New mom says husband needs to talk to 'overbearing' MIL about baby; 'she flipped out on me.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my husband to talk to his mother re: our newborn?"
My husband and I just had our first child together after a couple years of trying and dealing with infertility. Our son came early, a month and a half - we spent three weeks in the NICU and it was a very emotional time for me/us.
Fast forward and we are now home and getting used to everyday life with a baby. We have been getting visitors pretty often compared to what we’re used to, and his parents come every couple of days.
Lately, I have had extreme anxiety when they come over because his mother has been incredibly overbearing to a point where I feel insulted. Each time they visit, she is constantly staring and analyzing how I am taking care of my child and making comments on what I “should” be doing or what she would do. Mind you, my husband was born in the 80s and she has not taken care of a baby since.
This came to a head the other night when she flipped out on me for sitting my child up to burp him. She for some reason believes you can’t do that to a newborn, even though it’s exactly how they showed us on the NICU.
It would have been one thing if she actually had advice, but what she was saying made no sense and how she said it to me was incredibly rude and condescending. She also went on to comment on how he was dressed (not enough layers), how he was being fed (because he was drooling), and kept calling him by his middle name (see below).
I’m not a confrontational person, so when they left I asked my husband to talk to her re: her behavior. My husband also did not stick up for me as any of this was happening.
This quickly spiraled into an argument, which yes is partly my fault because I was so heated about my MIL, and he told me that I’m overreacting, constantly miserable around them and I should “get over it." Now he is saying that he wants to move out and raise our child separately.
I do want to add my husband and his parents are from a different country. They have lived in the US most of his life, but there are barriers at time culturally. Regardless, I’d like to know if I’m TA and overreacting - is this “just how I’m laws are?"
Last add: while my husband's reaction is extreme, other things I “complained” to him about my in laws leading up to this: his mother telling me I gave birth “the easy way” (emergency c-section)...
...his father for some reason feeling comfortable grilling me about breastfeeding (I’m not for multiple reasons), his mother texting me two days after giving birth asking me not to name our child the name we DID end up choosing bc she does not like it (now she refuses to call him by anything but his middle name), his parents questioning what I was doing that caused our son to come early...
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
theitguy1968 said:
NTA. Now he is saying that he wants to move out and raise our child separately. Sorry this was probably always the plan. Do not get a passport for your child. If he takes your baby you won't see it again. Get a lawyer and if possible move out ASAP go to your Mum's or any relative on your side of the family.
chubalubs said:
NTA. I know it's common to say this on here, but you don't have a mother-in-law problem, you have a husband problem. You're not over-reacting at all-if anything you're under reacting. Your husband wanting to leave and take your baby is really worrying-in your position I'd be getting myself legal advice.
And you didn't give birth "the easy way." You gave birth-if a baby came out of you, that's giving birth. Sections can be as difficult or as easy as vaginal deliveries to heal from physically, every birth and every birthing person has their own experience, so don't ever feel you need to justify how you did it or what your choices were, your choices are as valid as anybody else's.
1955photo said:
QUIETLY gather legal documents for yourself and the baby. Do your best to not let your husband or in-laws get their hands on a birth certificate. If your husband and/or his parents have citizenship in another country, quite likely they are planning to take the baby there and you will never see him again.
QUIETLY see an attorney and find out the best options to get away and keep custody. Give the exact words they used about taking the baby and raising him separately. Take the most extreme legal measures you can, to keep them from having any visitation with the baby. They will take him if they can.
AnonMSme1 said:
NTA and I'm guessing there are other things happening here if your husband escalated from this to a divorce. That said, his parents sound awful and you're probably better off without him if this is how co-parenting with him will be. Make sure to document all this so you can use it in the inevitable custody dispute.
Trippedwire48 said:
NTA but your husband and his parents are, especially after seeing your edit. If your husband isn't sticking up for you, having your back, and his first reaction to this argument is divorce, that is telling that he doesn't respect you. Please get a plan in place to speak with a lawyer ASAP to see your options regarding divorce and custody.
Also check about 'grandparents rights' in your state to make sure not a factor to worry about. Please heed the advice of not allowing your husband to get a passport for your child. If you can, move all important docs for both you and your baby (social cards, birth certificate) to a safety deposit box in your name only.
For now, set boundaries with your MIL directly about her and FIL visiting. I'd lock myself in a room separately with baby if they show up outside of the boundary, especially if your husband does move out. Good luck OP.