This happened on Friday, and I’ve taken the weekend to process it, but I still don’t know what to do. I somehow ended up kissing my wife’s best friend, who we’ll call Amy. Also, this is a throwaway account, as my main is too identifiable.
Some Backstory: On Friday, Amy needed someone to pick up her 3 year old from daycare since she was working late and had a date planned (I didn’t know about the date at the time). Amy is a single mom who left her abusive ex about not long after their kid was born and is still involved in ongoing custody and ab*se cases in court.
My wife and I have been helping with childcare since the breakup, as Amy’s ex and his family are apparently unreliable, and her own parents seem to have a similar attitude.
We often help with daycare pickups or weekend babysitting, especially since Amy works odd shifts at the hospital. I spend more time with the child because I work a regular 9–5, and my manager is more relaxed than my wife’s crazy schedule and boss.
None of this has ever been an issue. In fact, it’s helped my wife and I prepare for having our own child someday and understand the work that goes into parenting. We also know Amy is going back to school in the fall to study healthcare and will likely need continued support with childcare.
Our friends have pointed out that I having been playing dad for a child that's not mine and this is what changed my wife and my minds on actually wanting our own kids. Friday: I picked up the kid from daycare after work and stopped for groceries before heading home to pick up my wife and go to a friend’s place for game night. (They’re also great with having the kid around.)
Around 8 pm, Amy texted my wife to say she was on her way to pick up the kid. When she arrived, she looked exhausted. I packed up the kid’s things, and carried him to the car. While swapping the car seat back into Amy’s car, we made small talk about her day. That’s when she mentioned her date had flaked, he found out from a friend that she had a kid and hadn't told him.
This isn’t the first time it’s happened. My wife has told me about similar situations, and once, Amy’s ex even harassed one of her dates who was likely a great fit 3 dates in. From what I understand, Amy prefers to disclose that she has a child in person rather than over text as it is likely a touchy subject.
She started crying so I buckled the kid in and turned back to comfort her. Being the socially awkward penguin that I am, I didn’t know how to handle the situation. I awkwardly patted her on the head, which felt wrong, so I offered a hug. During the hug, Amy looked up and kissed me. I froze. By the time I processed what had happened, she had pulled away and said she should get home to bed.
I was stunned and didn’t know what to do, so I went back inside and continued game night. I told my wife that Amy’s date had flaked. I know Amy caught her up on the details of the failed date on Saturday, because my wife spilled the tea but there was no mention of the hug or kiss.
I still haven’t told my wife about the kiss, and I’m not sure what to do. Part of me thinks I should tell her, but I worry she’d lose a friend over what I believe was a lapse in judgment on Amy’s part. And yes, I’m aware I’ll get my fair share of judgment from my wife for not telling her right away. I’ll deserve it. Was this cheating?
GreatResetBest wrote:
Tell your wife, exactly as is.
No it's not cheating - but GOD HELP YOU IF AMY CONFESSES FIRST and then you are captial F F#$KED bro.
You cannot ever be in isolation with Amy ever again. She loses that right permanently. No car rides alone. Nope - permanently off the table.
No-Professional3800 wrote:
Regardless of whose fault it was, your wife deserves to know. And it would be better that it came from you so it doesn’t come out any other way than the truth.
Not saying Amy would lie and say you initiated it, but it would be best to have all your ducks in a row and there isn’t any discrepancy in the truth, because if Amy was the type of woman capable of kissing her friend’s husband, then what else could she be capable of.
ChocoBerryBliss wrote:
A kiss without consent is wrong. Addressing it openly with your wife makes it clear you value her trust over avoiding awkwardness.
nikki57 wrote:
How is not telling your wife even on the table? You want to protect your wife's friend more than your wife?
THG79 wrote:
Every day, every hour, every minute that you continue to not tell your wife is betraying your wife and your marriage.
Do with that what you will.
Update: If you haven't read the previous post, it's clear that I had a lot to take away from this situation and work on. To clear up a couple of questions and comments. Our friend group has a 13-year age gap from youngest to oldest. Most of us have or had siblings in the group, which is why we have such a difference in ages. I am autistic and have an issue with dealing with most uncomfortable situations.
The kiss was on the lips and yes I froze in the situation. It didn't come across to me as anything other than odd. I thought about telling my wife right away but was uncomfortable doing so in front of the others so didn't at the time, it was playing on my mind for the rest of game night and had me unsure what it was and if it was important to tell her.
After the initial post, I left work early to inform my wife what happened on Friday. After 2 long hours, we had a few things to deal with. We agreed I was wrong for not telling her about it right away, which is no surprise, but she was thankful I told her. We promised to work on our relationship and communication.
After work the following day, following a commenter's advice, we took a trip to get out of town for a few days and go camping. This has helped us reconnect and reminded us of why we got married in the first place. We got back to town today, and my wife had invited Amy over in the evening to discuss what happened.
My wife decided that she wanted to further talk about what happened in person after she spoke to her initially on Monday. The conversation on Monday with Amy - Following your advice, I suggested that my wife call Amy to confirm my story, so she did. Amy immediately confessed before my wife even had a chance to confront her fully.
Amy said that she had been struggling recently and she needed support. The failed date and seeing me play the father figure, along with seeming to care about her day, made her feel wanted. She said that she felt awful immediately, and that is why she rushed home. This call went on for nearly an hour, where we discussed how we felt hurt as a couple and how we need to set some boundaries.
We agreed that we would be stepping back from helping with her and the kid for the time being, but agreed that if we were to help again, my wife would deal with most of it. My wife and I agreed that I wouldn't be left alone with Amy for some time to be sure and this includes games nights. Amy said that she understood how we felt and continued to show remorse. So my wife, for some reason, invited her over today.
Friday - So the two of them spoke for a few hours today about everything. They went back over the boundaries and what was expected if Amy was going to remain friends with us. Against what I think is the right choice, my wife and Amy are going to continue as friends for now. We are still going to help out, but the interactions that I have with Amy will be limited as I am still not 100% sure of the whole situation.
I know many of you will be against this but we have set some ground rules on how often we help out. Amy agreed that looking for a partner right now will be the last thing on her list, and she will be focusing on her child, work and mental health. Amy is already in counseling and is likely to need more time.
We agreed that this was something not to be discussed with the wider friend group, as we are sure they all have very different opinions, and we all want to keep the peace.
One key boundary that I think had made a massive difference on the outcome of this and hopefully helped Amy understand the situation and how I felt is that I won't be carpooling with Amy to work when she goes back to University in September.
I work in the next city over, not far from the university. Before all this happened I had agreed to take Amy into the city on my way to work for the few days she has in-person lessons as I will already be making the trip and especially in the winter the roads can get dangerous.
I feel bad for this but it was one of the things my wife had reminded me that I would have been alone with her in the car for some time. Depending on how things go I might be willing to offer this again but not sure if it's the right thing to do.
My wife has gone to bed early tonight, as camping takes a toll on the body, and I am left wondering about this whole thing and hopefully things will go back to some sort of normal soon. Our marriage seems to be still intact, and we have shared a lot and discussed the feelings we have both been having about other issues in our relationship.
Our marriage isn't perfect, but we are going to work on it and promise not to let things like this happen again. Turns out, when you communicate effectively, you both find out the things that annoyed us about the relationship, which made the whole kiss issue the least concerning. We both have a lot to work on when it comes to our relationship as a whole but something we are both willing to work on.
I am not sure if keeping Amy as a friend was a good idea but I will have to see how this goes before approaching my wife, was this the right thing to do?
TL;DR: My wife forgave me for not telling her about the kiss and we decided to keep her as a friend for now.
LittleCats_3 wrote:
I think you need to communicate with your wife that a friendship with Amy isn’t something you want to continue with. That when she kissed you, it made continuing being her friend impossible.
Your wife seems to want to continue this friendship, however if roles were reversed and a man had kissed her without her consent and you wanted to remain friends with that person I imagine she would have a problem with this.
Amy crossed a physical boundary that could have caused major problems in your marriage, as well as s*xually moved on you in a highly inappropriate way. Just because Amy is a woman and you are a man doesn’t make this any less of a SA against you. I know your wife feels for Amy and considered her a friend, but she isn’t one.
lemurslemur wrote:
You have a hard boundary. You don’t want any friendship with Amy. Your wife is violating that boundary.
Honestly? Your wife sounds like a pushover. This whole friendship group sounds exhausting.
gdrom123 wrote:
I’m glad your wife didn’t hold the situation against you but I agree that Amy should be cut off from your lives. I hope this doesn’t blow up in your face OP!
whatashame_13 wrote:
Stay away from Amy, no communication, no phones, block on social media if you can , no carpooling, limit talking to her kid, focus on your wife.