'My wife said something strange about her ex, and it's really getting to me.' MAJOR UPDATE

"My wife said something strange about her ex, and it's really getting to me (I'm 31M, she's 31F)."

My wife and I have been married for 4 years. I will call her Abby. We love each other, have a great marriage, and are talking about having kids soon. I really don't have any complaints. BUT, before Abby met me, she was with a guy, Brock, for two years.

She said she was madly in love with him but had to leave him because he was verbally toxic. Shortly after she left Brock, she met me, and the rest is history. I thought it went without saying that Abby had forgotten about Brock. However, there have been some odd things that she has said about him that make me nervous, or even a little jealous.

She once told me that Brock was so good looking that she had a hard time making eye contact. This was in the context of a conversation about why she put up with his mistreatment for so long. And when I replayed what she said...she's never said that I was too good looking to look at.

It's almost like she said Brock was more attractive, and it hurt. I didn't bring this up though because she sometimes gets upset when I mention Brock. There's also been a few times where she mentioned something that Brock used to do, and she's have this wistful look on her face, almost like she was still enamored with him. This wasn't 100% clear though and it didn't happen often so I let it slide.

I have told Abby in the past that I felt a little jealous because Brock seemed like a more attractive man than me, but she assured me that she didn't think of him that way and that she loved me. All this being said, my wife said something a bit odd about Brock two nights ago, and it's been messing with my head.

We were sitting on the couch watching Netflix, and Abby had been drinking a bit. We somehow got on the subject of feet, and how we both thought feet were gross and didn't understand why some people liked feet. I held my bare foot up and said something like "can you imagine someone liking my feet, I have gross feet."

Abby laughed and agreed that my feet were gross. (This wasn't particularly hurtful, her tone was playful.)

Then after a few seconds, Abby said "The only person's feet I would ever consider attractive is Brock's feet. He had the most beautiful feet."

As you can imagine, this killed the conversation, but Abby didn't seem to notice. She was staring off into space. I just went back to watching TV. The next morning, when we woke up, she acted like nothing happened. And maybe she really didn't remember, because she was drunk, and it was an offhand remark.

But it's been bugging me for the past couple of days. Not just because it was about Brock, but because my feet were ugly, then said his were beautiful. Maybe it's silly but it made me feel really insecure and jealous. Abby has noticed that something is off about me. She asked earlier this morning if something is wrong. I denied it, but...I don't think I can just forget about this like I want to.

I'm thinking I will need to sit down with her and talk about the Brock situation. We are cooped up together for the next two weeks at least so that makes things complicated, it's not like one of us can leave if the conversation goes sour. And I hope it doesn't come to that. But...any advice on how to broach this subject? Should I broach it at all?

The internet had a lot to share in response.

damnedifyoudo_throw wrote:

So just throwing this out there: I'm a survivor of an emotionally toxic relationship, too. And honestly, the highs when you are being hurt are higher than the highs you get in a healthy relationship - because you're on edge, your adrenaline is going nuts, and you're trauma bonding with the person who's hurting you.

It's really, really easy to think that you've never been loved or will never love someone like you love your manipulator, because the adrenaline rush of the highs and lows is so powerful.

The thing your wife might not realize yet is that those highs are part of the abuse. They're deceptive. They aren't "crazy love" or "once in a lifetime love," they're the way your brain is trying to protect itself from the trauma. Brock is probably okay-looking, but when you're in survival mode and your whole sense of self-worth depends on this person, your brain decides he looks AMAZING. It's a trap. It's part of the cycle.

My guess is your wife has a lot of unresolved trauma that's manifesting as wistfulness for those intense feelings. She needs a counselor who specializes in recovering from trauma who can help her recognize those feelings as manipulation, not love. Brock is probably not that hot. Don't worry about that. But your wife's brain thinks he is because that's how her brain coped. She needs help to get past that.

Tairn79 wrote:

"Abby, I would really appreciate it if you would stop comparing me to Brock."

If she asks what brought this up, tell her how the conversation made you feel. What she said and explain to her that it's pretty obvious those comments would make you feel.

John25711 wrote:

Exactly this. The best way is a simple non-extreme measure, just express your feeling in a calm manner pointing out the obvious so she can understand the point of view. Then move on, don't be too judgmental. Then if she still compare you or mention Brock then it means she is immature and you'll see what's your next move.

FloptimusCrime8 wrote:

I’ve dated men who were physically more attractive than my SO, I would never tell him that because it’s irrelevant and potentially hurtful information. I would hate if he talked about any of his exes the way your wife is talking about hers. You should bring this up to her and be straightforward about it.

OP responded:

I know I'm not a very good looking guy. I accept that. But it's still incredibly hurtful to be basically told that I'm not as attractive as an ex. Especially when it's the same ex over and over. I would never compare Abby to my exes. Though I make a mental effort not to compare her to past relationships. It's incredibly hurtful, honestly.

tuff_gong wrote:

Each if my exes had positive qualities. Why would I bring them up to my wife?

MatherGrouse wrote:

At some point you will have to accept that you don't have good feet. Tell her to quit talking about Brock.

trudybootylicious wrote:

This. Tell her to shut up about Brock. You don't want to hear it. Maybe hold off on those kids for a bit too. If she's still got a thing for her ex you should not have children.

OP responded:

This is kind of my concern. I don't think she's fully let go of Brock.

Three days later, OP shared an update.

First of all, I wanted to thank everyone who responded yesterday.

Unfortunately I did receive a bit of bizarre advice-- a number of users called my wife an "alpha widow," still others told me to divorce her immediately because she MUST be cheating. I had a few users calling my wife names.

This was a sobering reminder that anonymous internet people don't understand the nuances of my marriage, and people tend to project their own insecurities onto other people's situations. So I'd advise anyone considering posting here-- use discretion in what advice you take.

(Just to get ahead of some of the speculation, Brock has lived in South Korea for two years, he is prohibited by a court order from contacting Abby, and I have open access to her DMs anyway. If she were cheating, I'd be the first to know.) I also received some great advice about "trauma bonding" and recovering from abusive exes. These responses were the most helpful.

All this said, here's what I posted about that night: I was sitting on the bed last night, just kind of brooding, when Abby came in. She sat on the bed next to me and looked at me. She must have known something was up because I haven't been myself these last few days and our bedroom has been dead since the feet comment.

Abby asked me if everything was okay. I gave her a weary smile and said no, I suppose not. She frowned and asked if we could talk about it. I sighed heavily and was quiet for a few moments. Abby didn't look nervous or defensive, she looked genuinely concerned. So I figured she must not be aware of how hurtful her Brock comments have been, and I should just be honest.

I started by asking if she was willing to be 100% honest with me. She said that she was. So then I asked if she's happy being married to me, and if she'd prefer being with someone else instead. She seemed a little taken aback by the question and said she would never dream of marrying someone else.

My voice was shaking the whole time and Abby looked like she was ready to cry, too. Finally I lay everything out. I tell Abby that a few nights ago, we were talking about feet, and she had said that my feet were gross, but Brock's feet were "beautiful." I said maybe it sounds really silly and dumb but that comment made me feel really ugly and it broke my heart.

(She gasped and started crying at this point.) I said there's been a few other times where she mentioned Brock and acted like she really missed him, because she sounded enamored when she talked about him. I said I think that Brock was probably a lot more attractive than me and she would have preferred staying with him over me.

Abby cried for long time before she was able to say anything. It was probably only two minutes but it felt like forever. She said she didn't realize that she was mentioning Brock that way and upsetting me so much. She said she couldn't imagine marrying anyone else but me.

I said "Even though I'm uglier than Brock?" and she started crying again, like really bawling. After she pulled herself together again she admitted that Brock was a very attractive man, and that she had been infatuated with him. (It seemed extremely difficult for her to get those words out.) But Brock had also been controlling and incredibly cruel.

She never felt safe or at ease with him, but she did feel safe with me. She said she had married ME, and wanted children with ME, and that she had never even dreamed of marrying Brock, let alone having kids with him. Then we talked about some deeper more personal stuff that I'd rather not go into here..

I did mention some of the trauma bonding stuff that some commenters had mentioned last night, and Abby admitted that she had felt addicted to the drama while she was with Brock. She agreed to talk with her counselor about her unresolved issues with that past relationship. The conversation took well over an hour and we both cried a lot.

But I did feel much better afterwards. We cuddled for a while before I joked that I guess Abby was stuck with my nasty feet for life. She took my head in her hands and said she thought I had the most beautiful feet in the world, because they were mine. We made out and made love for the first time in a week. Maybe that's TMI but I figured a lot of folks here would appreciate a happy ending.

So, I guess the issue is largely settled. I do think that maybe I overreacted a little, but my feelings at being (inadvertently) made to feel less attractive were real. I'm glad I didn't second guess my emotions and suppress them. Thank you to everyone who offered advice in the original thread. It seems the situation has been resolved.

Edit: Though I will add that I still feel a little sad that I am not as attractive as Abby's ex. Not because I'm jealous but because I want to be the best she's ever had in every way, including physically. But I guess I simply have to make peace with the fact that I'm not the most attractive guy Abby has been with. I suppose a lot of us have to make peace with that, huh?

The commenters continued to share their thoughts.

Vuriosu wrote:

Holy smokes this is such a great update. You both handled it really well, I'm glad nothing bad came of it. I hope that things will continue to go smoothly for you two for the rest of your days together. I think it's amazing that you both were able to tell each other what's wrong, express emotions, and make joke of it afterwards etc.

You don't need to be the best in every way for her, because in the end she is very happy with you and she is choosing you over anyone else despite any imperfections you got and that's possibly the best there already is.

OP responded:

I am extremely lucky to have my wife. She is a very emotionally intelligent woman.

[deleted] wrote:

Just wanted to say, Brock's toxic behavior may very well have had a hand in convincing her he was perfect/flawless/ultimate. A toxic ex of mine did this, and when I saw a picture of him years later I physically shuddered at how unattracted I was to him.

It was surprising. you're a strong soul, and a beautiful one. You are more than enough for any one to love and cherish, and it sounds like she's realized she may have dropped the ball on the cherishing part. Good for you for having the courage to share insecurities, and good on her for hearing you. Best of luck to you both, friend.

puka0804 wrote:

Well. Who cares about looks if you’re the best in every other possible way. For me, my ex’s probably aren’t the best looking to most. But I don’t love someone for looks. But their looks definitely grow on me and I see zero faults in how they look. Your personality will ALWAYS be better than Brocks beautiful feet(insert gag here)

Zay_Luph wrote:

I'm glad you didn't jump straight to divorce like Reddit often encourages.

killahkrysti wrote:

Look, here's how I view it. I felt the same about my ex, he's definitely attractive, but I did have more attractive exes. When he would bring up his physical flaws I would say its like when a parent gets a kid's first art project. It may not be perfect, but when it comes from your kid you'd rather have that over the Mona Lisa any day, its the most beautiful piece of art in the world. People are like that too.

Maybe you could go to therapy too, it's a bit toxic and an unrealistic expectation to be the best at EVERYTHING in your wife's life and that probably puts a lot of stress on her if she can't be honest or needs to feed your ego.