'AITA for divorcing after finding evidence of cheating on my son's iPad?' UPDATED x4
"AITA for divorcing after finding evidence of cheating on my son's iPad?"
I'll get straight to the point but I (29M from UK) have been with my wife (29F from UK) have been together for 13 years since college days but have been married for 5 years, we have a 9 year old son and 2 years ago, my wife bought him a iPad, little did I know that device would cause the end of my marriage.
My wife has never been overly attached or secretive about her messages when I'm around. We've shared our passwords as a sign of trust, so I never had any reason to suspect her of cheating.
My son asked me to buy him Minecraft so I said sure so I went onto App Store and in the today tab, there was section called iPad essentials and Snapchat was there. I thought it was strange for an 8 year old to have Snapchat, I asked my son why he has Snapchat however he didn't know what Snapchat is, maybe he accidentally downloaded it?
Curiosity struck me so I opened Snapchat and I think you can guess the rest, my wife made a Snapchat account which is 1 and a half years old on my son's iPad and had one guy added who we will call him J because it rhymes with his actual name.
Regrettably, I lack concrete evidence of their explicit communication, all I have evidence is J on my son's iPad plus the fact that Snapchat's messages and images vanish within 24 hours. Contemplating the notion of impersonating my wife and reaching out to J on Snapchat briefly crossed my mind.
However, I swiftly discarded the idea, wary that my wife might have J listed in her contacts on her iPhone. Such an action could potentially raise suspicion on why she would be simultaneously messaging him from two separate devices.
Despite this, I opted to leave the Snapchat app and remove any traces that I opened it. Moving forward I downloaded Minecraft onto my son's iPad. Following that, I took a moment to peruse my wife's Instagram, searching for any traces of connection with J, but found none. However, a different story unfolded on Facebook, where I uncovered that she indeed followed him.
Thankfully, his profile was publicly accessible, affording me a glimpse into his life and how it can assist my nuclear option. Notably, his online presence featured images suggestive of a wife and two children.
Furthermore, it appeared that his primary hobby revolved around hiking, evident from the catalogue of pictures captured amidst his various hikes . In case I wanted to go nuclear, I found his wife and his parents Facebook profiles.
I need help for an endgame plan, do I go completely nuclear and be a complete a%@&ole and try and ruin my wife and J life by exposing them to everyone, I studied sociology and psychology for A-Levels years ago and I don't want to create a toxic environment for my son so what should be done?
OP gave a small update:
A user recommended me to search Snapchat memories and there is the evidence I desperately needed, my wife sending nude pics to J, I am genuinely disgusted that my son could have accidentally come across these pictures and I'm practically finished with this marriage.
OP then provided a bigger update.
Before I continue with this update I will like to clarify 2 minor points. Firstly, I'm from the UK and of course the education system isn't the same as the US education system, some Americans was confused as to why I spent 2 years in college and to simply put it, college in the UK is basically high school in the US.
You spend 2 years in college before deciding whether you want to go into employment, do an apprenticeship or go to university. The world doesn't revolve around the Unites States. Secondly, someone asked why I didn't show any kind of heartbreak or upset and to answer this question, I felt more anger hence why I want a nuclear approach, however I need to plan ahead.
Moving on to the update: following a recommendation, I decided to view my son's screen time activity. Upon review, I discovered that, on average, she spent approximately 20 minutes per day on Snapchat, according to data available up to March 4th. However, it's worth noting that screen time statistics may not be 100% accurate.
Another person recommended that I acquire the services of a private investigator, and thus, I followed through with their suggestion. Although it entails a significant financial investment, I am hopeful that the investigator will provide vital evidence to prove my wife's infidelity, which I intend to present to legal counsel upon initiating divorce proceedings.
Also it's worth noting that UK justice system doesn't really care about infidelity when it comes to divorce however, I want primary custody of my son so adultery will be considered. Finally someone else told me to see if J is on my wife contacts on her phone but unfortunately I haven't had the time to go through her phone. In preparation, I've drafted 2 plans which I could use against my wife:
Plan 1- going fully nuclear, showing evidence to everyone of my wife's infidelity, even showing proof of J's infidelity to his family (Also worth noting, regardless of which plan I choose, I will tell J's wife the truth as she deserves to know the kind of homewrecker her husband is).
Plan 2- threatening to go nuclear: with hopefully the vital evidence provided by the private investigator, I can threaten my wife with the evidence I've obtained and persuade her to not contest the divorce and let me have full or primary custody otherwise I will go 'scorched earth'
OP provided another update:
First, I want primary custody for my son for 2 reason; firstly, my wife works more hours than me as her job is way more demanding than mine and I take care of my son more and secondly, I'm horrified by the fact that her nude pictures were on my son's iPad.
Overall, I believe he will have a healthier life staying with me. I also never intended on taking my child away from his mother but nonetheless she caused the family to collapse by failing to keep her legs closed.
Second, someone suggested that she could be having an affair with a co-worker so I've arranged a meeting with her colleague who I consider a friend. Third, I've concluded I'm going to take the less nuclear approach but with a few minor adjustments.
Finally, and with significance, I felt inclined to postpone contacting lawyer initially as I wanted concrete evidence from the private investigator. However, upon receiving numerous recommendations from the community, I gave in to their advice and sought legal counsel. I've come to realise It's key for me to stay several steps ahead of my wife, considering the possibility of her initiating divorce proceedings.
I will talk about why I'm not a fan of therapy and the simple answer is, my therapist didn't care for me at all, during adulthood and childhood, my father cheated on my mother multiple times (somehow they are still together to this day).
Of course, therapy and psychology have advanced since I last had a session, but I just deeply remember explaining my issues to my therapist and she replied in a apathethic tone 'anything else' and ended the session.
I feel like I'm traumatised by these words. I have rarely expressed my issues to people until I made this post and from my experience thus the advice I've been given, I feel like I've been treated better by the internet then actual therapists, which sounds crazy to say.
Now onto how life has been for me, honestly I've been struggling to hide my frustration and disgust, yesterday we got intimate because I've been acting like everything is normal. She knows I would never turn down intimacy and I genuinely felt sick.
I have no evidence my wife or J's affair turned physical but the mere concept of my wife opening her legs to another man frightens me, she questioned my peculiar behavior, but I just joked that my Johnnie isn't working and she laughed.
We left it at that, but I genuinely felt humiliated and I think I'm a massive a^#%ole for forcing myself to do this act. My wife could be laughing about this with J and I'm just struggling to accept what life has become.
I've also been overthinking; what if my son isn't mine, what if this affair has been going on for a long time and I've been too oblivious to recognise the red flags because I firmly held onto the idea that my marriage had no flaws. I'm sorry if this post felt like a rant but I would appreciate advice on how I can hold on while knowing that my wife is having an affair.
OP provided another update:
I was advised to do a paternity test so 2 days ago, my son did a paternity test and I was extremely confident he was mine, but fate is cruel and unfortunately he's not my son, he could be J's son. I still haven't told him the truth nor have I confronted my wife about it, but I believe she had caught wind of it.
I kinda just want my son to forget me and bow out by going nuclear and ruining my wife's life not physically, but through showing her family and friends; pictures of her infidelity and proof my son isn't mine and make her suffer. I'm going insane but damn this whole situation has screwed me up.
A part of me doesn't want to give up on this and live a new life, I love my son dearly but knowing that the past 9 years have been a lie really breaks me apart, even just by looking at him.
Maybe after obtaining evidence from my private investigator I might let the witch know I'm aware of the affair and my son's paternity. I will divorce her and request to give up my parental rights so that my son meets his true father and grows up hating the witch.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Go scorched earth.
Sincerely, a woman who doesn’t play.
Tell his wife. She deserves to know.
Please keep in mind that these other children are innocent as you own. I have no problem with contacting his wife, but looking up a way to reach the kids is too much. They don't deserve to hear about this outside their families first, or to hear first hand your account. Offer his wife the opportunity to handle her own family first.
OP added this after reading the comments:
From the bottom of my heart thank you for this advice, it's 12:58 so my son and wife asleep and I logged onto and I see saved memories on Snapchat of my wife sharing explicit and I genuinely feel disgusted that my son could have accidentally went on Snapchat and see his mum nudes, I'm definitely going 'scorched earth' as someone mentioned now.