'AITA for not bringing my niece shopping after she was extremely rude/mean to me, even if she 'apologized'?'
"AITA for not bringing my niece shopping after she was extremely rude/mean to me, even if she 'apologized'?"
I do not have kids, and I also have not really had a lot of experience dealing with kids before my niece. I don’t have younger siblings or cousins, I never babysat, etc. I’m explaining this because this is my blind spot and why I’m posting.
About a month ago, my niece “Gabby” and I were at the park together. I like to spend time with her and usually take her out to do things just the two of us every couple of weeks.
While we were at the park, I was talking about an event I am going to attend with my boyfriend of a few years. She asked to see my dress, so I showed her a picture of me in it.
She made a “yucky” face and said “That’s soooooooo ugly. You look really fat. Isn’t [[my boyfriend]] gonna think it's bad?” I was so hurt. She’s only 13! I’m not even a big girl in any sense. I have fat on my body, but I am definitely not fat.
My sister was surprised and said she would talk to her. A few days later she had Gabby come over to apologize. From my POV, it was not sincere. She was rolling her eyes and looked angry and just got out the words. I told her thank you for apologizing and then told them to leave. I have not gone out my way to spend time with her since.
I had told Gabby that I would take her shopping for the summer and we’d pick out fun stuff together. I look forward to doing things like this with her. Well, not really anymore.
When we were at my mom’s house for mother’s day, Gabby asked me when we would go. After her stunt I’ve changed my mind. I said that she probably has plenty of summer clothes to wear. She was upset and said “But I said I was sorry!” over and over.
I told her that I know she said she was sorry but just because someone says they’re sorry to you doesn’t mean that your actions are forgiven. That you have to prove to the other person you won’t do it again, and she hasn’t.
My mom and sister say I’m expecting adult behavior from a child and that it was ridiculous to cancel the shopping date. I am apparently beefing with a child at my big age. They said that she apologized and hasn’t said anything else rude to me since. They asked how long I’m going to hold it against her.
I really don’t know how to take this. I trust their judgment most of the time. But this was just an outright mean thing from her. I am worried that as she grows up this behavior will continue and she will turn out to be a bully. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA, I think 13 is old enough to understand right from wrong and this will be a good life lesson for your niece, she can learn that her words and actions have consequences. She doesn't regret what she said, she just regrets that it ruined her shopping spree.
Exactly. “I said I was sorry!” Is what every bully says when they get called out. Spoiler: they’re only sorry they got caught/called out, not for the actual offense. Mean girls suck, and they’ll see consequences of being a stinker if they keep it up.
Like they got out the erase and wiped off the chalkboard and don't see why everyone's still looking at them.... Very irritating. It's different story when an adult has meaningfully apologize for something and wants to move on. It's still up to the receiver as to whether that's enough, but that's behavior they will have thought of themselves and willingly engaged in.
Your mother can take her shopping. 13 is old enough to know better than to talk like that. You don't owe her a shopping trip. She needs to learn a lesson from this. The lesson is that actions have consequences.
If one of my daughter's did something like that I'd be so embarrassed. I would of stopped the shopping trip myself. I don't understand how adults can excuse things like this.
Grandmamma advice. The way that children learn proper treatment of others is to be allowed to truly feel the consequences when they fail to do so. Tell your mother and sister that your niece is old enough to learn that others sometimes need time to recover when they are treated badly.
Your next outing needs to be to go out for a meal, coffee, or a walk to discuss the fact that she is no longer a little kid, and that she will have a responsibility going forward to treat you in the way that she would like to be treated, just like in any other close relationship.
It takes two people to have a friendship or familial relationship, and it is time for her to begin to learn how to walk in the world. Later you can make a date for a shopping trip.
NTA. 13 is old enough to know FAFO and that consequences have actions. You should tell your sister that she should use this as an opportunity to have a conversation with her daughter that no one likes a mean girl and it’s not an apology if the body language and nonverbal cues aren’t in alignment.
Then you should look your sister, mother, and niece in the eyes and say sorry while rolling your eyes and looking preoccupied. But that’s the pettiness in me lol.
NTA. Sorry, but 13 year olds are NOT babies in this age. They know exactly what they are doing and saying. My niece at 13 was a vicious person, she knew just what to say to hurt someone and enjoyed it.
You don't owe her a trip out or have to spend time with her. And your sister and mother are a-holes for trying to guilt you instead of showing your niece actions have consequences.
NTA. Teachable moment - actions have consequences and people have feelings. She hurt you, the words "I'm sorry" are not a magic formula that make the hurt disappear. (Remember the exercise with the broken plate?) Relationships are a two-way street. It's about time she learned that.
I wouldn't go out of your way to be cold to her, but neither would I initiate any fun aunt-niece activities, at least until you judge that she gets it and actually is sorry instead of just apologizing to satisfy parents/escape punishment.
NTA. Raising my 13 year old nephew and have been since he was 5. Also have a LOT of younger cousins that have looked up to me and I have spent time with over the years. You’re not obligated to take her shopping. But what you should’ve told her is that you didn’t feel her apology was sincere, she rolled her eyes, etc. and while you’re accepting the apology, she’s no longer entitled to go shopping with you.
You don’t want to take her anymore and that’s that. Tough titties. Actions have consequences regardless of if the person apologizes sincerely or not. Don’t give in. What you’d be teaching her if you did is that she can manipulate others into getting what she wants if she just says sorry. Her mother and grandmother can take her shopping.