Man finds out mom named him after her late husband behind her dad's back. AITA?
"AITA for telling my mom she doesn't get to act like the victim when she named me after her late husband behind my dad's back?"
SuspiciousMeeting385
My mom was married to another guy before she was married to my dad. Her first husband was her childhood best friend, her first and only love until he died, they started dating as teenagers and got married in their 20s and were trying to have kids when he died.
They were 28. My mom never loved anyone else again. She met and married my dad. But she never loved him. She married him because she was turned down as a single adoptive parent and because people in her life told her she should find a way to be happy again.
I'm their only kid and she named me after her first husband. My dad didn't realize for years. Her husband's name was James. Like his legal name. It's the one most people used for him.
But my mom called him Hunter and guess what my name is? Hunter. She told dad she just really loved the name and my dad liked it too so he agreed. He only knew her first husband as James so he never made the connection.
I was 10 when my dad found out. He found some letters that he initially thought were meant for me but realized they were to the first husband. They ended up arguing for like 2 weeks straight and that's how I learned mom's feelings toward dad and why she married him.
I would sit up and listen to them when I was meant to be sleeping because it weirded me out to learn I was named after her first husband. She always had him very present in our lives.
We had loads of photos in the house of him, she would talk about him a lot and it was pretty clear she was still super in love with him. I only realized last year but something she also did was switch her wedding ring from my dad out for her original wedding ring when my dad wasn't around.
I remember her changing rings a lot when I was a younger kid and when they divorced she just always wore her original wedding ring. I wanted my name changed and my dad does too but mom refuses to give her consent, which we need, and the judge has insisted both parents have to consent.
My relationship with mom is not good anyway. I'm not the kid she wanted because I'm not James/Hunters kid. But she also refuses to let me go and just let me be dad's kid.
She'll sometimes try some performative parenting but mostly it's sort of like we're roommates when I'm at her house instead of dad's (I have to split my time every other week, the judge refused to let me make the decision).
My mom's house has photos of her and James all over the place. It's like a shrine to him/to them and two days ago she was crying to her former ILs that we hate her and how awful my dad is to her.
When the call ended I told her she doesn't get to act like the victim when she lied to dad about my name and named me after her dead husband behind dad's back and when she won't let me change my name so I'm not creeped out by the history behind my name.
She called me a self-absorbed brat and told me I will never understand her grief. I told her I understood the loss was devastating for her but she used us and never even loved us and that was vicious. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Critical-Bank5269
Mom has serious psychological issues..... Totally NTA...... If I was OP, I'd refuse visitation with mom and the moment I turned 18, I'd get my name changed legally.
The OP responded here:
SuspiciousMeeting385
I can't refuse to visit. My dad would get the courts after his ass if I did. But I will stop going as soon as I can.
RutabagaJones3000
Woof. NTA. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds like you do have sympathy for your mom and understand she is a person who has not dealt with her grief in healthy ways. But that doesn’t excuse how she has treated you.
Making you a part of her shrine to her dead husband is a horrible thing to put on a child. You don’t say how old you are but I’m guessing mid to late teens. Hang in there, you will be able to change your name as soon as you turn 18.
If you have a name you like, I would start using it and asking people who are not your mom to start using it too so it’s not such an abrupt switch and you have a bit of a paper trail for your new name before you switch.
hannahkelli
NTA. Your mom needs help. Like, she needs to be working with a mental health professional to figure out how to move forward and stop centering her grief over her ex-husband over everything else in her life because the amount of harm she's causing is brutal.
She is the one who is self-involved here and I think all you can do at this point is hold boundaries. Also, you have every right to choose a different name and ask the people in your life to call you by it until such a time as you can change it legally. I'm sure she won't respect that, but it's still something you have every right to do.
gevander2
NTA. Also, how old are you? If you want to change your name, once you turn 18 you don't need your parents' permission. Document any "weirdness" of your mom and bide your time. If things get "really weird", documentation of her history of behavior will sway a judge more than your words.
Video and audio is best, but check your area's "wiretapping" laws to see whether it is LEGAL for you to record conversations when you are present for them. She seems to have a "borderline" mental disorder - not really "sick" but something that affects her behavior and her ability to form connections with other people.