
One of the friends messaged one of the guys who still had the chats in his Facebook dms and sent the friend a load of screenshots to send to me. All in all I must have over 100 screenshots of stuff she’s been saying and sending to people and all of that is within the last couple of years so it probably goes on further.
As for the divorce still in the early stages. One day I want to fight the next I just want to give her everything (materially, not the kids) and walk away and start again so I can get this finished and done. If you got any questions I’ll try to answer. It’s nearly midnight here but I’ll try to stay up lol.
The next day, OP shared a small (but important) update.
Update: got the DNA results and my sons are mine.
Thank you for your support everyone xx.
Three days later, OP shared another update.
It’s 6am nearly here. My ex wife has the kids last night and I’m dr-nk and lonely. First night I’ve had to myself in maybe 20 odd years and I didn’t know what to do. I thought about getting someone round so I could finally have some physical interaction. Instead I just sat on my own and drank for the first time in years too. Sorry for the boring post I’m just lonely and wanted some affection.
Commenters offered their support.
NChristenson wrote:
Hoping that you are feeling at least some better. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for, and the love for your kids that leaves you feeling lonely right now is a part of that strength.
OP responded:
Thank you. My kids came back at 6 last night and they were pretty much in bed and asleep by 7. Got a day planned at a fair today and then an early night ready for school tomorrow. I just instantly feel better when they are back.
RedsRach wrote:
Totally here if you need to chat. It must be very daunting facing time alone for the first time in a long time, but it might get easier if you make a plan rather than finding yourself at a loose end. For example, you could rediscover things you’ve loved but lost along the way, just because life is so busy. Are there things you used to love but no longer had time for? For me, it was horses and Lego but they’re kinda niche 😂
Is there any music you particularly enjoy? Make a list of old stuff you used to enjoy and new stuff you’d like to try and hit Amazon to make sure you’ve got anything in you might need. Sooner than you think (hopefully) you’ll start to look forward to these times as something just for you, to recharge your batteries.
Self-care is important, you’re clearly a good guy and taking this time for yourself will help you be even better for your kids. Sending lots of good wishes!
mangotorn wrote:
You got this. I have read your posts and you are a good man. What your stbxw did is not something that can be blamed on you. You can't control other people's behavior. What you can do is to focus on you and your kid. To give yourself the best possible conditions for a good life, and from my perspective you are doing that, just skip the drinking because it wont help anyway and not good for your health.
The best revenge against your stbxw is to live your life to the fullest, not have any outbursts and show her that you can move on. Don't put yourself on her very low level. You are better than that. Let her make her own life miserable.
You can life without her toxic behavior. You are a good man and you have a long promising life ahead. Grow and become the best version of yourself. Make the best out of it. I know you can. I know you will:)!
Two months later, OP shared another update.
I have moved back to my hometown and given my ex the house. I know people won’t be happy with that but I just wanted a clean break and no ties to her or that city.
The kids are with me and see their mum at weekends (provided I make the five hour round trip to drop them off on a Saturday morning and then make the same trip Sunday afternoon to pick them up 🙄). I know again people will say I’m doing what she wants but if it makes my kids happy it makes me happy. She seems ok with this arrangement although she has flaked twice already.
Once the kids say they no longer want to go I won’t take them. The divorce is still going through but won’t be done for a few more months yet according to my lawyer. I’m baking a lot more now and loving it! Thank you everyone who has thought about me you are all so great xx
The internet continued to offer support.
Trouble_In_Mind wrote:
Although I think that drive is NUTS, I appreciate the lengths you're going to for the kids. I'm glad you're still baking, and things are progressing - keep churning out Lil Bruce's and having fun!
Also - I highly recommend adding orange extract and zest to a chocolate batter for a chocolate-orange cake. Add an orange marmalade between the layers for extra citrus-y goodness 🍊
OP responded:
It is bloody nuts but they miss her so I have to do it.
Ooo that sounds lovely!! I’ll have to try that especially the marmalade! I love orange marmalade!
virtualchoirboy wrote:
Glad you're taking steps to move forward with your life. Far better approach than walking backwards looking at the past longingly. Also, as a dad who cooks and who taught my (now adult) kids to cook, get the kids involved in your baking when you can.
It will give them a valuable skill for adulthood and gives you something to bond over that they'll never forget. My proudest cooking achievement was when my youngest dropped down to the minimal commuter meal plan his junior and senior year at college because he had decided to choose a suite with a kitchen and cook all his own meals those years.
Six weeks later, OP shared another update.
My (41m) ex (41f) messaged me yesterday saying she no longer wants to see our two kids and is happy to “give them away” in our divorce. How to navigate mixed emotions of this?
I posted on here a few months ago if you want to look at my profile send read them about my wife kissing another man on a night out despite not having had sex with me for years. I wasn’t bothered and was willing to ignore it and carry on but she kept making issues over it and eventually we split up.
I moved back to my home city about two hours away and the kids came with me. My ex wife said it was too far for her to travel to have them at weekends so every Saturday morning I’ve been driving them up to her and then picking them back up Sunday evening so they got to see their mum.
We’d make fun trips out of it and would take snacks, play audiobooks, have singalongs etc but I’d noticed they always seemed happier to be picked up than taken there. I just always assumed it was because all their stuff and their main home was with me.
My ex has started to cancel these weekends a bit recently, 3 of the last 5 she’s cancelled. She started to say things like “they don’t like me anyway” and “you’ve poisoned them” which is not true I have NEVER said a bad about their mum to them or in front of them and never would. Plus I make two four hour round trips every weekend so she can see them and they can see her.
I’ll be honest every Saturday after I drop them off I cry all the way home. I miss them so much. They are my little best mates. Every night after dinner we will all do our chores and do a different activity, sometimes it’s a walk in the woods behind my house, or we bake, or have movie nights, or read books together.
I’m quite good with my hands and love making and fixing things whether it’s baking, cooking, diy or car repairs and they have started to take an interest too so we have a couple of projects on the go like building a kind of Wendy house for them but it will have games consoles, a fridge for their drinks and snacks etc.
Plus we are also building a couple of petrol go karts from scratch for them to race at a nearby track when they are done which they are designing themselves and we are building together.
Basically my life is taken up with them in the week and then at the weekends I feel like a lost zombie until it’s time to go get them. Then yesterday I received a short text from her saying she no longer wants to see them, all they do is ask for me anyway, they don’t have fun there and they basically get in the way.
I was absolutely heartbroken for my boys and I rang her straight away. I’ll be honest I started crying as I felt so bad for them and she genuinely acted like I was annoying her for wanting to get to the bottom of it. She then said “sounds like you don’t want them either and are just trying to palm them off et the weekends” and hung up on me.
I don’t even know how I’m going to tell them this. Do I just say she’s cancelled for a few weeks and see how it goes? Do I tell them the truth? How do I say it in a way that kids will understand and won’t absolutely crush them? Then I’ve got the conflicted selfish emotion of pure joy that I’ll have the whole weekends with them! It’s so selfish of me I know as they are going to be sad while I’m happy.
Has anyone been in a simile situation from my side or the kids side? How do I handle this?
TL;DR: ex wife said she no longer wants to see the kids. I’m sad for them and happy for me. How do i handle this?
The internet continued to have OP's back.
Bravadofire wrote:
Lock that in quick.
Talk to a lawyer and have her give up her parental rights.
oddmanguy1 wrote:
If she doesn't want to see the kids then you should get it in writing. If you can get sole custody then if she tries something you will be protected.
Good luck.
Mispict wrote:
You stop facilitating their relationship for a start. I did all the work with my children to make sure they had a relationship with their dad. He held it over my head for years. I should have stopped pushing it and just got on with our lives without him.
If she shows real effort, then you help facilitate again, but you can't force it.
And you go for child support. You can't force people to have a relationship with their children, but you can force them to support them financially.
This might sound cold, but in the long run, letting her disappear unless she wants a meaningful relationship is best for your children and best for your mental health. Far too much of your energy can be wasted on the absent parent, and you need that energy for you and your boys.
Almost a month later, OP shared another update.
Quick recap. Split up with my wife a few months ago after she cheated on me on a night out. I was willing to stay but she got upset I wasn’t more upset and I had enough and left.
I moved two hours away to my home town and let her have the house. Our two sons came with me. I drive them to and from her house every weekend to see them but she started cancelling and then one day text me saying she no longer wants to see them and is happy to “give them up” in the divorce.
So as far as her giving up her rights as parent it’s a lot harder than I thought. Both my lawyer and hers have told me that it’s hard to do this in the UK and neither of them have seen a judge allow it unless there is a physical or sexual chance of harm to the children.
However they have both also said they’ve never presented a case like this to a judge where both parties agree to it fully. They’ve drafted an agreement where we both agree to my ex wife no longer have responsibilities towards my children including financially. Let’s see what happens with that just waiting now to get a court date but they said that can be months away.
On to the hardest part, telling my kids. I’ll be honest I haven’t. The first couple of weeks I just said mum had cancelled again when they asked and the eldest in particular seemed pretty relieved at this both times and last weekend they didn’t even ask, it’s been over a month now since they’ve seen her.
The eldest has also told me that he doesn’t like going there anyway as all she does is sleep and shout. He also told me the other day he prefers his new house and he feels more relaxed. I feel terrible as I was obviously missing signs before that he wasn’t fully happy when we were together as a family.
At least he’s more comfortable now. I had a bit of a wobble last night with my youngest though. He was watching Land Before Time and then he started saying he misses his mum and then started crying. It was full blown tears and breaking down and it was awful to see.
While I was holding him I started crying but I made sure he couldn’t see. I didn’t say anything bad about his mum or tell him she doesn’t want to see him anymore I just hugged him and stroked his hair and told him I’ll always be here for him and he can always come to me if he’s upset, happy or just wants to be silly and I’ll never push him away.
Once they were in bed I was in pieces. Blaming myself for leaving their mum. Questioning why I couldn’t be stronger and live with it for a few more years until they were adults. It was me who left. It’s me who’s made them drive up and down the country every weekend.
Unsettled them. Uprooted their lives. At 2am this morning I drafted a text to my wife asking her to get back together and to be a mum again. Luckily I didn’t send it. I had about three hours sleep but feel better this morning. None of her family have been in touch either to try and maintain a relationship with the boys. It’s horrible to be honest but they are the ones missing out on these two amazing kids.
One of her cousins messages me every so often but she asks more about me than kids so that either feels like ulterior motive or a trap which I’m not falling in to. As for my divorce mg lawyer has said it should hopefully be finalised before Christmas. Not that it’ll make much difference.
I don’t wear my ring and she has a new 20 year old boyfriend (not the guy she cheated with). Will be nice though to finally be able to say ex wife and it be official.
TL;DR: not much success with kids mum dropping responsibilities officially. Kids seem a bit happier.
The comments kept coming.
JayTheFordMan wrote:
She'll be back, after she's had her fun with toy boys and playing the fun single stuff she'll start to miss her kids, and that's when your hard work will really start. You will have to prepare yourself to make the hard decisions and decide if a deadbeat Mum is entitled to just come waltz back into your kids life at some point in the future after all the hard work repairing her wreckage.
OP responded:
I will do everything in my power to stop her coming back in and breaking their hearts again.
Chea678 wrote:
It is okay if your children see you cry. They will learn that you can have emotions and still take action. Don't hide it.
OP responded:
They have seen me cry before. I just hid it this way because I didn’t want my little lad to think it was his fault I’m crying.
mustrememberthis709 wrote:
If she doesn't want them now, she didn't then either. So please don't try to get back together. You don't know what kind of damage she was doing to them.
Solid_Chemist_3485 wrote:
What an incredibly difficult situation! Please try to reframe crying from “breaking down” to what it really is, natural emotional healing and the only way you are all going to get through this. Your sons seeing you cry will help them be able to model healing themselves. They need your good example of that now.
They’re going to be dealing with one of the most profound rejections anyone can experience.
My mother abandoned me in my teens and it took me decades to heal. Set them up for emotional health through this.
anonredditorofreddit wrote:
I think you're doing a huge mistake not making her pay child support. At the very least, if you own property, you should not share them with her. That could be used as an investment you can pass on to your kids.
Two and a half months later, OP shared another update.
It’s been just over three months since she said she doesn’t want to see them. Within a month of her saying that she changed her mind and did want to see them. I spoke to my lawyer who heard from her lawyer and my lawyer said since there’s nothing official about her giving up her rights I shouldn’t stop her as it will look bad on me.
I agreed then but said I am no longer making two four hour round trips every weekend to drop them off it’s up to her to come pick them up. My kids are now both constantly crying saying they don’t want to go and they are scared up there as she’s always tired and angry. I’m having to console them constantly and it’s breaking my heart. First weekend no show no notice.
Second weekend she tells me she can’t make it. Third weekend some random woman appears at my door and said my ex wife sent her to pick the kids up. I tell her to leave and never come back. Ex wife rings the police and tells them I am kidnapping my kids. P-lice being the anti father institution they are turn up and start telling me to take the boys back to their mum.
I inform them they haven’t seen their mum in months and I’m their primary parent. They don’t believe me but eventually do when I show them the kids school uniform and that they are enrolled in a local school. Her lawyer now says they want mediation. I end up travelling two hours for mediation with my lawyer and it’s absolute bollocks.
The mediator is the most biased person to the point even my ex wife’s own lawyer said “this isn’t right and you are being ridiculous, it looks like we’ve paid you off” after the mediators idea of compromise was me taking the kids up there myself, staying in a hotel nearby, giving my ex money to entertain the kids and then being on call to help out if my ex was struggling with them!
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. We all walked away with no ideas set in place. I told my ex wife and her lawyer outside.
She or her parents come pick the kids up and that’s it there’s no other solutions to this. The following weekend her parents are there to pick the kids up. My boys cried and fought and begged not to go and I couldn’t stay strong. I broke down and just hugged them on my driveway for as long as it took them both to calm down and I apologised and said “I don’t want this.
I want you two forever. I’ll see you tomorrow.” My ex father in law gave a sorry nod as he led the kids away and that was it. Later that night I got a screenshot of a conversation my ex wife had been having with someone saying that she wants more custody so she can start to claim money off me.
That night the windows were put through on my house and this was just the start of a campaign that is still going on now which I assume is to make me react and look v--lent. I’ve had my car vandalised, windows replaced and then smashed again, online accusations made about me, my business hit with one star reviews, constant takeaways and taxis ordered to my house.
My parents' house and car has also been targeted. It always happens on the Saturday night my kids are up there. I ring the police everytime and log it and they never care. I’ve got proof it’s her cousins after one of them filmed himself on the street next to mine at 2AM and put it on TikTok. Police don’t care.
This is my life now. The poor kids having to go up there every weekend against their will. Me being constantly threatened. I’ve had official paperwork from her lawyer saying she’s going to be asking for more custody. Me having to bite my tongue and hold my temper while me and my family are attacked and harassed.
Having to see 100s of people attacking my character on Facebook and Twitter as my ex tells everyone that I’ve turned the kids against her. Getting random men ringing me saying they are going to come and st-b me for ab-sing my ex, having people say there’s no smoke without fire and believe all women etc etc.
I hate the way that this situation is starting to make me become a more hateful person. I’m nothing biases where I didn’t before and I’m also finding myself to become very untrusting of women, as 95% of the people calling me online are women.
It sounds terrible but I was watching a show the other day where a woman was talking about her ab-se situation and my first thought was “she’s lying to get him in trouble” and then I had to scold myself for victim blaming. This is really messing me up. You try and do everything right and nothing works. All I want is a quiet safe life for my kids.
The internet continued to be invested.
TheSacredSynergist wrote:
Ok, let me be blunt. You screenshot people who called you a simp or, in other words, weak. And here you are, claiming to try to do the best for the kids. Please explain how any of this is the best for the kids? I would have made her sign away the parental rights, and after a while, this would be their new normal, but there would be no chaos.
Instead, you tried to do the "right thing" and bit you in the ass, making your kids miserable, and they will resent you for this chaos you have brought into their lives. The best thing you can do is scorch earth. You are trusting a system that would arrest you first and ask questions later.
This is why people have been giving you a reality check in your DMs. You show them on your post cause you want to play the victim instead of taking charge and laying down the law. No one feels bad for you. They feel bad for your children cause you have allowed this to hurt them, and you ran away from the problems instead of confronting them.
Your ex knows something about you...where there's mush, you push. Meaning she sees a weak point she presses. At this rate she will get custody of the kids, have you pay for all her expenses and child support while you life in a 2 door Honda civic as a homeless bum. Is this harsh...yes! But where am I wrong? And don't come with excuses...stick with facts.
OP responded:
As soon as she sent the messages I spoke straight away to my lawyer but here in the UK you can’t just sign away your parental rights overnight. It has to go through the courts which takes months and even then a judge or a committee has to decide if you can just stop being a parent and my lawyer, and others I spoke to, said it’s very rare it will be granted that you can just legally stop being a parent.
I’ve spent over £15k in lawyer fees already you think I’m just sitting here waiting for it to happen magically? I’ve applied for an immediate non visitation order or whatever the f--k it’s called on the grounds of abuse and neglect but it was rejected as there are no signs of emotional or physical ab-se. I can’t legally stop her seeing the kids.
I will be arrested for keeping a mother away from her children and they won’t look at text messages that she’s said they’ll look at the facts that she is legally their mum and there’s f--k all I can do about that.
My hands are f--king tied. I’ve spoke to all sorts of family solicitors and they all say the same thing. I can’t legally stop her seeing them. I can stop being so accommodating by driving them there myself which I have done but outside of that I can’t stop her.
If I got arrested for not letting her see the kids then I play right in to her f-king hands which is what she wants. The kids are the real victims as they are pawns in this bulls--t legal system that she’s playing when f--king Stevie Wonder can see they are better off with me!
Thordawwg wrote:
Stay strong mate, sounds like your kids love you and need you. It's been a while since I read your other posts; is there some roadmap or end point lined up?
Like it seems there's a fair bit of evidence of her not showing up to take the kids, do you have it in text that she wrote she doesn't want then anymore? Surely there's some point where it's demonstrated you are the primary guardian and she's demonstrably unreliable/unstable.
Signal_Historian456 wrote:
Cameras and blinding lights outside. And talk to your lawyer about going an instance higher against the police. Maybe talk about informing the press about what’s going on. And go against your ex for defamation.
A month later, OP shared another update.
My ex wife has signed all the divorce papers out of nowhere and it’s all in motion! All signed and sent off. I made an update about four weeks ago of all the shit my ex and her family have been doing. The day after the post I’d had enough. I left my boys with my parents and went to see her parents. When I got there they inviting me in and over a cup of tea I shown them every piece of evidence I have.
Screenshots, screen records, cctv and then the worst screenshots of messages between my ex and three of her friends who all betrayed her and sent me screenshots of messages she’d sent them with plans to make me the lose the kids, burn down my business, even gave me k-lled.
Then the worst one was a video from her friends Reolink camera saying she’ll tell the p-lice I’m a child ab-ser in all the worst way possible.
I said the p-lice aren’t interested but if I ever hear from any of her family ever again I’ll be posting every single bit on social media, every single bit. I told them that she can keep the house and that’s it. They rang me that night and apologised and said nothing will happen again and that my ex agrees to the divorce but can she see the kids one weekend a month.
I agreed. The next day I rang my solicitor and between him and hers they agreed all the funeral details and this morning I got it all back from her signed. Be a few more months until it’s official but it feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
The comments kept coming.
TheSacredSynergist wrote:
You mean the moment you threatened to burn her life into the ground and go nuclear, she backed off and surrendered? This is why I said to do this...I said she would back down, and people here said that I was wrong. I literally told you the threat alone would make her back off. Cause she wants to save face and doesn't want the humiliation.
People here were saying i was in the wrong. I knew I wasn't cause I know human nature. She wants people to see her as a good person. The moment her family knew the truth, she saw, "Oh s--t he will burn my life into the ground." Hope she will leave you alone now and you can move forward. You deserve a fresh start.
OP responded:
Yeah once the thought of the heartbroken mum persona she had made could be shattered she backed right down.
eightmarshmallows wrote:
This sounds like really good news. So has she stopped harassing you and is she actually seeing the kids now? Do they know their mom was behind all of the harassment? I just feel for your kids. I can’t imagine growing up knowing my mom would do that to my dad.
OP responded:
Yeah she’s left me alone now but has only seen the boys twice since she said she wants to see them every weekend.
Odd-Collection9840 wrote:
I pray it’s over for you and you can start working on navigating your new life without everything she is bringing to it. Good luck and no more chances for her! She starts up, release everything!
OP responded:
Thank you, I really appreciate that.
flygonosk wrote:
Thank god you finally took this to the parents to let them see the crap of a daughter they have. Also I would accept the one month visit but must be supervised, she can be capable of anything even kidnapping them, although she barely love them and just wanted them to keep bothering you.
Also every interaction you have with her just recorded it. Also record and document how you handle the kids and how your received them back. Good luck and the best of wishes for you.
OP responded:
Thank you. The visits will be to the grandparents house and she’ll visit them there.
A month later, OP shared another possibly final update.
Its official! I’m divorced!!! Got the letter from the courts yesterday. It’s actually a lot quicker than expected they said January/february time but it all became official yesterday I celebrated by having a McDonald’s and watching Christmas movies with my boys lol.
The internet was happy to hear the update.
WestCoastWaster wrote:
Finally, well done. Next time grow a fucking pair and stop being such a pushover. As a fellow dad it's frustrating that you still took your kids to see her when they didn't want to. Putting up with all that shit for years, no love, no intimacy and after you found out all the crap she pulled - you still let her keep the house and walked away.
Mate, I get that years of being ab-sed can take their toll and diminish your self-worth in your eyes. But seriously, man the f--k up next time. Your boys are learning from you and with your relationship with your ex all they learned was that it's okay for someone to treat you like s--t for years and to just put up with it.
I'm happy you're in a better place and I wish you the best for the future. Just don't be such a big p-ssy in your next relationship. Know your worth and have some f--king self respect - for your own sake and for your kids. I'm not saying you should go all Andrew Tate (f--k that guy and his alpha-male bulls--t) but don't let ANYONE treat you like that again and you'll be a lot happier.
flygonosk wrote:
Congratulations man, glad for you.
Hope you get all you wanted or at least the custody drama that she tried to being stops. Also this was a early Christmas present. That is a good way to start the holidays.
Tall-Negotiation6623 wrote:
Congratulations! What a wonderful gift. I hope you and the boys will get a lovely Christmas and that you will now get the peace you deserve after the chaos our ex put you through.
TheSacredSynergist wrote:
It's a Christmas miracle lol. Congratulations brother. Now bro McDonald's? Their ice cream machine don't even work.