'I found out my no contact grandmother contacted my ex asking to see my child in secret.'
"I found out my (27f) no contact grandmother (73f) contacted my ex (29m) asking to see my child (2f) in secret."
I cut my grandma off in 2023 after ongoing and escalating boundary issues around my role as a parent.
She repeatedly ignored my decisions and safety boundaries, including pushing unsafe sleep practices, pressuring me to introduce solids before six months, refusing to accept basic safe-sleep practices, physically blocking me from my child during an argument, booking a medical appointment without my consent, and telling others that I was starving my child and was an unfit mother.
This wasn’t a one-off situation but part of a larger pattern of intrusive and increasingly obsessive behavior. Even after I was very clear about boundaries, the behavior continued, which is why I chose no contact
I recently learned that about a year after I cut her off, she contacted my ex (who she strongly disliked when we were together) in an attempt to access my child without my knowledge or consent. I only found out about this now, a year later (this is a separate issue with my ex, who did not tell me at the time).
The message itself was unsettling and crossed serious lines, including asking for secrecy and claiming an unbreakable “bond.” Given the history, this feels creepy, disturbing, and deeply inappropriate. The message said (fake names used): “Please keep this between you and me! I hope you are doing well! I’m so sad about what happened between you and Sarah!
As you know, Sarah and Anna mean the world to me and I want the best for them. I’m sure you know I haven’t seen them for almost a year and I’m heartbroken! I can’t even describe it! I still have hope they’ll come back to me one day! I’m reaching out to see if you would bring Anna to visit me?
My heart literally aches to see her! We have a bond that can never be taken away. I promise I won’t cause any trouble for you! I know things must be difficult for you, however a child can never have too much love. Thanks so much, anxiously awaiting your reply.” My ex said that he did not respond to her and just remembered the text because he saw her in public the other day in the distance.
Regardless, her attempt alone is alarming and feels like another serious boundary violation. At this point, if anything were said, it would be very formal, carefully worded, and focused on clearly stating boundaries and possibly consequences, rather than reopening communication.
I’m looking for outside perspective on whether I should do or say anything, whether my mom should address it since she’s very willing, or if it’s best to leave it alone as it’s been a year since it was sent, and keep maintaining no contact.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
ScarcityFew9256 wrote:
I’d keep maintaining no contact. its outrageous she actually went through with that but if you are confident he didn’t let her see her than I’d let it be. She got the message and hopefully will learn (by doubtful with these kind of people). Do not listen to anybody saying “grandmothers love is important and she js getting old” grandma’s actions did this.
She was not respectful to you and your boundaries. Just because she’s old doesn’t mean anything. You won’t even think about a what if in the future bc you know you saved your daughter from her.
OP responded:
Thank you for this perspective. I totally agree that her age doesn’t matter. She had crossed so many lines. I am shocked in a way but at the same time, this behaviour checks out and I feel more validated now for going now contact. If I did reach out to her, I’m worried she would try to play victim or escalate things more. Who knows what else she would try to do.
outloud230 wrote:
Get a copy of her message, print it so you have hard copies, and file a police report. You may want to seek a TRO preventing her from contact with your child. Let daycare/schools know that grandmother is to have no contact. Because she tried pushing I’d get something done legally to absolutely block her from slithering around any obstacles.
Kevix-230 wrote:
The person is a narc. This means she knows what she is doing and is trying to create a relationship with your child to use it against you. This person is dangerous.
lyndrosveil wrote:
That’s a huge boundary violation, even a year later. I wouldn’t engage at all.
misseff230 wrote:
I would maintain no contact and take this and any other documentation you have (especially anything that involves calling you an unfit mother etc.) and go to your local police precinct and ask them if you can formally document these incidents to create a paper trail in case she escalates.
I'm sorry if that sounds alarmist, but I've seen this kind of thing escalate unpredictably even years later. There's no way to know who else she's saying things to that might cause problems for you down the line. Formally documenting it won't cause any issues or lead to legal trouble for her but it could protect you in the future. I'm really sorry you're dealing with this.
nalakath wrote:
A grandmother’s love is beautiful. She is in her seventies. I pray you reconcile and give her another chance to spend some time with you and her great grand child. She might have. After years left.
Talk to her openly about your concerns but in a soft and non argument mode. The way they have grown is totally different from the current days. For example, solids before 6 months was totally fine. It still is actually :) Give her another chance, I am sure you won’t regret it. All the best!
OP responded:
Thanks, however this wasn’t a one-time issue or a difference of opinion and quite frankly I don’t care that she is in her 70s. It was an ongoing pattern of intrusive behavior that escalated over time (that even goes beyond what I have wrote here) and included trying to go around me to access my child, which is absolutely not okay in any way.
I’m not open to giving another chance and my sole focus is protecting my child. I’m simply looking for perspectives on maintaining boundaries.