'My wife returned from a work retreat with a hickey. She says it’s a bug bite. How do I move forward?' UPDATED 5X

"My wife returned from a work retreat with a hickey. She swears it’s a bug bite but I’m not convinced. I’m at loss. How do I move forward?"

I’m (27M) in a fight with my wife (28F). We’ve had fights before but not this bad. I’m at a loss on how to proceed. For context, we’re college sweethearts married for almost 6 years. We have a daughter (4F). Our relationship was never perfect or without challenges.

We’ve faced some family opposition with cultural differences, but we’ve made it work. She’s my first love and my best friend. My wife works in corporate. Her job has annual work retreats that last for about a week. This year was in Vegas. I usually arrange my work schedule and tag along with her, and we make our own trip out of it.

We couldn’t this year. Our daughter gets major anxiety traveling long distances. We’re working on it but she wasn’t budging, and we decided to choose our battles. So I stood behind and held down the fort at home. The change of plans was a bummer because the trip was part of us reconnecting as both a couple and as a family.

My wife’s work hours have taken a toll, and her work/life balance leaves much to be desired. We entertained the idea of her skipping the retreat. Attendance is optional, but it’s generally frowned upon if you don’t, and my wife’s making connections in her field. She grew increasingly weird. We have a system if either of us is away for extended periods. We keep in contact.

For the first day or so, she was herself, but she grew distant. I’d even text her about important stuff and be left on read while she claimed she never saw my text. Whenever we talked, she was rushing me or our daughter off the phone. These were all times she wasn’t involved in retreat activities. We were supposed to have a mini birthday celebration for our daughter over FaceTime.

Our daughter was excited. It was something my wife promised her because the retreat overlapped her actual birthday. But my wife backed out because she had people up to her room after a seminar. It was like she wanted my permission to break her promise to our daughter. I told her I wasn’t offering that nor making her keep her word.

She said I wasn’t being fair, and this was a networking opportunity. They were business-oriented and wouldn’t understand her stepping away for family time. I said her decision is her decision, but she’d have to explain it to our daughter. She promised her that she’d raincheck the following day. Our daughter didn’t understand and cried.

My wife ended up hanging up and leaving me to comfort our daughter alone. That whole incident rubbed me the wrong way. I didn’t like it. She didn’t keep her word for the rain check either. She was documenting the retreat on social media. One coworker (23M) was almost in every pic/video attached to her hip. In one pic he had his arm too comfortably around her imo.

He’s a recent hire in my wife’s department. She was asked to oversee him. I don’t like the guy. He doesn’t know boundaries. Once, in response to a work assignment, he texted my wife that she’s exactly the kind of woman he needs to keep him in check.

My wife had brushed it off. She feels bad for him because he’s not fitting in. She took him under her wing during his first retreat with the team. If I’d questioned, she’d say she was tired or networking. There was always something. But I’ve seen her at these retreats. This wasn’t like her. She was just off. The day before her return home, she complained about a bruise on her neck. She stressed it was a bug bite.

I didn’t actually see the bruise until she came home. I instantly thought it was a full-on hickey. She kinda brushed it off after making a big deal of it over the phone. I didn’t push because our daughter was present. But when I was able to confront her, she clung to her bug bite claim. When I kept pushing, she asked what I was trying to imply.

I outright said I believed she had a hickey, and I didn’t believe she was being honest with me. We had it out then. She was offended and pissed at the accusation. Infidelity has always been a sore topic. Her family has a history of infidelity. So we had a pretty bad fight, and she accused me of looking to pick a fight due to the incident with our daughter’s birthday.

I told her it had nothing to do with that and everything to do with a hickey on her neck. The fight ended in an impasse. We’re still not recovered. She swears it’s a bug bite. But I’m not convinced. I’ve always trusted my wife. I never doubted her, but this bruise doesn’t look like a bug bite. It looks like a hickey. I only feel more strongly when I consider how distant and weird she was during the Vegas retreat.

Now she’s wearing turtlenecks ever since, and we’re caught between arguing and her dousing our daughter and me with affection. Communication usually prevails for us, but not now. I think my accusation pushed us to a new level of argument. I’m at a loss here. I really need outside perspectives. How do I move forward?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

futbol10fan wrote:

I’m not saying it’s impossible but I’ve never gotten a bug bite that looked like a hickey. Did she show you her phone or provide any proof that could support her innocence or just dismiss you?

The extra affection is a common move from guilt-ridden cheaters. Even if we stretch the imagination and believe it is a big bite, she wasn’t acting trustworthy nor was she a good mother while the was in Vegas and she needs to address and correct that.

OP responded:

No, I haven’t had access to her phone. We usually have an open phone policy but it’s not something we’ve ever really done. I’m sure it’ll be another argument.

Japetchy wrote:

Why did you go on work trips with her in the past? Did she want you to, or did you not want her to go alone. What is (and why is it necessary to have) the system when one of you is away? Whose idea was the FaceTime birthday celebration? Did she not talk to the daughter at all on her birthday or just couldn’t do the FaceTime celebration?

OP responded:

Work/life balance was an issue, so she’d invite me on the retreats. The system is for an extended periods away from each other like how long the retreat was. Especially since we have a child now.

The birthday FaceTime was my wife’s idea. She promised our daughter and got her excited about it. No, she didn’t talk with our daughter until she was calling to cancel. That’s another reason the birthday stunt rubbed me the wrong way.

No_Question8683 wrote:

So she couldn't talk to her daughter on her birthday because she had people in her room. Sounds like she cares less about her family and more about what caused the hickey.

OP responded:

Yeah, you don’t get to disconnect from being a parent, especially to a minor, for extended holidays. You certainly don’t ghost them on their birthday and when you promised to do something special for them and got the child excited about it or hang up on them while they’re crying

I’m not insecure. My wife’s gone on the retreats before. We both work outside the home and have the caring for our daughter. So it’s not an imbalance. My wife’s work/life balance is out of sorts. She’s in the company of other adults plenty

I’ve been with my wife on these retreats and other social events. I know how she is. She was off this entire trip nor was it appreciated her entertaining a coworker, who ignores boundaries, having his arm wrapped around her waist like he was claiming her or something

I trusted her when she said she had a bug bite. I got things to help her treat it for when returned. It was only after I saw the bruise in person that there was no mistaking it was a hickey for me, and I questioned her on it

Over-Researcher7799 wrote:

I’m in tech sales and I go to more conferences and sales events than I’d like to admit. I’ve never had anyone in my hotel room though so that stands out to me as super weird.

I also can’t wait to find a minute to FaceTime my husband several times a day because I miss him and want to chat. I also have no issue stepping away from work events and simply saying I need to check in with home. And no one would question that. It sounds like hickey or not, she’s hiding something.

Pieceofdatfancyfeast responded:

I have literally roomed with people at tech conferences in Vegas, and absolutely had lots of people in the room, and been in many other rooms. I don't think this is some big piece of evidence.

A week later, OP shared an update.

I (27M) wanted to give an update and thank everyone who reached out. The outside perspectives helped. Things are a rollercoaster. I’m trying to process. It took a while for my wife (28F) and me to have any real conversation about the bruise on her neck. We were stuck between arguing and her showering our daughter (4F) and me with affection.

I rarely saw the bruise because she was turtlenecked up. But I did note the healing process from reddish purple to yellow. There wasn’t any more discussion about the Vegas retreat. She made it clear she was done talking about it and that she shouldn’t need to defend herself to her husband.

I told her she could do whatever she wanted, but I was done being treated like an idiot, and I wasn’t sharing a bed with someone I couldn’t trust. So I moved into the guest room. Communication stopped. The silences were palpable. Even our daughter noticed. I’m not proud of that. I try keeping her out of fights. My wife came to the guest room one night and asked if we could talk. I could tell she’d been crying.

She said she hated the way things were between us. She felt she was losing me either way. I told her I needed complete honesty. She confessed she hooked up with that coworker (23M) on our daughter’s birthday. The hickey was from him. She was lost in the heat of the moment and didn’t realize he was sucking so hard on her neck.

By her account, they made out while doing some on top of the clothes stuff and then he went down on her. It stopped there because he called her by a nickname that I affectionately call her. It snapped her back to the reality of her actions. She went to splash water on her face and saw the hickey. The guy made light of it and made a joke about the hickey being her souvenir.

She blew up on him and kicked him out of her suite. Part of the reason she was avoiding me was out of guilt. She said she’s coming clean because she doesn’t want to hide things anymore. I asked her why she cheated. What was it about that guy she deemed worth risking everything? She claimed it wasn’t him specifically, nor is she unhappy with our marriage.

She doesn’t really know how to explain it, but a part of her feels broken. The more she looks in the mirror, the more she sees her dad (57M). A cycle of being consumed with work, distant from child, and the infidelity he put her mom (55F) through. She said her family never talked about anything openly and how when she was growing up, my MIL never addressed anything with her.

I said her parents didn’t make her cheat. She chose to party up with a guy who constantly disrespected our relationship. These were all her decisions, and she at any point could’ve chosen our family. She agreed. She wants to blame her parents but realizes this is on her. She apologized for cheating and for entertaining the guy’s advances.

She said she’ll do whatever it takes to repair. Go to HR, quit her job, counseling, anything. She wants to make everything right. I told her I don’t know what right looks like or if that’s possible for us anymore. I knew we had our problems, but I thought there wasn’t anything we couldn’t talk out. She insisted we still could talk it out. We didn’t have to give up on us.

She tried giving this rally cry for our relationship, but I felt very numb. I said I didn’t recognize her. Not just the betrayal of our vows but also how she treated our daughter. She’s like a stranger. She feels she failed as a wife and mom, but she loves us both beyond words and wants our life together and our family intact.

I told her I couldn’t give her the answer she wanted and thought we needed to separate and reevaluate. She didn’t want separation. She felt we should stay together in our home, but I told her a separation was happening. Either she was leaving the home or I was with our daughter.

She consented to leaving so as to best not uproot our daughter so much. She asked for our daughter not to be taken away from her. My wife’s staying with my in-laws. I know that’s difficult in itself because she doesn’t have the best relationship with her parents. One of the hardest parts is the shift for our daughter. Right now, she believes her mom’s just busy with work per usual. She hasn’t questioned it too much.

My MIL called the other day. She made no excuses for my wife, but she’s advocating for us to work through it. She told me times when she heard my wife describe me as the anchor she always wanted. She believes there’s something worth fighting for if I’m open. Despite some family opposition we faced throughout our relationship, my MIL was always a supporter of us.

I’m even more at a loss. I never imagined this kind of betrayal from my wife. She was my safe place. I feel numb yet broken. I’m in love with her. That hasn’t changed. But I don’t see myself, her, our relationship, or our family the same. Everything’s more tense because it’s fresh. I think this period of separation is for the best. I’m not sure about divorce. I haven’t let myself fully go there. I’m not set either way.

I don’t know where things go from here, but I’m focusing on our daughter and taking things one step at a time. I feel that’s all I can do right now. Thanks again to everyone for the support. It’s much appreciated.

The internet continued to offer up support.

TogarSucks wrote:

It was already established that there had been line crossing with the coworker prior to the trip, even if it wasn’t physical yet. But even if there hadn’t been, I’ve known co-worker’s pet names for their significant others before when only interacting with them on a professional level.

The fact that the guy both intentionally gave her a hickey and used the pet name says a whole hell of a lot about him, though. Someone willing to engage in an affair is bad enough. This guy was doing it as some kind of sick power play.

HonShotF1rst226 responded:

It’s also possible it’s something super common like honey or baby.

OP responded:

No, it’s a specific nickname. It’s not derived from her name or anything. It just summed up things I loved about her in one word. Apparently he turned it into a s#$ual context.

Rightomate_kiwi wrote:

One question, how close was the colleague to her to know her nick-name that you use? And why did she let him this close to her literally and figuratively.

OP responded:

At the time, I knew they had a friendship. She was asked to mentor him as he joined her department. So she took him under the wing and was supposed to be showing him the ropes. They would text and stuff and he would cross boundaries. His texts increasingly read like a guy fishing for an opportunity.

My wife shut the idea down as not even a factor for her and I chose to trust my wife because I never had a reason to doubt her before. As far as the nickname, it was something only I called her but it l wasn’t like a secret thing. I called her by it in front of others and our daughter. She claims the guy overheard me say it when she had me on speaker once and he asked her about it after.

Two weeks later, OP shared another update.

Thank you again to everyone. I (27M) couldn’t respond to every message, but everything’s appreciated. I wanted to provide an update. Things have been a little chaotic with the new status quo after my wife’s (28F) affair, but I’m taking everything one step at a time.

My wife and I explained the separation to our daughter (4F) in simple, concrete terms and reassured her that we both still love her without going into the reasons behind the separation.

Our daughter’s always been an observant kid, but I don’t think the separation has hit her yet. She doesn’t see the difference between her mom not being home and her usual busy with work. During visits, she’s more distant towards her mom and clings to me.

My wife attempted to play with her on this toy set, but our daughter wasn’t having it and shouted at her mom that she didn’t want to play with her. The disconnect between my daughter and wife hurts in a way I’m still processing. I knew my wife’s work/life balance took its toll. Pre-Vegas, we were supposed to be working on reconnecting, but just how fractured things are is a lot more apparent.

Our daughter interacts very little with her mom and becomes quiet around her like she does with strangers. I feel at her age we, as her parents, should be who she’s closest with and not this disconnected from her mom. Their dynamic is something I’ve been reflecting on. My main focus is making sure my daughter’s okay through all of this. As far as between my wife and me, she’s advocating for us to reconcile.

She’s expressed she wants to work on our marriage not solely for our daughter but because she loves me. Her rally cries for our relationship are still falling flat for me. I can’t give her what she wants right now. I told her I wished she would’ve given herself these rallies before cheating. She’s adamant about the affair timeline and what occurred with the coworker (23M).

They connected because she felt bad he wasn’t fitting in. He kept flirting and treating her like royalty. It started feeling good on the rougher workdays. They had an emotional affair even though she didn’t label it as such at the time. The EA turned physical during the retreat. She dissociated from her life back home while away in Vegas. She still swears they hooked up only once.

The hickey came from foreplay, and while giving her oral, he called her my nickname for her, which shook her out of it. She snapped at him about his immature attitude with the hickey and then kicked him out of her suite. She thought she could quietly end things and salvage our marriage. I asked her if she wore her wedding ring during sex with him. She confessed that she did. Knowing this hurts like hell.

To me, our wedding rings were a physical symbol of our love, commitment to our vows, and our bond. She tarnished our rings. I haven’t been able to wear mine. It never hurts any less. There are just new levels to the hurt. She admits to contributing to blurred lines. She’s now changed her number and claims to have cut contact with the coworker.

She reported the affair to HR. The company has suspended both of them while they investigate the extent to which the affair impacted the department. Coworker relations violate their policy, and it doesn’t look good for my wife in terms of power balance since she was the guy’s mentor. They’re also calling into question if she gave him favoritism.

Some have suggested I reach out to the coworker. I’ve considered it, but I’m not in a place to. I feel a lot of anger towards him. He knew exactly what he was doing with the hickey and nickname stunt. I wouldn’t get anything from him except trouble. He’s not worth it. I’m choosing to focus on my daughter.

I’ve chosen to pursue marriage counseling. This isn’t under the promise of reconciling but as an assist in working through this separation as healthy as possible for our daughter. I’m still numb in a lot of ways. I never thought this would be how my marriage and family turned out.

I’ve seen it happen to others. I’ve heard stories. I thought I knew what it was like. But it’s nothing compared to dealing with it yourself. I don’t feel like the same person anymore. I don’t know how everything will pan out. It’s an uphill battle, but I’m trying to show up to the battle. It’s the best I can do right now. Thank you to everyone who has reached out. I appreciate the support, really.

TL;DR Update for: My wife returned from a work retreat in Vegas with a hickey on her neck. She swears it’s a bug bite, but I’m not convinced. I only feel more strongly when I consider how distant and weird she was during the retreat. We’re stuck between arguing and her dousing our daughter and me with affection. I’m at a loss. I really need outside perspectives. How do I move forward?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

PokadotExpress wrote:

Man OP, this situation sucks.

"He knew exactly what he was doing with the hickey and nickname stunt."

It sounds like you're blaming him more than your spouse. This guy didn't violate anything that your wife didn't LET him do.

OP responded:

It’s not that I’m giving him more blame than my wife. It’s just I know his character through his actions. To brazenly give her a hickey and twist my nickname for her was a statement to me. There’s not a civil conversation to be had with someone who has no respect and is playing games.

davekayaus wrote:

The situation hasn't changed. Your wife lied to you, cheated on you, and made up a pathetic story to try and cover herself when things got too obvious.

Her cheating was not a mistake but a series of choices, lies, and deceptions.

The way you move forward is by seeing a divorce lawyer and proceeding down that path, There is no happiness left for you in this marriage. I'm sorry, but that's the reality.

interesTaccountant wrote:

Not going to lie, super surprised she reported it to work, which gives me some hope. She is willing to torpedo her career to be honest.

However you feel how you feel, and you’re handling this pretty well, making sure it’s about creating a positive environment for your kid. Marriage and personal counseling are helpful for us to learn how to communicate and ask ourselves how we want to feel.

ZeroZipZilchNadaNone wrote:

"They connected because she felt bad he wasn’t fitting in."

So her reaction to making him fit in was to have s#x with him?? What about the next time some guy doesn’t fit it, whether it’s in a work or social setting?

On your previous post, you said she blew off your daughter’s birthday, which is supposedly the day the hookup (?) happened. That means she intentionally rejected her child for her AP - ON the 4yo’s birthday. It wasn’t even a random day. She actually said something to the effect of “I don’t want to talk to you on your birthday sweetheart. I’d rather go bang my coworker.”

Obviously it wasn’t in those words but she had to know in her mind that’s what she was doing. Did she have to get off the phone so daughter wouldn’t hear or see what was happening while coworkers was lower than the webcam? (I know that’s extra sick but if she’d wanted to, she could’ve told coworker to leave or to come by later.) Good luck!

maARia wrote:

Focus on your daughter first and foremost. Did your wife say herself that she had an emotional affair before it became physical? So she knew what she was doing when she crossed all the limits one after the other is what she could lose.

She made the choice to ruin your relationship and the AP is not accountable to you in the end. It's your wife who protects her marriage and protects her family. She puts the AP in his place when he started to disrespect her marriage. She should have devoted all her energy to her daughter is yours her husband is not in his affair.

It's really unfortunate that the little one doesn't trust her own mother to be herself in her presence instead of making this trip she should have spent time with her family. Continue to stay strong and think about what is best for you whatever your decision is for your future I hope it will be the best for you.

Two weeks later, OP shared another update.

Thank you again to everyone who’s reached out. I (27M) wanted to provide an update. Things aren’t easy. I don’t expect them to be. I don’t regret the decision to separate. It was necessary. In many ways, I feel like my hand was forced with the betrayal and all the lies.

I’m still finding my footing. I don’t put people on pedestals, nor did I ever believe my wife’s (28F) and my relationship was perfect. I just didn’t think we’d end up like this after all this time together.

While HR were still conducting their investigation on my wife and the coworker (23M), my wife resigned. Apparently she received pushback. Some of the top brass were pulling for her to stay on. I wasn’t too surprised because she’s always been a “yes employee” who gets the job done. She worked with the company back as an intern in college.

She said she wants to prove that she’s taking every possible action in cutting ties with the guy. I don’t know what the investigation result was for him. I don’t care, tbh. It’s not a concern of mine. We’ve officially begun marriage counseling. It’s a new experience overall. I didn’t know what to expect.

We’re mostly discussing our relationship’s journey up to now, the affair, and what we want from counseling. My wife’s position on how the affair began remains consistent. She can’t really explain it precisely. She wasn’t unhappy with me, but a part of her feels broken. The undivided special attention became like a drug to her.

The convo kind of shifted to my in-laws (57M/55F), my wife’s family life, and the impact of my FIL’s infidelity. She believes she’s a reflection of her dad in how she is as both a parent and a spouse. As a parent, she tried convincing herself she was better than him by showering our daughter (4F) with gifts in light of her lacking presence.

As a spouse, she tried convincing herself she was better because the affair wasn’t physical pre-Vegas. She thought as long as they didn’t do anything physical, then she was better than her dad. That was something she told her affair partner while in Vegas actually. They could “hang out” as long as it didn’t turn physical.

I feel like she had so many chances to choose differently. To choose us and our family, but she tossed our daughter and myself to the train tracks. Our relationship wasn’t enough to stop her, our wedding rings weren’t enough, and our crying daughter wasn’t enough. She chose herself every time.

She was selfish. She mentions the nickname thing, making her snap back to reality as if it’s supposed to make me feel better. It doesn’t. I believe she only stopped at oral because she got off and had no more need to go further. I wasn’t on her mind. Telling me that I was is like trying to put a Band-Aid on a gunshot wound.

I didn’t plan to say half of everything I did, but there was no going back once the door was opened during my turn to talk. She agreed and said she has no excuse for her actions. It’s not her parents, it’s just her. She swore that she loves me and our daughter and wants to fight for our family.

I told her that the “I love you’s” felt hollow now. She shut out our daughter and myself to give an intimate part of herself to her coworker. She said she realizes how much larger than just the affair our problems are. She struggles connecting with our daughter and worries about messing her up, so she left the primary caretaking to me. She believes I’m better at it.

She said that there’s nothing she can say to change anything, but she wants to show change through her present actions. That’s some stuff we’ve dug through in counseling. We’re still in the early stages. But I believe it’s aiding in communication through separation, which is more healthy for our daughter.

Our therapist recommended individual counseling as a complement. It’s something I’m seriously researching for myself. Not much has changed with our daughter since the previous update. She still doesn’t feel there’s a difference between her mom being home or not. I’ve watched her go from talkative and playful to instantly completely silent when her mom came by.

I’ve scheduled her for play therapy. I don’t know what to expect from that either, but I’m hoping for the best. My main goal is being present for her.

I know I need to learn how to trust again in general. That’s shot right now. Pre-Vegas, I never had a reason to doubt my wife.

My trust was something she had as an irreplaceable partner. I’ve been betrayed before, but this one did a number in a way the others hadn’t. I’m trying to stay afloat and focus on what I have rather than what I lost. I can’t afford to get lost in myself. Thank you to everyone for the support and for sharing your own experiences. Talking about all this isn’t easy for me, but I appreciate the openness.

The comments kept coming.

Inner-Chef-1865 wrote:

You sound like someone who have processed a lot during not that many days. You also sound like someone who understands the importance of not rushing to decide. Your wife seem a bit emotionally.disabled to be honest but you already knew that. She also seem like someone who really wants to change. Only you know if it is worth it?

ethankeyboards wrote:

I think you are handling this very maturely. Your wife made very bad choices here, but on the other hand, resigning from a career that she has invested so much of herself in to focus on restoring her relationship with you is significant.

She seems to need to work on herself. The distance between her an your daughter is troubling. I hope counseling will help with this. Please update us. I'm hoping for the best for your family.

Lion_Lili wrote:

Thanks for the update, I think about your situation often. I’m relieved to see your daughter is mostly unaffected. Keep on keeping on for yourself. It’s hard but you’ll be better in the end. Growth is inevitable with all the work you’re putting forth.

Laylabird65 wrote:

My husband had an affair with a co-worker. It lasted about nine months before he came clean. It blew up our entire world. I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone. A month or two after he told me about the affair, whispering began at work.

It actually probably started sooner because they didn’t hide it very well. He found out they were planning on firing them after someone let him know it was being talked about. So he resigned. When he came home and told me I absolutely lost my shit. I was so angry.

And the anger is the worst part of the grieving process post D-day. I’ve never experienced anything like it before. I have never ever been someone to scream or yell, I grew up in an abusive household. I hate fighting. But the affair just brought out the worst in me. It’s unbelievable how much damage it does to you. I have been following your story since day one.

My heart goes out to you and your daughter. I am so sorry you are apart of this club. But I’m here to tell you that everything you are feeling is valid. All of it. What she did has nothing to do with how you are as a husband or father. She did this on her own. Be patient with yourself. It will take a lot of time to heal from this. And don’t let anyone tell you that you need to get over it. You take as long as you need to heal.

My marriage did survive the affair. It will be eight years in June and I am very glad that I stayed. But it was HARD. You can reconcile but it’s not for everyone. If things don’t work out, that’s okay. It takes a lot of courage to listen to your heart no matter what choice you make. Take care of yourself and your daughter.

Almost two weeks later, OP shared another update.

I (27M) wanted to provide an update on things. I don’t have much new to say about therapy in itself. I’m staying the course with marriage counseling, and my wife (28F) and I have both begun individual counseling. It’s an interesting experience and has given me an outlet. IC’s a nice complement to MC.

My wife’s keeping her therapy appointments. She’s journaling too. I’m surprised because journaling wasn’t something she’s ever really believed in. In MC, she said it’s helping her reflect. Our daughter (4F) has begun play therapy. We’re still in the early stages. She’s hesitant but coming around to it. Once she gets going, though, you can’t get the toys out of her hands.

It’s reassuring seeing her in an environment where she’s engaging and being more herself. It gives me hope that she’ll be ok through everything. The play therapist has been discussing when to best involve my wife. Nothing’s concrete yet. I also want to progress at a rate our daughter’s comfortable with and not force anything.

I’m really proud of her. She’s a major reason why I can’t regret being with my wife. There are a lot of things I’d tell my younger self, but if I’d chosen a different path, then I wouldn’t have my daughter. It’s something I wouldn’t change.

I had another major challenge recently. It was my wife’s and my anniversary. Our anniversary always meant something to me. Even with her terrible work/life balance, we’d make an effort to make the occasion special. I felt a lot of conflicting emotions about our anniversary this year. Mostly pain.

We had plans. Everything was booked and set pre-Vegas retreat. Needless to say, the trip was canceled. My wife wanted to keep our plans intact. I told her that wasn’t happening. Without the trip, she said she still wanted us to spend our official anniversary together instead of separately. I turned her down.

We discussed it in therapy. I expressed I didn’t have the needed trust in her to let myself be vulnerable with her as I once was. I needed to process the anniversary on my own. The anniversary had me having all these strange thoughts. A lot of it highlighted how much I miss my friend and partner. I’m not talking about reconciliation. I’m not entertaining that right now.

I’m talking about something deeper. To share a life with someone and everything that entails, them being your partner and closest friend, and then having what you devoted yourself to yanked away. I can’t be with her in all the ways I wanted.

Call it simping. Call it foolish. Call it a doormat.

Call it whatever you want. I just call it the facts of falling in love and giving them your all for a long time, then finding out they had another life, and losing what you held close. It hurts, and I hadn’t let myself actually feel it until then. I feel like everything moves on. Life moves on. My wife’s affair partner (23M) moves on. Work moves on. And here I am. I’m the one who’s living the loss. I’m the one who’s paying.

I also wanted to address an FAQ. I’ve been asked a lot about what I meant in my first post about the cultural differences and family opposition my wife and I faced. We’re an interracial couple. My wife’s Korean. We’re both minorities, but my FIL (57M) and his side of the family wanted my wife to settle down with someone who’s Korean. They’re conservative in their beliefs.

So I wasn’t exactly welcomed, and we dealt with opposition from that angle. It was rough. Even at our wedding, my FIL was more a silent attendee.

Because of my wife and FIL’s strained relationship, she was firm that she didn’t care about his approval.

She rejected him walking her down the aisle, which, of course, didn’t help their relationship. My wife made her own choice. I had nothing to do with it, but anger was thrown at me. My FIL took it as I influenced her against him, and his side of the family said my wife wasn’t being a good daughter.

Things with my FIL didn’t really mend until our daughter. He mellowed after becoming a grandpa and became receptive toward me. Despite our past, he’s doting as a grandparent. My MIL’s (55F) a different story. She’s always been welcoming and supportive of our relationship. Her support made a difference. She’s been like a mother to me.

I’m realizing more and more the rippling effects of an affair. How much it just takes and takes and consumes. The different facets to the loss. I lost not only the life I chose but also family and friends. Just keep losing. That’s pretty much all there is to update about. Thank you to everyone for the support. Even if I couldn’t respond, just know everything is much appreciated. It means a great deal.

TL;DR: My wife returned from a work retreat in Vegas with a hickey on her neck. She swears it’s a bug bite, but I’m not convinced. I only feel more strongly when I consider how distant and weird she was during the retreat. We’re stuck between arguing and her dousing our daughter and me with affection. I’m at a loss. I really need outside perspectives. How do I move forward?

The internet continued to share their feedback.

Beachdog1234 wrote:

Still feels like you are getting trickled. Hate to say it, but I have a hard time believing they didn’t consummate the affair beyond what you shared (oral). You continue to bring all these things into the fold and none of it really matters- her parents, her job, etc. She’s really done nothing to commit to you. Even the excuse of quitting her jobs seems weak. They can’t force her to stay, especially with her marriage on the line.

star_gazing_girl wrote:

Thank you for continuing to share. I'm so glad to hear everyone is in therapy. Good for you for setting and keeping your boundaries. Your FIL reminds me of my father, only in the way you talk about your daughter. My father has (thankfully) always been a big softie, but now that my little niece is here, he's full girlgrandad, and it fills my heart so much. May you all continue healing ❤️

Taiwanbandit wrote:

The best part of this update is your daughter's play therapy. Well done on the that end. As for FIL, what does he think of his precious daughter now? Or does he blame her cheating on you. Keep moving forward OP. No one wants to be here, but we support each other the best we can. Take care OP. Thanks for the update.

IfIwerenyourshoes wrote:

OP as long as your wife is not pressuring you to forgive and move on. Don’t make any decisions and keep Working through what you want. When I give the advice it is to deal with the affair straight on. After this, those decisions are yours and yours alone.

So take your time, I think some people can change and for the better. If she is taking the necessary steps to make the changes she needs to make. The eventual question is would you regret leaving if she made the changes and became the wife you always wanted and dreamed of? I am not looking for an answer, just a thought for you.

Two weeks later, OP shared another update.

I wanted to address what I couldn't reply to and give an update.

Play therapy's a learning curve. My daughter (4F) is still hesitant, but she's getting more used to the therapist. I think the current pace we've set works.

I'm letting her be in the moment and allowing that to guide what she's ready for. I don't want to force anything. My wife (28F) is now being included in PT. The focus so far is letting her and our daughter engage together in playful activities guided by the therapist and addressing behavioral and emotional challenges and improving communication.

Something we're tackling is feelings charade. I've never done it before. Our daughter usually communicates with me on her own, but she struggles with wording certain emotions. It's completely understandable; she's only 4. My hope is these exercises will only benefit her.

My wife's inclusion hasn't been progressive, tbh. We're still in the early stages. Idk, our daughter really clams up around her. She's ok with my wife being in the room, but she's not very receptive otherwise.

Recently for play therapy, my daughter made a drawing of our family.

It was mostly stick figures, but she had her own little style to it and indicators of who was who. It was adorable but also bittersweet. The drawing included herself, me, and her grandparents, but not her mom. My wife was nowhere to be found. When asked where her mom was, my daughter's exact words were "Umma's never around" and "Umma's mean."

"Mean" is typically how our daughter communicates that someone's hurt her or someone else. She called her mom mean when my wife broke her FaceTime birthday promise during the Vegas retreat. She said it before my wife hung up.

There was another time around the holidays she called my wife mean.

My daughter was assisting me with baking, and she got really excited and cheering. My wife was supposed to join us, but she didn't and took a work call. She raised her voice at our daughter as she told her to quiet down. I didn't like the tone my wife took with our daughter. She was just excited and wanted to help, and it was supposed to be family time.

My wife was the one who took a work call in the same room without warning anyone. We argued later, but it was resolved, and she apologized to our daughter. Being left out of the drawing bothered my wife. She's expressed that she overthinks and doesn't believe she's good at connecting with our daughter. She feels our daughter prefers me over her.

The whole incident struck another chord with me. I've been mulling it over. We've discussed it in MC and, for me, in IC.

It hurts to see how fractured things are between my daughter and my wife.

Despite my wife's infidelity, I don't take pleasure in a suffering relationship. I'm not rooting against her. I want their relationship to be okay. I believe my daughter needs her mom too. Am I wrong in thinking that there are things a daughter will want to talk with her mom about or to share specifically with her mom even if the other parent is involved?

Part of me feels responsible for their lack of relationship. Like I should've stepped in sooner. I never realized how bad things were. Before, I held onto the promise of just one more work project, and then my wife would be involved more, and how we were still a family. The affair changed my outlook.

Idk when exactly things went off course. Having kids was something we both wanted. It wasn't a singular convo but one we revisited over the years. We actually wanted more kids. Pre-affair we had discussions, but I had put that potential on hold because it was clear we needed to reconnect as the family unit already present.

I saw and felt the love and care my wife had for our daughter during the pregnancy. It was palpable. I always thought our daughter was evidence of the bond we shared.

My wife's maternity leave ended shortly after she gave birth, and she resumed work full-time at the office.

I would say there was a noticeable change then, and the disconnect grew from there. I just feel like somewhere along the line I let my daughter down and perhaps was also blinded by my love for my wife. I'm at a complete loss. I feel their relationship falls on me. The play therapist said we can only take it one step at a time.

I've been frequently asked about our daughter picking up on the rift between my wife and me and whether we've fought in front of her. I wanted to address that here. My wife and I have had our fights, but I can't say we've fought in front of our daughter. We'd usually pause and revisit if our daughter was around and not let it reflect in front of her.

After the affair, I haven't badmouthed my wife to our daughter. I try explaining the separation and addressing any question in simple ways without throwing stuff on her or my personal feelings. I'm really trying. I want the best for my daughter. I don't want my wife's affair to take any more from our daughter than it already has. It hurts like hell, but I can deal.

But my daughter is only a kid. Idk how my MIL (55F) did it, and I don't believe it's something I can ask her. I wanted to thank everyone again for the support. It means a lot. Hearing your experiences means something. I think there's hope to be found in it. I appreciate everything.

The comments kept coming.

BeautifulTerm3753 wrote:

Is your wife trying to build a relationship with your daughter? This is just so sad.

OP responded:

They have spent more time together than previously but some times I observed was awkward silence or our daughter mostly playing with my in-laws.

Electrical-Theory375 wrote:

Has your wife moved back in or are you still separated? is it possible that the relationship between your wife and your daughter might improve if you were all living in the same house...that is , of course, if you are contemplating reconciliation.

OP responded:

We're still separated. I honestly don't know if there would be any improvement. There wasn't much when we all were under the same roof. My daughter does have allotted time with her mom throughout the week.

plzkevindonthuerter wrote:

This is one of those posts that I hope isn’t real. If I remember correctly, op’s wife ghosted them on the daughters birthday, tried to lie about the hickey, then said that her ap only went down on her and she made him stop because he called her a pet name that she uses for op and that made her realize what she was doing was wrong.

OP, have some self respect. If her AP didn’t drop her like a bad habit, do you think she would have come grovelling back to you and your daughter? Every update I read it gets worse, op just keeps trying to blame himself for what happened. I hope this is just a creative writing exercise.

OP responded:

Well, I wish it was just bad dream. I'm not blaming myself for my wife's actions nor in any other post did I hold myself accountable for it. I was reflecting that I wished I would've been more proactive on my daughter's side of things sooner.