'My wife is obsessed with healthy eating and cleaning. It's straining our relationship, is this fixable?'
"My wife (32F) is becoming obsessed with healthy eating and cleaning, and it is putting a strain in our relationship (38M). Is this fixable?"
I do not think I am a dirty or unhealthy person. Except for the odd restaurant maybe twice a month, all my meals are home cooked from scratch, nothing frozen, processed or fried either, the only oil we have is extra virgin olive oil, etc.
I thoroughly wash the vegetables, cook the meat always on the safe side, clean as I go, do the chores, but my wife always wants to go one step further. Before she was washing all the vegetables and fruits with baking soda, now she got some strong chemicals to "remove the pesticides."
She becomes vigilante if I am cooking meat, to the point of refusing to eat, touch or allow me to give to our child if she as much as suspect that I mixed the food with a spoon that she thought touched the raw meat before.
Or if I left the meat out of the fridge for more than 5m before cooking she already wants to not eat. She once threw a pack of unopened chicken in the bin just because it was stored in the fridge for 4 days (it was well before the expiration date).
She criticizes my choices of eating even for small things, like if I prefer salted butter over unsalted. She does not allow our daughter anything sweet, processed, she gets angry to the point of saying I am giving her and our daughter cancer if I cook a sausage or bacon for breakfast (like once every 2 months).
She won't allow juices, jams (even the ones 100% fruit), she won't eat out or at other people's homes, talks endlessly if she so much as see a kid eating a pack of crisps (chips) saying harsh things like how can a parent allow a child to eat something worst than sh*t, take away food is completely out of the question, she cut completely alcohol (she used to have a beer or a glass of wine on the weekends).
I am getting extremely tired of the scrutiny I am going through, it is affecting our life too much, and a lot about healthy eating is spoken during the day. Sometimes I feel guilty for enjoying a biscuit with a cup of tea.
How to help? If I say anything to her she gets defensive, angry, says she is doing the right thing, that if I want to die she won't be part of it and won't allow our daughter either. There is so much overthinking and stress over a meal that I am losing my will to cook, clean, eat or even think about it...
TL;DR: Wife is focusing too much on healthy eating, cleaning the vegs and being scarred of meat unless it is made by her and extremely overcooked. Relationship is becoming difficult to navigate, and it is affecting our 3-year-old child.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
coolhappygenius wrote:
I am also concerned for your daughter. Typically children who grow up with such restraints on food develop an unhealthy relationship with food/disordered eating.
OP responded:
Sad that my child talk about treats all the time too. I give her a tiny piece dark chocolate (70 or 80%) once a day, she savours it by breaking into tiny pieces, playing, eating slow, as this is the only sweet my wife agreed (and it is not even very sweet if you ever tried 80% dark chocolate). Still my wife tries to go most days without giving the dark chocolate, or enquires me if I gave, how much, etc.
HatsandTopcoats wrote:
She won't change unless she recognizes she needs to. I suggest you start privately documenting every weird incident; keep a list in your notes app, along with dates. Try to convince her to attend couples' counseling with you. Suggest that the counselor can tell you how terrible your decisions are.
OP responded:
I tried to document, also tried to accommodate some of the changes, but the minute I agree with something we go to the next level. Example: We agreed our child was only allowed to have juice if we were out for a meal, as a treat. Then she tried to cut the juice. I agree. Poor child was having water with ice.
She had fun eating the ice, my wife thought ice couldn't be healthy, sure enough next step the kid have room temperature water when going out less than once a month. I tell her every time I agree something she goes next level, she realises but it is a fight to go back to previous agreements (which were per se already another fight).
It is all so tiring.
competitive_ninja668 wrote:
This is not something you can change about her because she most likely doesn’t see it as a problem. She is not well. She needs professional help.
OP responded:
Yes, she thinks she is being the voice of reason but no one can see. It is a struggle with her family, she fights with all of them for the same reason too. I tried to argument that when you think everyone is wrong but you, maybe it is in fact the opposite, but she won't budge.
Constant-Anywhere-77 wrote:
I’m sorry this is happening to you. I am not a professional, but it sounds like she might be obsessing over all this because of something else. I would encourage couples therapy. Have a talk with her about how you’re feeling and make it obvious you want to figure it out. Once you guys go I bet the therapist will suggest she goes to individual therapy as well.
Tbh at first I was rolling my eyes thinking she just did all the work and you were being dramatic but this sounds like a real problem. Does your wife not realize if you get a divorce you get your daughter half time and get to decide what she eats?!?! 😂
OP responded:
"Does your wife not realize if you get a divorce you get your daughter half time and get to decide what she eats?!?!"
That is something I didn't think either!
SunsetGrind wrote:
Counseling. You guys need counseling asap. She needs professional help, and you have to fight for that. Invite a child nutritionist over and have that conversation if you have to. This isn't a can to kick down the road and hope it gets better. My wife is also a health nut, she does none of this. What she's doing will have a negative impact on your daughter's relationship with food. You need to take steps now.