'My wife shared a tent with a college fling on a recent camping trip. How do I respond?' UPDATED

No long-term relationship with thrive without a solid foundation of honesty.

"My (M30) wife (F28) shared a tent with a college fling (F28) on a recent camping trip back home. How should I respond to this?"

My wife and I have been married for a couple years now. I knew that back in college she had one experience with another girl. We'll call this girl Katie. This came after a break up. The two of them had gotten hIgh while watching Netflix and one thing led to another. She told me that she really enjoyed the experience, but it had never happened again with her or any other ladies.

I do have reason to suspect from our personal s#x life that she is still s#xually attracted to women. Recently, my wife visited her hometown to see friends and family. I couldn't go due to work commitments. Over the weekend, she went camping with some old friends. Apparently, Katie was there. My wife claims she didn't know this would happen. Okay, fine.

They camp for one night and my wife comes home a few days later. As we talk about the trip, it slips out that my wife wasn't able to find her old camping gear. Okay, so who's tent did she use? It comes out that she ended up sharing a tent with Katie, a one-person tent.

She claims nothing happened, but I'm highly skeptical now. The whole thing just reeks to me. I don't really have any evidence at this point, but I'm tempted to go through her phone when I get the chance. How should I proceed?

Commenters had a lot to say about the situation.

potenttechnicality wrote:

I'd bring up the fact that she shared a one person tent with someone she has slept with in the past. That's a horrible choice and she doesn't get a pass because they're both women.

Bill2550 wrote:

Sounds like the trickle truth is beginning. She couldn’t find her camping gear and gosh darn so lucky Katie was there to share hers! Did they get high together? Did they cuddle? Kiss? If you grill her a little and she admits to more of it, then borrow her phone and posing as her send Katie a text “what was your favorite part of camping together?”

Then tell her to sit with you until Katie responds. Then also tell her this is her last chance to tell you the full truth. How exactly do you think SHE would feel if you spent the night in a one man tent with a woman YOU had a ONS with? Just because they are same s#x doesn’t make it ok. Unless you’re ok with it. “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”

thatsthatdude2u wrote:

Sounds premeditated and they were intimate and not by accident. "Oh f#$k I forgot my tent!" Not buying it.

SavageComic wrote:

I’d sit her down for a conversation. Part of the thing of people trusting you to do things is not giving them the reason to mistrust you in the first place. I let people cook in my kitchen that I trust not to set fire to the deep fryer or run me through with a filleting knife because they’ve never shown signs around this.

It’s weighing on you. That’s fine. A one and done conversation where she promises to tell you the whole truth if you don’t bring it up again should be doable. She doesn’t trickle truth. You don’t stew on this for a decade and bring it up when you’re pissed off about who does the dishes. You don’t go out and have a revenge f#$k with an ex or try and flirt with someone .

mcmsuwillow wrote:

Sorry OP but I have to agree with some others here. Would she be ok with you sharing a one person tent (basically on top of each other all night) with one of your former lovers or even a ONS who she knew you really enjoyed the s$x with? This is very sus to me. I would definitely question her more on it. Let the trickle truth begin…

Two days later, OP shared another update.

UPDATE: Ended up talking with one of our mutual friends who went on the trip. She confirmed my suspicions, saying that my wife and Katie were acting weird and even sneaking off together at times. Used this information to confront my wife and she eventually caved and let me see her phone.

Went through her texts with Katie to see that they'd been texting and flirting for the past few weeks, even sending each other provocative selfies and reminiscing about what happened on the camping trip. I was able to send most of these messages to my computer in case it's needed for divorce proceedings. I appreciate everyone's time and advice. It's a sh#$ty situation, but I'm glad to be moving forward.

The internet offered comforting words to OP.

banatage wrote:

Time to rip the band aid off. Two years is nothing and you are still young. She lied and lied again, trust is gone. No kids ? Get a lawyer and file.

Corfiz74 wrote:

This would be my advice, as well. Do you really want to spend the next few decades always wondering what she is up to, and getting paranoid whenever she is late? And you have the added stress of having to worry about male AND female friends. I'd nope out of that before you become neurotic and bitter.

k_ajay_mh wrote:

Yea don't look back. You deserve to be with someone who mutually loves and respects you.

lovelynutz wrote:

Sorry bro,

I’m rooting for you.

PoweredbyBurgerz wrote:

Yes divorce. Literally had this same thing happen to me with an ex I dated, but the past fling was a dude and the camping trip was supposed to be a solo adventure for her. Don’t tolerate this breach of trust in your relationship they will only continue to break your trust from here on.

neenerface wrote:

All I’m gonna say is- if I were EVER in a situation with someone I had a history with, I would immediate remove myself from it out of respect for my BF. I never would be in a situation like that though…probably because I’m loyal and seeing from your update, she wasn’t. I’m sorry and I hope whatever you do next works out for you.

TacoStrong wrote:

Wow, well that was my first assumption (in your original post) that "this was planned". So glad you caught onto her sooner rather than later and are proceeding with divorce. This is the way Best of luck OP!

EnchantedOwlet wrote:

Yes, me too. It really really is very difficult to forget your tent when you're going camping. It's not like your toothbrush or something, that you might or might not have packed. It's both the main thing and a huge thing.

Like going surfing and once you're at the waters edge you're like "Doh... Forgot my surf board. I knew I was forgetting something!"

Like, was that the best lie she could come up with? Utter failure to remember what activity she was doing?

While this ended unfortunately, the clarity at least gives OP a clear path forward.