'My wife proposed we sleep with a friend of ours. I feel conflicted about it.' UPDATED 4X

Being aligned in the bedroom is crucial for long-term happiness.

"My [31m] wife [32f] has proposed a threes*me with another girl [28f]."

My wife Ash and I and I have been married for eight years. I always knew she had bi interests or was at least bicurious, but it never bothered me.In the past we visited str#pclubs as well and she too enjoyed private dances. Last week Ash told me she had been thinking for a while if maybe we could consider "occasionally" including another girl in our s#x life.

I asked her what she meant and she brought up that her friend Claire had expressed an interest in us. I know Claire and she always seemed a quiet, unassuming woman and I was surprised about this. My wife said that before they could have further talk about this she wanted me to know and have my opinion. She said she thinks she would really like that, and it could spice up out bedroom.

I was more concerned than anything else: I read many horror stories about threes*mes gone wrong and poly relationships never working out in the end. My wife countered she doesn't want a poly relationship, just a s#xual thing, and that she understands my concerns and that if I fear it would damage our marriage she will take it off the table without any ill feelings.

She still asked me to seriously consider it because it could be something "beautiful" to share and she wants me in it because she wouldn't enjoy it at all if I consented but kept out. So either both of us are in, or the thing is off. She also said we'll be extensively talking with Claire before anything happens and discuss boundaries, limits and conditions.

Ash is a very logical woman (so logical that we joke that like all engineers she doesn't "live", she "functions") so I am draw to trust her on the logistic and emotional aspects of this. I brought up if she could get jealous of Claire if I did anything with her, she replied she actually fantasized about it.

She also reiterated that Claire is not taking the place of any of us, she is an "extra" (and she knows it) like the str$ppers we visited. I'm leaning to trust Ash and I am considering it, but I still have lots of concerns. What should I do? Should I at least talk about this with both of them before giving a green light? TL;DR: Wife proposed a threesome with another girl, I don't know what to do.

The internet had a lot of comments and questions to add.

Duracoog wrote:

Does this Claire actually want to have s#x with you or reluctantly will if that is the only way to be with your wife? If Claire has feelings towards your wife, it could get messy. Make sure that this isn't a way to hide or initiate an affair.

Many stories here have the "I trust my partner 100%" only to find out something bad. Look at this from every angle. If there is any inclination that this could go South, don't risk your marriage.

OP responded:

Ash said she's actually quite eager to sleep with both of us.

HilMickaelson responded:

In my opinion, it's a really bad idea to have a threesome with someone close to you when you are in a mon0gamous relationship. That's a recipe for divorce and a lot of drama.

There are two possibilities you might not be considering:

The woman might be trying to undermine your relationship on purpose to get you for herself, so she's manipulating your wife into having a threesome, then will pay a lot of attention to you during it and try to have an affair with you afterward to take your wife out of the picture.

Your wife is already interested in that woman, which is why she specifically chose her.

What will you do if your wife finds out that she prefers to sleepwith women and starts having an affair with that woman behind your back?

Don't get me wrong; threesomes can be great, but they involve a lot of trust and setting proper boundaries—questions.

Will you use protection (use c0nd0ms even if the other woman tells you she is on birth control since she might lie and you don't want to take the risk of getting her pregnant), and will all of you get $TD panels before the threesome? Will someone receive more attention during the threesome? Does your wife want to have threesomes regularly, or is it a one-time thing?

Edit: If you decide to go for the threesome, establish safe words (the green-yellow-red safewording system is a good start) and gestures so all involved have a way to exit the situation if things get complicated during it.

Also, pay close attention to your wife during the threesome, as she might panic or freeze when seeing you sleep with another woman. It will help if all of you brainstorm what will happen during the threesome to ensure everyone is on the same page.

DifferentManagement1 wrote:

Are you eager to sleep with Claire?

OP responded:

She's an attractive girl, but it feels weird/wrong for me to sleep with someone who's not Ash.

Agile_Opportunity_41 wrote:

If you are going to consider it absolutely don’t do this with Claire. Go to a swingers club or find someone on tender interested. It will be harder than you think to find someone but don’t start with a friend.

OP responded:

My wife and I already talked about this, and she said it doesn't have be with Claire. She proposed we could also hire an escort for zero emotional involvement.

A few days later, OP shared an update.

I spoke with Ash at length about her proposal and her friend Claire. I brought up some the points you guys made (and some I was concerned about), such as; would this greenlight bringing other people (including men) in our relationship? Why Claire? Do I have to be concerned about the two of them having feelings I don't know about?

Do I have to be concerned about Ash's feelings potentially get hurt if I do anything with Claire? I didn't put those as accusations, but as concerns on my part, which Ash replied to very exhaustively. First, it doesn't have to be Claire. She's very much into the idea and available, but she has already accounted me not wanting her and won't take it personally if that's the case.

For now we have decided for me take meet up with Claire both on my own (with Ash's knowledge) to discuss things and also for me to know her better, and with my wife if things progress. About them having feelings, Ash told me that Claire is basically a "seasoned unicorn," she never caught feelings for any couple and is good at distancing herself if anyone catches feelings.

As for Ash, she has admitted her only feelings for Claire are that for a friend and admittedly, some s#xual attraction. As for me and Claire doing things. Ash has outlined her desires has two - her b@nging an attractive woman, and her watching me b@nging an attractive woman.

Sort of something v0yeuristic, and she said she dreamed and fantasized about this for a while now, basically fantasizing about me "cheating" on her, but with her approval. I am still wrapping my head about all this, and she assured me if I get too uncomfortable about this we can shelve the whole thing no question asked.

She assured me that her fantasies are not worth compromising our marriage for "a couple of org@sms" if I'm not up to it. She says I have the last say and she'll respect it no matter what. This reassures me, and for now we are still in the "considering it" stage. TL;DR Wife and I spoke, we are still considering it.

The internet continued to share their thoughts about the situation.

TheLeoScribe wrote:

I wouldn’t agree to do it with Claire. That’s a recipe for disaster. My advice is if you agree make a rule that nothing happens with anyone you 2 come in contact with and on one more than once. No friends, coworkers, anything like that. I’ve read a lot of stories about bringing in someone close because they “won’t catch feelings” or because they’ve done it before and it ALWAYS ends bad.

OP responded:

Wife had proposed hiring an escort, but for many people here that's a bad idea also.

grissy wrote:

The reason OP’s wife described Claire as a unicorn is because that’s how rare people are that are content to be the “extra” in a monogamous couple’s threesome. I seriously doubt he will find a replacement that he and his wife both find attractive, who has done this before and not caught feelings, and is fine being the third wheel on Tinder anytime soon.

It’s likely their options are Claire or no one. Not saying for sure that he should do it or not, just saying that for practical purposes he’s unlikely to find another unicorn.

OP responded:

I never used Tinder, isn't that just for dating and not hooking up?

TheLeoScribe responded:

From what I heard tinder is where you go for h00kups not relationships. Just make a profile for the two of you and in your bio explain your a couple looking for people for a threesome. Post pics of the two of you.

OP responded:

Don't we risk someone recognizing us? I wouldn't want this to become public knowledge about us, or tarnish our reputation.

AnyDecision470 wrote:

I remember some post where the hubby watched an explicit video of his wife years ago with another man, and he could not get over how she didn’t react that way to him, how she seemed so much more into that guy and it ruined everything. Seems risky because you can’t unsee/undo anything.

Major-Cranberry-4206 wrote:

This is a very dangerous thing to engage your marriage in. What none of you don't seem to understand is that when you start being s#xual with someone, the idea that everybody knows the rules when it comes to "catching feelings" goes right out the window.

You might be able to control your feelings, but you cannot control anyone else's. What happens should your wife and Claire fall in love, and decide they are happier without you, or would really like to try their threesome with some other guy?

Jealousy is very real in this scenario. What happens if you and Claire fall in love? These things do happen. What happens if you decide to call the whole thing off after being in it, and your wife really doesn't want to? It's kind of hard calling that train back after it's left the station. It usually doesn't return.

I say that while you are in the "considering it" stage, you need to delve into your marriage and seriously focus on what is really going on with your wife. I get the sense that if you say no to her proposal, she will do what she wants to do, but just not tell you. I think your marriage is already halfway out the door. You open your marriage up to a third person and you can kiss it good bye.

Two days later, OP shared another update.

Hey guys, me again. My wife and I spoke again and I finally agreed to meet Claire for a coffee in the next days. The catch is, my wife Ash won't be there. She doesn't want to. She told me that's because she already met with Claire one-on-one, and it's fair I do the same to make myself an idea about her without "influences."

I expressed my doubts that this seems like setting me up for a date and without skipping a beat Ash said that it is a date of sorts, or I can frame it as an interview. She says the point is also to see if Claire and I hit it off. Then we'll meet her together. Thoughts? How should I exactly behave here? What questions should I ask, and what are the big "no no"s?

The internet shared their thoughts.

DotComCTO responded:

How about the same questions I posed to you yesterday? What's the end game look like? Let's say you go forward, is this a one-off, or is this ongoing? If it's ongoing, how and when does it end, and how will everyone feel after whatever causes that event? If it's a one-off, what happens if Ash and/or Claire decides they don't want it to be a one-off?

As I wrote earlier, there's a difference between a logical and dispassionate plan, and real life. Real life is a whole lot messier. No one can account for feelings. I think most people would advise that this is something you all have to want to do - without reservations. Otherwise, the potential for things not going well are much greater.

OP responded:

The end game would be to try a first experience, then decide afterwards. Ash too is not very sure if this thing can be a one off or something we might repeat in the future.

DotComCTO responded:

Then meet up, and try not to put any pressure on yourself or Claire. Go in with no expectations other than catching up with a friend. Just talk about normal stuff and see if you guys vibe.

OP responded:

I met her this morning. She was very laid back and friendly, a bit flirty but she did ease my nervousness. She was quite open and answered my question and doubts without issue. It seems she might the ideal person for this. She was very direct too. Asked me if I like her, because she likes me and my wife.

DotComCTO responded:

Well, that's a good update. So, it sounds like your the one to make the final call here. No one here can seriously tell you what you should do. Only you can decide whether to go forward or not, and I wouldn't let anyone else get in your head about it.

OP responded:

Yes. I liked that she didn't try to "sell" the idea to me. Now I will take some days to think on it, then I'll meet her with Ash.

Two days later, OP shared another update.

All went quite well. I was a bit nervous but she's really friendly and laid back, was a bit flirty and made me some compliments and that really helped in making me comfortable. She was quite direct and answered my questions without beating around the bush, and I liked she didn't try to "sell" the idea, rather just giving me the elements for a decision.

Although she did note that most guys of the couples she played it were way too eager, and she actually appreciated my being cautious about it; and she respects if I end up saying no. We didn't discuss much details about what we'll actually do, she agreed with me it would be better to talk about this with my wife and agree on the conditions and boundaries.

However she did mention she could be the one taking the lead with us, as her experience would help in making sure neither of us feels left out and we can all have fun and be satisfied. That's the update as of now.

The responses kept flowing in.

Notsomuchhoney wrote:

Hun, I'm into the thing so your wife is into, this is not a one-time thing. See will want more, better ask yourself if you want that as well.

OP responded:

I don't say it has to be a one time thing, just not become everything we do.

DutchElmWife wrote:

Honey, you don't have to do this. Does your wife understand that she's coercing you? Does she feel guilty about it?

OP responded:

She's not coercing me, at least I don't feel so.

Two days later, OP shared yet another update.

Hey guys, after reading many comments and threads, I decided that having a threesome with another woman like my wife asked is not a good idea and I don't feel comfortable going through with it or talking anymore about it.

I am considering asking my wife if we should cut off the other woman, and maybe stop some activities we did before (visiting str*p clubs) and perhaps consider putting some hard limits and boundaries in the bedroom. I don't want to risk what we have for some bit of fun, and you guys helped me realize that. Thank you for all the advice and comments!

The internet was fully invested.

henri_luvs_brunch_2 wrote:

Group s#x is only fun if everyone is enthusiastic. Good call.

OP responded:

I was a bit intrigued, but I changed my mind. I hope she won't be too bummed about it.

grumpy__g wrote:

Being intrigued and enthusiastic are two different things.

OP responded:

Exactly. In the end it's better to not indulge in this.

grump__g wrote:

You made the right decision. Good luck.

Justadudefromnz wrote:

Sounds like that’s a good decision for you to make. How do you think your wife will feel about not having the threesome with this girl? Then also stopping all your other activities as well?

OP responded:

I still haven't told her, but she noticed my enthusiasm died down and I have become admittedly a bit distant. I think she'll be a bit bummed about it, honestly.

Justadudefromnz wrote:

Yes that’s what I was thinking as well. So you’ll need to manage that conversation with her carefully. Clearly you won’t to focus on your own relationship which is a positive thing. So try to ensure that you talk about these positive things you want in your relationship as well.

OP responded:

You are right. Things will change, I thought we were doing fine but evidently something was going wrong if we got to this.

ArdentFecologist wrote:

Just be prepared that she might not have come to the same conclusion.

OP responded:

She said she would have respected my decision and she's a woman of her word. If this becomes a problem for her, the I'm afraid we do have a problem.

ArdentFecologist wrote:

I mean, I dunno how to tell you this, but someone's 'word' is worth its weight in gold. She might have even said it in good faith, but it's gonna be real hard for her not to develop resentment towards you, when the only roadblock to exploring the lifestyle...is you.

OP responded:

Look, if she decides that b*nging another woman is a hill to die on, she's not the woman I married.

Hopefully, OP and his wife are aligned on this choice moving forward.