'AITA for no longer sending my dad money out of my paychecks because I found out he moved a woman and her kids in with him?'
"AITA for no longer sending my dad money out of my paychecks because I found out he moved a woman and her kids in with him?"
I (20m) have been sending my dad money since I moved out a couple of years ago. To be even more honest I was taking care of my dad and not the other way around. He spends all day watching tv and he's on disability which is how we afforded things when I was growing up but things was tight.
We didn't have a lot and I got good at finding ways to make food and money stretch for us. Even though I never made a ton of money, I did want to help my dad out so I'd give him some money biweekly when I could (which was most of the time) and I helped him get groceries and stuff.
In August my dad was around less and I thought he was maybe finally getting out a little. Then in October I found out he was dating someone and he moved her and her kids in and they were all expecting me to send money and were all using it.
I told dad I knew and he told me he didn't see why it was such a big deal. I told him I was taking care of him, my dad, not some strangers. He told me they're not strangers and one day they will be my family. I told him I'm not supporting all of these people. He asked if I'd leave him struggling worse than before and I told him that wasn't my problem.
I said I took care of him because I loved him but it was time he learned to stand on his own two feet and I asked if he even cared whether I was doing okay or not, because expecting me to support someone else's family at 20 was insane. I told him there was going to be no more money.
He won't stop asking for it and asking why I want to punish him for finding some happiness. I even got some text from someone I assume is his girlfriend where she called me a terrible son and family member and took offense to my attitude about dad finding love and being a good dad to more kids. I blocked that number because I didn't want to deal.
The last time dad called me he wanted to figure out a way for me to send money again and his girlfriend was yelling that she wanted to talk to me but I made it clear I was hanging up if she took over.
I told him there were two adults now and they could figure it out because I'm done. My dad said I was abandoning him and it hurt because he wanted me to be happy for him and help him like the good son I have always been. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA, one or both need to get a job. I'm guessing they're both complete bums though.
There's a reason he didn't tell you and made you figure it out. You don't need to fund his happiness. The children have fathers that should be helping.
NTA...They need to grow up...at least his girlfriend...how was she surviving before she met your dad...Save that money...when she drains him out you will have to keep him afloat.
Zachilinski (OP)
I wondered that too. I know my dad relied heavily on me but I ask myself what she did. Not my problem though and if that no longer works because she's with my dad she should put her kids first and go back to providing for them.
His girlfriend is a bigger leech than your father. How sad she's trying to strong arm someone else's kid to fund her and her spawn. NTA. Take that money and put in a savings account. Worry about your own future not that of 2 lazy bums.
NTA. If he moved someone in on the promise that you would take care of them too, he's an even worse dad. If she moved in with him because she thought she was going to get someone she's never met to take care of her and her kids she's a horrible person.
Please start living your life. Take the money you earn and start building a life for yourself. You've done far more than you need it to. We had a drill sergeant who used to say. Don't mistake my kindness for weakness. That's what your dad has done.
Zachilinski (OP)
I like that. I also think that would work with don't mistake my love for you for weakness. Because that also really fits me with my dad.
NTA. You were generously helping your dad out of love, not obligation, and it was never your responsibility to support his new partner and her kids. Expecting a 20-year-old to bankroll multiple adults is unreasonable. Setting boundaries around your money is completely valid — you’re allowed to prioritize your own financial stability.
Your dad finding happiness doesn’t mean you have to put yourself in a stressful position, and his girlfriend calling you names crosses a line. You’re not abandoning him; you’re enforcing a healthy boundary. Real love and support shouldn’t come at the cost of your own well-being.
I escaped a family of lazy wastrels as well. It's weird. I feel like it's something to be ashamed of, a bit, even though I got out, but that they might turn up somewhere drunk, vomiting, yelling, bawling about "supporting family" and lamenting whatever it is they last wasted their benefit money on. I'm sorry he was able to use you for so long. Glad you caught on.
Please explain to your Dad that you really are happy for him that he found love and a new family. Tell him that you really are happy that he finally got his feet under him again and got his life on track again. You are happy that he is happy. You are happy that he is now doing so well that he believes he can support a gf and her children. Or, you are so happy that he has a gf supporting him now, helping him pay his bills.
Explain you will be there for him always, just not financially anymore. Times are tough. Everything is more expensive all the time. You just can’t afford to support two households anymore. You don’t have the money for that. Ultimately, it’s not your responsibility. He has a roommate to split living expenses with now. He doesn’t need your money anymore.