New mom tell in-laws they have 'boundary issues,' bans them from seeing newborn. AITA?
"AITAH for telling my in-laws they have boundary issues and not letting them see my daughter?"
I, 23F, have been married to my husband, 27M, for about 3 years. Our first child is 3.5 months old. I've known my inlaws for over 5 years. We used to have an amazing relationship until 6 months after our wedding when we had our first miscarriage.
We knew we were going to miscarry before we told them we were pregnant. Since they asked about grandchildren every time we saw then my husband told them in private that I was pregnant and having a miscarriage and asked them not to mention anything about it. I was having a horrible time with it. The very next day we went to their house and they wouldn't stop talking about it. This never stopped.
Fast forward to a year and a half later, we were pregnant for the 3rd time (first baby). We told my inlaws at 6 weeks. I wanted to wait but my husband didn't. We asked them not to tell anyone, they did anyway and wouldn't stop after explicitly being asked multiple times not to. They keep overstepping throughout the pregnancy. They wanted to be there when baby was born, I said no, me and husband fought about it.
After baby was born we told them not to kiss baby. Baby is 2 weeks old, FIL kisses baby. We tell him not to kiss baby and he says it's not a big deal. 4 days later we see them again, FIL kisses baby on the face and I cause a scene, take the baby, and leave their house. Inlaws and husband say I overreacted and disrespected them. We didn't go back for 2 months.
Now the baby is about 3 months old and I agree to take the baby back for a visit. FIL holds the baby until she needs to eat. The baby is exclusively breastfed. As I'm feeding her, FIL says "no more boobie once she starts teething." I feel it isn't his place to tell me how or what to feed my baby.
We're not close and talking about anything personal makes me uncomfortable so him talking about my breasts at all is uncomfortable for me but I don't say anything. He then tells me that I need to start giving the baby rice cereal. I tell him I'm not doing that and I explain why and he proceeds to tell me that her doctor will put her on it soon, completely ignoring what I said. MIL then wants to hold the baby.
Baby is very upset. I let her try to comfort the baby but it isn't working. I go to stand next to my husband. MIL thinks I'm telling him to take the baby away so she bitterly says "you don't need to talk to him."
This upsets me as I didn't say anything to him but also I can say whatever I want to to my husband but again I say nothing to her. After a few minutes husband takes baby from MIL and gives her to me.
FIL argues this bc MIL "knows how to hold a baby." I console baby and get her to sleep. She likes to be rocked to sleep standing up. I give her back to MIL and she immediately sits down and wakes baby up. We didn't stay much longer after that. It was clear the visit didn't go well.
The next day MIL sends a text basically saying she wants to see us again soon. It's clear she's only sending this text bc she knows it didn't go well. I send a message saying It's clear yesterday didn't go well and inlaws have some boundary issues they need to work on. I also say I know their intentions are good but I need the constant comments and overstepping to stop.
I try to phrase this message as politely as possible. I even sent it to my husband for his okay before I sent it. She replies asking what they need to work on and I tell her the issues I had from the previous day.
She replies saying we should be open with each other moving forward to avoid any issues and I believe this response was genuine. However, a few hours later my FIL calls my husband when he knows he isn't home to tell him that I am no longer welcome at their house.
My husband thinks everything is my fault and wants to take the baby to their house without me for the holidays. I said no. He said he's taking her anyway. I don't trust them to respect boundaries when I'm not there and he isn't able to stand up to them. I don't think not giving them free reign over my newborn is unreasonable for a newly postpartum FTM. Am I overreacting in everything?
Here's what the top commenters had to say about this one:
Pro_napper650 said:
NTA. The biggest issue I see is the complete lack of respect and support from your husband. And there’s no way in hell I would trust them to respect boundaries with you not there.
They don’t even seem to do so even when you are present. Them “banning” you from their house seems like a manipulative tactic to keep you away so they’re free to do as they please in regards to YOUR baby, and I would be enraged if my husband saw no issue with it.
Anxious-Routine-5526 said:
NTA...Your biggest issue here is your husband. He doesn't have your back, doesn't respect your wishes, and all around is failing you at controlling his parents. Until he's more concerned about his wife, the mother of his child than his parents, you're never getting past this.
Your husband needs to get his head out of his a%s and get on the same page with you. This is your daughter, not his parents. That fact needs to be respected and prioritized.
imsooldnow said:
Your husband needs to grow a spine. He should be completely ashamed of himself. It’s his job to support his wife and protect and raise his child. His idea is also ridiculous. He’s showing he values his parents more than you instead of standing up to them so they stop being ridiculous. Why does he think it acceptable that your child’s first Christmas should be without one of her parents???!!!
Endora529 said:
NTA. Your husband is a bigger AH then his parents, though. He has no respect for you and your thoughts. He should be sticking up for you and enforcing boundaries with his parents.
If your child is still breast fed, how does he plan to feed her over the holidays? Are they going to feed your baby food that you specifically said not to feed her? How long are you willing to put up with his parents doing whatever they want with you and your baby and your husband saying nothing is wrong with it? Think about the rest of your life with this man and his parents.