'AITA for refusing to tattoo at my cousins wedding?' UPDATED 4X
"AITA for refusing to tattoo at my cousins wedding?"
Suspicious-Fruit243
So a little to my background: I am a tattoo artist. I’ve done an apprenticeship the first year of tattooing. I work as a tattoo artist for 4 years now and I opened a studio recently.
Me and my family are invited to a wedding, that is taking place in another state. My cousin is marrying and we got the invitation a few months ago. Time has moved forward and now the wedding is in a week already.
Out of the blue my cousin, let’s call him Matt, texted me with something along the lines of "you’re gonna tattoo me on my wedding day.“ I was a bit confused as I never even thought of bringing my equipment, since I also didn’t plan a guestspot or anything. (guestspot is a tattoo artist working at another studio for a few days or weeks, mostly in a different area to grow the clientele.)
I jokingly asked if he has a machine, as i still hoped that he wasn't serious. He then just asked if I don't have one (???) and that one machine wouldn't take up that much space to take with.
I replied that I didn’t plan on bringing my equipment, that in fact contains more than just a machine (color, hygiene stuff, stencil (thats the purple stuff you put on the skin to then trace the tattoo with actual needles etc) and that I'm not prepared to tattoo at a wedding I don't know anything about (layout of the location, is it inside/outside and so on).
He then said that he had planned on this and that it would mean a lot to him to both get a tattoo on his wedding day and that I'd be the one to tattoo him. Remember that this is the first time I'm hearing this.
I again tried to explain that I don't feel comfortable with that and that it’s quite short notice as I work until me and my brother fly over to attend the wedding and a tattoo needs to be designed first, right? He saw my message but didn’t reply anymore.
This morning, my mother called and she was furious… she asked why I couldn’t pull myself together and just tattoo Matt. I told her what I’ve previously told Matt as well but she didn’t wanna hear it.
She just said it would mean a lot to her and Matt‘s family if I’d do that and that it could be my wedding gift then she hung up. I talked to my brother about it and he just shrugged it off and said "it would be nice of you tho.“
I’m unsure what to do now, as I said I’m not really comfortable with the whole situation, especially because I’ve never been guestspotting, so I never had to travel -let alone get on a plane- with my equipment. But is that just selfish? I mean it would mean a lot to apparently everyone and I’m just saying no?
EDIT:
I do have an actual wedding gift already as they sent out a wishlist with their invitations. There was a point that said Artwork, because they recently moved into a bigger house and apparently they want random artwork to decorate.
I oil painted them a painting i spent several days on, so I also don't plan to give him a voucher as a gift. Matty doesn't have any tattoos as far as I know. I don't know what my mom's problem is with all of this, I think she just wants to "keep the peace."
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
Doktor_Seagull
NTA. If Matt had his heart set on this happening at his wedding then he should have discussed it with you as soon as possible, NOT ONE WEEK BEFORE!! Jeez he knows a tattoo is permanent right? He wants you to just show up with kit in an unsterile environment and what, just wing out a design on him? No prep, no planning? All on his wedding day?
It would have been better he has contacted you and gotten the tattoo done before the wedding, then he could have revealed with at the ceremony, all healed etc. Getting it done on the day, for what reason? This just seems silly AF.
But mainly, not your problem. He should have given you more notice. That's on him. Maybe offer to do it at your shop after the wedding? Tell them you'll look for inspiration for the design at their wedding so it can be unique to their day?
Suspicious-Fruit243 OP:
I especially don’t understand why I should tattoo at a wedding since you can’t (or shouldn’t) combine getting tattooed with drinking alcohol and knowing Matt, there will be plenty of alcohol at this wedding.
Ignantsage
My guess is he probably tried to get someone else to do it closer to the venue and either for the reasons you mentioned or because of cost he’s just decided you should to it, for… sentimental reasons. Regardless NTA for not doing something you are uncomfortable with.
Suspicious-Fruit243 OP:
This is so sad to think of, but yea maybe you’re right?
teresajs
NTA. It's inappropriate of him to expect you to work for free at an event to which you're a guest. Are you even licensed to tattoo in the other state? The entire thing sounds ludicrous.
Tell your cousin your hourly rate (build in the PIA rate for hauling your equipment) and he needs to cover your flights and hotel. After all, flying in a trained professional to perform a service costs money. Oh, and he needs to pay up front since this is a special service.
Three days later, the OP returned with an update.
Suspicious-Fruit243
So the last hours have been a lot First of I called my mom and WOW she asked me again, this time very friendly, if I want to tattoo Matty at his wedding & again I said no, with all the reasons I’ve previously given her + some of the very good points you guys had.
Before she could say anything else, I added that I felt like she wouldn’t take me & tattooing seriously. She didn’t say anything for a bit until she tried to explain that she really thought it wasn’t a big deal.
I told her again that it is and that my mom of all the people should know how my job works. She agreed and apologised profusely. I then asked her if she’d like to attend and watch me work on a clients appointment and to my surprise she said yes! (Mom is tagging along tomorrow)
Now to Matty or rather his bride: I finally got hold of the bride, let’s say her name is Becky, and asked her about the request her fiancé confronted me with. She seemed surprised as she apparently had heard from my aunt that I made them something for their new house.
She assumed it would be a painting since I’m "the artist“ of the family and it’s known that I also paint. I confirmed that, but that Matty has come forward with this out of the blue and that it’s not a good idea for many reasons.
She agreed with me immediately (I think she does have tattoos) She thanked me for telling her as no one else did. Becky seemed really mad but she seemed to pull herself together. (I would’ve lost it.)
I’m assuming Becky confronted Matt after our call because only 3 to 4 hours later I checked the family groupchat and there was a message from Becky: "There will be no ceremony on the 13th as Matt and I decided we aren’t getting married. Matt and I have things to figure out so please text or call us tomorrow if you have questions, for the rest of the day we’ll be on flight mode.“
After dinner Becky called me and apologised for Matt again, she said it was a stupid idea of his and that he just thought it would be cool. She then informed me that she still wants me to fly over for the wedding day as she will be hosting a party instead of a wedding.
Everything is paid for anyway and she doesn’t want anything to go to waste. I asked if they broke up "not yet, but I’m gonna stay at my sisters place until next week“. I’m assuming Matt hasn’t been too great but I’m sure I’ll hear about it. (Apparently my brother and my mom aren’t invited lol.)
My call must’ve been the last straw but as far as I am concerned Becky is handling it gracefully and Matt will be okay too, I’m sure. So I’m going to a party but did I just make a new friend? Thanks y’all for having my back!
Four days later, the OP returned with another update.
Suspicious-Fruit243
Welcome back, I’m finally done writing this! Thanks to everyone coming back and reading this, I appreciate y’all and loooove that you are enjoying the tea! So because a lot of you wanted to know how the bring-your-mom-to-work-day was: I picked her up in the morning and we headed to the studio.
I showed her around, told her a few background stories about some of the artworks and photos that are hanging on our walls and explained her my routine as I prepared everything.
My client arrived and I handled it like I usually would, just with my mom sitting there lol. I explained every step of the process and she also asked me questions about my ink, needles, technique etc.
It was a lot of fun having her around and she really did surprise me with her openness and interest. When I was done with tattooing my mother had to leave for work, but thanked and hugged me for bringing her along, as she not only enjoyed spending time with me but also loved seeing me doing my job so professionally and said that she sees my work and efforts now.
to the wedding/party: The party started at 14:00 as the ceremony was cancelled. I arrived and was immediately welcomed by Becky’s sister. She hugged me and helped me with my painting.
Everyone was outside, drinking and having a small bite already. I went to say hi to Becky and she hugged me warmly. She seemed tired but otherwise fine. Becky was also smiling a lot, which surprised me.
I went to mingle as I didn’t want to start off with questioning her lol. I met a lot of her friends and apparently the most of them weren’t too fond of Matt. I heard a few things of how he tried to change Becky to be "more like his ex“ and stuff like that… not a great look Matty.
Speaking of, not a single friend or relative of Matt was around. (besides me and one other cousin) Later as we sat down to eat, I asked if could join Becky’s table. They said yes, so I was sitting with Becky, her sister and three of her friends. I introduced myself to one of them (haven’t talked to him before) and Becky added that I’m Matts cousin, the one who was supposed to tattoo.
A simultaneous "OH“ came from everyone. And with that, the conversation was about Matt from the get-go. I asked what happened. The sister just rolled her eyes and was like "what didn’t?“
Becky & friends told me: A while ago Matt has apparently started to pick on Becky for being herself in various ways. It started small like asking her to change her sports routine from workouts to only running, then he criticised her cooking as he prefers to eat more meat and more "traditionally“. (???)
They discussed these topics and it always seemed fine, but he didn’t stop. He asked her if she couldn’t let her hair grow or get extensions and speaking of hair, if she couldn’t get them brighte (Becky has shoulder long black hair).
More and more seemed to pile up until he also started to make comments along the line of "can’t you be more like my ex“. As I understand it he didn’t say it specifically , but it was clear he meant it like that. (his ex is from Texas)
I was shocked, I asked why she didn’t break up because of that but Becky explained that in the situations it didn’t seem as bad as when you list those reasons. She had also made a few changes to "make Matty happy“ but continued to do what she wanted most of the time.
Time went on and the issues resurfaced again and again in different ways. The last big fight was only a few weeks ago, when Matty called Becky by his exes name.. they somehow settled this so let’s skip forward to when I called Becky about the tattoo idea.
After our call she went up to Matt and asked him why he didn’t talk to her about it and why he would just decide doing something like that on their wedding day he explained that he wanted to surprise her and stuff like that.
Becky went on telling him this wasn’t happening and that she wanted to be able to enjoy the wedding AND their honeymoon. Again they seemed to agree in the end and he apologised.
BUT LATER (this almost threw me) as Becky was starting to cook dinner and Matt was sitting at the counter they talked about tattoos again (apparently really chill discussion about tattoos in general) and Becky asked him playfully what he intended on getting tattooed.
He gestured across HIS CHEST and said „ I want my birth date, our wedding date and your birth date, so [insert his bd], [06.13.2024], [insert bd]“. Becky said she went blind for a millisecond.
That third date, was in fact not her birthday. She asked him again and he repeated the same dates. She then said that this isn’t her birth date, he persisted that it was and that she should stop trying to fool him.
She said she started to cry and ran to get her purse to show him her drivers license, that’s when his face slipped. He tried to get out of it by making excuses that he isn’t good with dates etc but Becky just went straight to her phone and checked Facebook.
She found his exes profile showing HER BIRTHDAY. It was the date he would have gotten TATTOOED ON HIS CHEST, if I hadn’t said no and also called Becky. My dumb cousin would’ve ended up with the birthday of his ex girlfriend next to his wedding date.
Becky said he more or less told him it was over and that this is enough. She started to immediately reorganise the whole wedding and honeymoon while kicking him out of the house.
A bit later she called me back. She also mentioned that she didn’t want to say what happened on the phone as she thought I might tell my family and she really didn’t want to hear about it. Fair, I get that. Becky changed the honeymoon booking and is now taking her best friend.
Also if you’re wondering, Becky’s dad is currently the owner of their house as they agreed to slowly pay him back, due to his financial wealth and stability that made more sense this way. As far as I know Becky is going to stay there.
Anyway, that’s the tea folks. This was truly a wild ride and I am pretty sure Becky and I are going to be good friends, we really hit it off! I don’t have much dignity left for Matt so I’m not sure I’ll keep the contact at all. PS: Becky loved my painting!
Mini Update:
Suspicious-Fruit243
Hi everyone! Not sure if anyone still cares, but I thought I’d give a tiny update on how everything went. First of all, since that question came up a few times; I’m a woman! — Well Becky and her bestie went to Bali as they (re)planned.
During her vacation we texted quite a bit! Then they came back and we were still texting.. First it was all very superficial and polite as she thanked me for telling her about the whole tattoo thing, that I showed up to the party anyways and that I still gifted her my painting etc.
We got into other stuff like music, movies and hobbies, we have a lot in common! Turns out she is just as nerdy as me, so we could connect over Anime and different games (I never had a female friend to share these interests!!!) She’s also coming over for a few days next week, I’m super excited!
Anyways I am super happy how everything went and to see that Becky is doing very good without my cousin lol. I think she’s truly relieved and is beautifully blooming! Thanks guys for all your messages and comments, I really appreciate it!
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's final post:
Sunflower-and-Dream
OP traded in her loser cousin for a new friend, not a bad trade so far.
Wren1101
Thanks for the update! What a wild ending! Becky certainly put up with a lot before the tipping point. I was wondering if you know how long Becky and Matt dated before the wedding day??
It seems crazy that he would be so sure of the wrong birthday. Like have they celebrated Becky’s birthday before? Has he ever said happy birthday to her on the wrong day? Either way I’m glad it came out and y’all are living your best lives now without Matt’s douchiness clouding the way.
LucyAriaRose
Honestly things seem to have turned out well for OP! New friend, her mom understands what she does better, AND she didn't have to tattoo her jerk of a relative lol.
RattusRattus
I still can't get over the idiot thinking he's going to get a chest piece at his wedding and just keep rocking. It's a freaking wound, it oozes and bleeds and hurts. The wrong birthday was just the cherry atop the sundae.
paulinaiml
I love when the updates focus on growth rather than keep the dumpster fire going.