'My wife had her wild phase before me. Now that I’m finally thriving, I feel like I missed out. AITA?' UPDATED

"My wife had her wild phase before me, and now that I’m finally thriving, I feel like I missed out, am I wrong for feeling this way?"

I’ve been married to my wife for 5 years, together for 8, and we have two beautiful children. She’s been my first everything, my first girlfriend, my first real relationship, my first in every sense.

I didn’t really date in high school or college because honestly, I didn’t take care of myself. I lacked confidence and didn’t feel attractive, so I stayed focused on other things. My wife, on the other hand, had a more “typical” college experience. She had a few relationships and had her “phase” as she was extremely attractive. She even did stuff with two guys at the same time.

She was upfront about it when we started dating, and it never bothered me although I tried to not think about it too much. Now here’s the thing: over the years, she’s become quite reserved when it comes to intimacy. She says she had her “wild side” during college, and now that she’s done with that phase, she prefers a more traditional approach to intimacy.

She says she’s tried everything she wanted to and knows what enjoys and what she doesn’t enjoy in the bedroom. And she wants to build intimacy on love not “wild lust.” And I completely respect that, I’m not trying to do something which doesn’t excite her in the bedroom. But lately, I’ve changed. I’m in the best shape of my life, physically, mentally, emotionally.

Even my family and friends are kind of shocked with how I look now. My wife loves the new me and says she finds me more attractive than ever. But to be blunt, I don’t care that my wife finds me attractive, because I know I look good now, and it’s not like her finding me more attractive will change anything in the bedroom department.

My hormones right now are all over the place, and I can’t help but feel like I missed my chance to experience that same “fun” side of life. I never had the exploration, the experimentation, the freedom.

Now that I finally feel great about myself, that door seems closed. I brought it up with my sister (we’re close), and she was surprisingly blunt. She said it’s unfair that my wife got to have those experiences and now expects me to settle for less than what she once enjoyed.

That hit me harder than I expected. But my sister also loves me to d*ath and said some crazy stuff like I deserve to have an experience with at least one other woman in my life else I’ll keep resenting my wife.

I love my wife. I don’t want to hurt her. I’m not thinking of cheating or anything like that. But I do feel stuck between respecting her boundaries and acknowledging my own desires that never had a chance to exist. AITA for feeling this way? Has anyone else been in this situation? How did you cope?

The internet had a lot of thoughts to share.

RK8814RK wrote:

I would be careful taking your sister's advice about your relationship. The right thing is to have an honest conversation with your wife. Be direct.

thebuttdemon wrote:

This guy's sister hates his wife.

TellThemISaidHi wrote:

Yup. Sister would not plant that seed against another woman without ulterior motives. Not enough info to know if sister is justified.

ConclusionEqual2290 wrote:

The grass is never greener on the other side it is just different grass.

From someone who is in the k*nk world: Get really, really, really clear on what it is you actually want.

Every fantasy sounds great in your imagination, or in p#rn, but whatever it is you want to explore it will not be the same when played out with your wife, or any other woman (if you break up, or whatever). It is a tale as old as time for a married person to have tons of ideas of what leaving their domesticated problems will be like.

They think they will be swimming in p8ssy or men will be lining up for them. And reality is very very different. They are often disappointed and wish they could have their marriage and family back. It would be better to talk to your wife (likely in therapy) that you feel like you need to spice things up. You wont get anywhere by just being mad at her.

Eleven hours later, OP shared an update.

Hey everyone, I posted this last night and went to bed. I woke up a couple hours ago, read through a lot of the replies (thank you all for the honesty), and decided to have a conversation with my wife this morning. My wife and I are usually very honest with each other.

I was upfront with her about how I’ve been feeling , specifically that I haven’t been feeling very desired lately. She was surprised at first, and even a little shocked, because we’re usually pretty lovey-dovey with each other. At first she thought I was joking, but I told her I was serious.

She reassured me that she loves me more than she can ever put into words, and that she finds me incredibly attractive. I asked her why I have to initiate intimacy most of the time, and that seemed to hit her. She got quiet, and then told me she would make an effort to initiate more often, and even kissed me then to show she meant it.

She wanted to do it there but I rejected her and told her I wasn’t done. I told her that initiating more was a start, but what I really wanted was way way way more than that. I opened up about how she’s had the chance to explore her fantasies and experiment in her past, while I never had that chance.

I told her about the attention I’ve been getting from other women recently, like for example three women at the library I go to regularly who’ve been very upfront with me, and how I’ve turned all of them down, but that it still made me think.

I told her I don’t feel desired at all at home, and in fact, I feel more desired at the library or park or even at work when I talk to women. Then I told her directly, I want to seriously spice up our bedroom life. I’m not talking about just small things.

I told her I’m in the best shape of my life, and right now I want to feel that kind of “wild lust” that I never got to experience. Not in a reckless way, I just want that passion and fire, at least for the next few years while I feel this good in my skin. To my surprise, my wife was very receptive to what I said. We sat down and talked more openly than we have in a long time.

I told her some of the fantasies in my head that I’d like to explore, and she actually listened and took me seriously. But then something happened that I wasn’t expecting, she broke down in tears. She asked if I still found her attractive. That hurt to hear, because of course I do. I hugged her, comforted her, and told her I still find her beautiful as ever.

Yes, she’s gone through some body changes since giving birth, but that doesn’t change how I feel about her at all. So yeah. That’s probably my final update. We still have a lot to talk about, but for the first time in a while I feel heard and hopeful. Thank you all again for your input, it really gave me the push I needed to be honest with myself and with my wife.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Avilola wrote:

I have a feeling this is definitely not over.

danishjugglar21 wrote:

“Hey guys, talked to my wife about it, and it went great! She broke down in tears and asked if I still found her attractive - I think that’s a great sign! I’m about to have so much hot s#x!”

TheDarkQueen321 wrote:

He'll be back posting about how he was blindsided by the divorce after things "got spicer" (i.e., He convinced her she needed to do things she didn't want to do to keep him happy, and she finally left).

Bullcityboomersooner wrote:

M 61 married 25. Highly recommend also cranking up the emotional intimacy stuff that's NOT intended to be a transaction for immediate s@x. Just chilling side-by-side holding hands on the couch watching TV for hours...random PDA in the grocery store standing in line waiting to check out. More than just a kiss and "I love you" once or twice a day. SHOW them you are still IN LOVE with them...and they you.

Her opening up back to you with similar insecurities was actually a really good thing to close this loop. Keep fanning that flame of emotional intimacy and the s#x...wild s#x, will definitely pick up again. Don't let things get too routine and complacent.. taking each other for granted...ever!