"AITA for never bringing food to family potlucks?"
I have a few “family secret” recipes that have always been a huge hit at potlucks. Back home, people looked forward to them, raved about them, and practically begged me to bring them. I know my food is good, really good.
Then I moved away, got married, and met my husband and his family. His family is enormous. Like, their family tree is less a tree and more of an orchard. Because of that, every gathering is potluck-style, never an organized meal, everyone brings something.
So for my first thanksgiving with them, I brought my famous upside-down pumpkin pie. And this massive family refused to touch it. Not a single slice. I brought the entire pie home. There was one year a family member brought a friend from work who tried my pie and she was delighted, she loved the recipe!
And despite raving loudly over how tasty the pie was, no one from the family tried it. The next year, same thing. Every time the whole dessert ended up in the trash because it was just me and my husband at home, and we couldn't eat it all ourselves.
So I switched it up! one year I made my family’s secret cheesecake recipe. This cheesecake is so good that even my husband, who is the pickiest eater alive, loves it. Word had apparently gotten around that I was bothered by everyone ignoring my food.
That year, I noticed one single slice taken out of the cheesecake. Except, when I went to clean up I found that slice in the trash. The plate was face up and I could clearly see that not a bite was taken out of that slice. Again, I had to throw the whole dessert away.
After that, I tried bringing anything else. Soda? No, they went on a soda run to get their own. Coffee? Nope! This family drinks coffee like fish drink water. And I didn't cheap out, I bought fancy French vanilla coffee and name brand liquid creamer, because that's their favorite. Still, no one touched it, MIL verbalized her distain saying something I don't remember now.
This has been going on for years. At this point, I avoid the topic entirely and give whatever excuse I can to not bring anything. MIL has learned that if she wants something from us, she messages my husband, because he’ll agree to anything. He’s aware this is an issue for me, and we’ve talked about it.
He has social disabilities and anxiety, even with his family, that we are working through together. This isn't about him. My question is: AITA for refusing to bring food to potlucks anymore?
NOTE: I have gone limited contact and have been for a long while now. We have skipped the last two thanksgivings and plan to skip next year. We have stopped bringing food for the last several years.
Food was famous back home not JUST family loved these foods, friends and coworkers did as well. Even now our current friends love these foods. My in-laws have not taken any single bite of my food.
There’s no way it’s my ego - especially since I did offer did things at different points in time. Husband is autistic and with any sign of conflict he does shut down and goes nonverbal and will start to stim. We are working through this food issue together.
MIL told the family that I was upset about the food being wasted, not husband. We kept going back because it was his family and he still wants to see his family. It’s not about cleanliness or hygiene as their houses are all disgusting. I have even watched MIL make biscuits and gravy and she stuck her bear naked finger knuckle deep into the gravy to check if it was warm.
It can’t be a race thing, we are all white. I am multi cultural but I look extremely white. No children. No plans on children. This is the closest suspected cause for the behavior as, like I said, the family is huge and have a lot of kids.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
MistressJacklynHyde said:
NTA. You have tried to bring things to the potlucks and it just ends up in the trash! I wouldn't put the effort in either. Though I would definitely try your desserts!! You made me hungry.
Amazing_Reality2980 said:
NTA this sounds like they are personally targeting you. With a crowd that big and not one person eats anything you make at any of the potlucks...I don't know what is going on, but it sounds like a form of organized group bullying.
There's no way not one single person eats anything you make in a large group like that unless you're targeted. I think I'd just stop going to the potlucks all together, or any family event for that matter.
Familiar_Shock_1542 said:
NTA. Not one bit. There is something seriously wrong with those people. They won't even accept bottles of Cokes from you, so you know it's just bitchiness and not that someone found a hair one time or something. Absolutely do not bother ever making homemade food for them again. Keep on letting them message your spouse if they want anything.
They all need a visit to a shrink. I am sorry they are behaving in such a cruel manner. Their ahole level is off the chart. As you and your husband are both disturbed by their behavior and attitudes, have you considered simply not going?
Maleficent_Virus_556 said:
Wow not even your deadbeat husband had a slice NTA.
Super_Selection1522 said:
NTA. But why are you throwing them away? Pies freeze well. And you can cut them into slices first and store the slices separately so you don't have to defrost the whole pie. And personally, I love semi frozen cheesecake.
KnittWhitt said:
NTA, but I'd be petty and bring trash bags to the next potluck.