'AITA for being upset my wife announced today (Mother's Day) she's going to be a surrogate?'
"My wife announced today (Mother's Day) that she's going to be surrgate, which I'm not OK with. AITA?"
My wife (31F) walks up to me (35M) this morning and proceeds to tell me she applied and was approved to be a surrogate mother. We have been married for 2 years, together 7, have two kids of our own and have been trying for a third.
She's a stay at home mom. I provide for the family. I'm clearly agitated by the situation. I'm not yelling and screaming mad, but I'm upset. This decision effects our entire family. Not only have we been trying for our own baby, but this is going to be hard on our family, on our relationship, on her body, her mental and emotional health.
I've expressed all of this to her and all she can come up with is that it's a selfless act to help another family, which I understand it helps another family. But at what cost? Her marriage? Her kids? I can't stop what I'm doing to take care of her when she's pregnant especially if it's not my kid.
I don't need or want the money she would be paid for carrying the child as we are well off because of what I provide. So please tell me how I'm the a$#@ole.
I probably won't have an update for a while. Ironically this all had to transpire on Mother's Day so she is currently out with her mother for the next few hours and when she gets home I'm going to try to do something special for her with our kids. You know, because Mother's Day and s$%t...
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Effective_While_8487 said:
NTA, wow. Yes, this is a joint decision for all the reasons you stated. It might be irreconcilable, did she explain why she needs to do this so badly?
stinkypinky88 OP responded:
Her answer was something along the lines of she's trying to help people that can't conceive on their own. I rebutted that with adoption should be the option with all the kids in the world that don't have families.
This is still so fresh off the press that I'm still heated and haven't fully processed the situation at hand.
To be clear, I don't denounce surrogacy in the least bit. I support it fully, but you know maybe don't be a surrogate if you're married with young kids and are trying to have a baby of your own. I kneejerked a reaction to her about adoption because of my clear frustration with the situation. I'm totally for surrogacy and adoption.
lavanderhaze27 said:
Ugh I feel so badly for OP. This is a catastrophic hill.
celticmusebooks said:
No reputable fertility practice allows a woman without a support system to be a surrogate. Among the questions surrogates are asked is if "their family" is complete which, you are saying, it is not.
Honestly, your wife sounds like she may be having some mental health issues and, a reputable fertility practice will demand a full mental health screening.
stinkypinky88 OP responded:
Lol all these comments eliminating her chances of actually getting to the point of implantation are a nice pick me up...
I would absolutely believe she got through all the screenings w/o fail. Family of 4 in an affluent community, no financial issues, our two prior pregnancies went without any issues from conception to deliver.
She's got good genetics, tall, in shape, takes care of her body. We also just started trying for number three of our own and have never had an issue conceiving within 6 months of tracking ovulation. I'm leaning more toward she's lost her mind...