'AITA for refusing to visit my MIL because she fat-shamed me after I gave birth?'
"AITA for refusing to visit my MIL after she fat-shamed me following the birth of my baby?"
I (26f) and my husband (26m) just welcomed our first baby a few months ago. Him and I are overjoyed and I am so in love with our tiny bundle. My family has been super supportive, bringing us dinners and making sure we had time for napping while we adjusted to parent life.
My husband’s family is different from mine in a lot of ways. They didn’t want to visit us and only wanted us to come to them (they live about 20 minutes away) and didn’t really care to offer much for support following the birth. We were fine with it and brought our baby over when we were able to - around 3 times a month.
After the first month, my MIL began commenting about how much she prioritized “losing the baby weight” after she had her first baby. At first I didn’t think anything of it, I thought she was just voicing her experience as many people do when they are around babies. She then started commenting on my baby's chubby cheeks, and how similar they are to mine.
I felt a bit hurt but let it slide once again. The final straw was when my husband was talking to her casually about my wanting to start going on runs again and how we were planning on making it work since our baby is very attached to me.
She very loudly said “you’re thinking about trying to run? Shouldn’t you start with walking?” His whole family was in the room and looked at me waiting for my answer. I am an avid runner who only stopped due to my pregnancy, and her comment really hurt.
When I was a teenager I had really bad body issues, one that I am still struggling with. Comments on my body or physical abilities are hurtful to hear, and she is someone who I knew talked about peoples bodies behind their backs, but I didn’t think she would be so mean to my face. I am not skinny by any means, but live a healthy and active lifestyle so weight should not be my concern.
This is where I feel like the a#ole. I don’t want to see her anymore. She makes me feel like crap about myself and my husband is backing me up 100%. His mom is angry because she thinks we are just keeping her grandchild away from her and believes it is unfair. He goes there without me but it is difficult to take our baby because she is exclusively breastfed and refuses bottles of any kind. AITA?
EDIT:
EDIT: After reading the first few comments I realize that I left out some info. I am currently 5 months postpartum and have been fully cleared by my doctor to begin my running regiment.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
INFO: Why isn't your husband supporting you? Continuing his visits when they haven't apologised isn't support.
Additional-Tough1220 OP responded:
His father has been very very kind to us and my husband is very close with him. He understands that what his mother says about me isn’t good and defends me when he hears her say things which upsets her more.
Unfortunately, he can only see his dad - for the most part - in his mother’s presence. As upset as I am I wouldn’t want to take away from that relationship.
That really doesn’t sound like she’s condemning your weight to me. Sounds like you’re extremely sensitive about it and are just subconsciously making a mountain out of a molehill.
If she really wanted you to lose weight she’d have encouraged the running. Her comment about walking first simply sounds like she was concerned you’d go too hard too fast, not that she was accusing you of being inactive.
Additional-Tough1220 OP responded:
I agree that my experience with PPD &PPA may be a factor. My issue is the way she said things and my nervousness about how she will speak to my children in the future.
Since I have met her she has been on some form of diet and is constantly commenting on “fat” people around her, even her close friends and relatives. She made comments before having a baby that I ignored as well. I do appreciate your perspective it does help a lot!
tessherelurkingnow said:
NTA. Commenting on the weight of someone who just had a baby is an incredible ahole move, no one asked her.
Charlie_Parkers_Mood said:
NTA. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to waste your time around people who only want to tear you down.
mochafiend said:
NTA at all. Glad your husband is backing you. That seems to so rarely happen in these cases.
esmerelofchaos said:
NTA. Your in laws definitely suck. I’d be all “nah, I’d rather run my body. It’s so much better for everyone than just running my mouth about what other people are doing.” And then just smile.
cayjay00 said:
NTA. Protect your peace. Your husband can visit MIL without the kid, and MIL can feel the weight of FAFO consequences (sorry boutcha). Assuming “a few months ago” is in the 2-4 month range, you’re still healing, your hormones are not even close to “back to normal,” your kid is breastfed.
But irrespective of time range, you have enough on your plate without dealing with some ahole who can’t hold her tongue (or just, you know, be a decent human). MIL is husband’s problem to manage. Call it dad duty…one he’ll have to take on for a good while. Unless y’all go no contact, that is.
gezeitenspinne said:
NTA. But honestly, I think your husband shouldn't visit her either. Let her make an actual effort before she gets any contact. Especially as there will be a time when he'll be able to bring the kid. And she'll sure as hell do the same thing to your child.