'My narcissistic sister-in-law wants to come to my Christmas dinner. AITA?' UPDATED
"My narcissistic sister-in-law wants to come to my Christmas dinner. AITA?"
For context, I (27F) and my sister-in-law (32F), I'll call her Sarah, do not get along. We were very close at one point. But, two years ago, my brother and her got into a very heated argument that escalated and I told her she was wrong when she asked for my opinion.
She threatened me after that and I have not spoken to her since. She has since moved back to her hometown and I look after her daughter (11F) as she goes to a private school in my city.
I'm hosting a Christmas dinner this year and everyone except Sarah was invited initially. My brother later told me that she's alone for the holidays. The thing to note about Sarah is that, she is very narcissistic.
She will only be nice to you if you agree with her all of the time and take her side even when she's wrong. She will gaslight you even if you have evidence. She essentially has no friends because of this and her family no longer speaks to her.
I felt bad given our past relationship and said she could come as long as she agrees to be civil at all times. Recently however, her daughter had a Christmas party. I bought her a cute and appropriate outfit that suits her style of choice and she was very excited to wear it.
Sarah called her and asked to see what she would be wearing before instantly becoming upset when she saw the outfit. She told her she couldn't wear it. Her daughter insisted its what she wanted to wear and when Sarah realized her daughter wasn't going to listen she stated "If you want to look like a grandma and go to your party, fine" and then quickly hung up on her daughter.
I was upset because instead of being understanding of her daughter's opinions, she chose to insult her and hang up on her. It also showed me that in the past years, Sarah is still the same. I no longer want her to come to the dinner. My mom has stated that it would be a jerk move. Would I be the AH to rescind my invitation?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Mom is right, it wouldn't be good to rescind based upon the conversation she had with her own daughter. You would be TA. That being said...If you called the mom and had a conversation about her making the daughter feel bad about her outfit, and that conversation turned ugly and mom got belligerent, you could use that as a reason to uninvite her.
anonpaimon (OP)
Thanks for responding. Your approach does seem more reasonable. I may just try that first.
"My brother and her got into a very heated argument."
What was the argument?
"She threatened me after that."
What was the threat? Also is this your husband's wife or your brother's wife?
anonpaimon (OP)
This is my brother's wife. Their argument was about her staying in contact with her affair partner. She wanted me to take her side but, I told her what she was doing was wrong if she wanted to save her marriage. She threatened me that I would never see her daughter again and that she better not ever see me by chance (insinuating she would hurt me I suppose).
Then she doesn’t get to enter your home. Anyone, and I mean anyone that threatens you does not deserve a seat at your table, ever. No you don’t have to be the bigger person here. Sounds like SIL is a walk all over everybody narcissist, I mean she wants to stay in contact with her affair partner, what is that?
Nope, no cheaters, liars and threatening people are allowed in my home, at my table or even in my vicinity. She can be lonely, as she deserves it, she earned it and has not changed. Do not let her in your home or your holidays are going to be ruined.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
I hope I am updating correctly. After reading everyone's comments, I made the decision to simply talk to Sarah. I called her last night. I didn't mention anything about the conversation she had with her daughter and instead, kept the call focused on the dinner and my expectations.
I told her that I understand we hadn't talked in about two years, but I wanted to clear the air if we were going to be around each other for the holidays. I explained that I was hoping to have an uneventful holiday surrounded by the people closest to me.
I even said I would be happy to have her over because it would make her daughter very happy. Guys, I do not know where communication got twisted but she got so upset. I am also very proud of myself for having recorded the phone call so, she can't twist my words or anything like that.
She went on a full rant, saying she did so much for me and my family and that we should have been understanding of her (talking about her affair here lol). Mind you, she's the one that dragged us in to her drama back then because she was hoping we would have her back (support her affair).
We tend to stay out of their marriage drama unless it concerns their daughter. Anyway, she uninvited herself. She said she was offended I would call her and make her feel like a bad person for bringing up the past. I mentioned nothing about the affair lol.
She said she didn't want to be around us anyway. That my brother was the one who wanted her there (which is a lie since he had sent me a screenshot of her asking to be invited because I didn't believe him when he said she wanted to be with us for the holiday). I didn't mention this to her and just said "okay, take care" before hanging up.
That is the end of my little saga. Thank you to everyone who commented yesterday. I'm glad I took this approach because if I had simply uninvited her I would have been second guessing myself the entire time wondering if she had changed at all. A little naive thinking, but I'm okay with this outcome. Have a happy and safe holiday everyone.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
The person who told op to give her enough rope to hang herself was right, but it sounds like she'll manage even without the rope.
Just be prepared for her to show up uninvited. Maybe save her a seat at the children's table.
I suspect this will NOT be the end of OP's little saga after all.
Considering the daughter's age - that going to be at least 7 years of BS drama that OP and her side of family will be dealing with, and that's not including whatever years when the daughter is an adult...
So the parents had a kid, don’t care for the kid, dumped her on OP and washed their hands of her? But neither wants to divorce each other so their kid is caught in between all of this. Such great parents.
It would probably open a can of worms that won't be fun, but I wonder if it would be possible for OP to get custody or guardianship of her niece. Neither of her parents care about that poor girl.