'AITA for telling my dad I never wanted his wife at my appointments and I tolerated it because I had no choice?'
"AITA for telling my dad I never wanted his wife at my appointments and I tolerated it because I had no choice?"
My parents got divorced five years ago and my dad got remarried two years ago. I (16f) think his wife is fine but it's not like she's my mom or my favorite person and I don't see us getting any closer over the years because she can be a bit much at times. I have a medical condition that requires checkups every 6 months and sometimes I needs tests if something is off and a change in treatment if it's needed.
When my dad first got remarried he insisted his wife should be there as well. Mom didn't want her there and they fought over it. I told dad I didn't want her there either but he claimed I was parroting my mom and I loved and needed his wife there.
He told me it was okay and he'd make sure she was there and when I went to tell him again he cut me off and said it was fine and he'd handle it. She's been to every appointment since and whenever I'm asked if I want to speak to the doctor without my parents there I ask for it to be just me and mom.
My dad was confused about why and his wife cried the first time and gets all mopey the other times. Dad has asked me why I wanted just mom there but he never let me answer.
The other day my parents were fighting about dad's wife attending these appointments and dad said his wife was important and she deserved to be there. My mom told dad his wife was nothing and had no business going anywhere near the appointments.
Dad told mom he would take her parenting time away if he could for that attitude and he was pissed the whole way back to his house. I told him I wouldn't let him take me away from mom and he said he was pissed off that she was denying my and his wife's connection and the fact I wanted her there.
That's when I snapped and told him I never wanted her there. I told him that back then. And I tolerate her being there. I said she's not important to me. She's not needed.
That she's more like a big baby when she cries or mopes after I ask to have the two of them leave the room and I told him I do that because she's there and I never wanted her intruding like that.
My dad was literally stunned into silence for a day and a half and when he talked to me he told me the things I said were cruel and unfair to his wife who did nothing to me. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
You're not the AH. Your boundaries are valid, and your dad should’ve respected them.
Tell your dad to stop acting like a 5 year old and grow up. This random stranger he chose to marry is not entitled to your medical information and her, an adult woman, crying about it is baffling.
NTA. This is a classic case of your dad projecting his desires onto you and completely disregarding your autonomy. It's your health, your appointments, and you get to decide who's present.
The fact he insisted his wife be there, and then cut you off, shows he wasn't listening. And her crying over you wanting privacy is such peak pick-me behavior. You weren't cruel, you were honest after being silenced for years. He needs to respect your choices.
Your Dad is weaponizing your health as a way to flaunt newby. He revealed his motivation when he threatened to cut moms parenting time, simply because you prefer your mother as many 16f would. Your Dad is a monster. He is not out for your best interest. This is about power and control. He should listen to you. Id get far away from the POS father.
Pretend_Jelly_6739 (OP)
That's something dad occasionally but it's annoying when he does it for something like this. I know he'd try it too if I ever needed a procedure or time in the hospital.
NTA - they’ve walked all over your boundaries and disregarded your privacy and feelings. He’s also threatened your time with your mother over it, if I’m reading that right. Sounds like you’ve tried to politely decline her infringements on your privacy, and you got pushed into this more blunt exchange. This sounds like very bad parenting by your father.
Ask your dad to let you accompany his wife to her next gynecologist appointment and that you would like to be there when she discusses her medical issues with the doctor. This is what they are both expecting from you.
NTA, his wife is not related to you and has no business attending your medical appointments. Your dad is strange trying to force this form of bonding. Is it because his wife is unable to have kids and she wants some form of “parenting” experience?
NTA. It's not rocket science and it shouldn't take you biting off your old man's head to drive the point home. So what if he got remarried? Step-parents need to be integrated into the family dynamics slowly and willingly by all parties. If someone isn't comfortable with their presence in a sensitive space then the step-parent shouldn't be there.
Your father is failing you. Next time tell your doctor at the beginning of the appointment that you don't want your father's wife there at all if she makes you uncomfortable and ask your doctor directly how old you need to be to make your own decisions regarding keeping your private medical history private.
You tried to talk to your father, but he didn't listen. Now there is only the scorched earth option. Alternatively, talk to your mother about going back to court. You are reaching an age where you should already have or soon have some control over your private medical information. NTA.