Woman's temporary favor becomes a 2.5-year nightmare of housing her unemployed ex. AITA?
"AITA for no longer wanting to allow my now ex partner of almost a year to stay at my apartment because she’s not currently stable enough to get a place of her own?"
My ex gf (33F) and I (31F) first met in a whirlwind romance in May of 2023. A few months into dating she fell on hard times and I offered to let her stay with me for a few months while she got on her feet.
I am an extremely independent person and love living on my own and having my own space is very important to me but I really cared for her and wanted to help at the time especially with the expectation that it would only be a few months.
However, a few months has now turned into 2 and a half years and we technically broke up almost a year ago. Throughout her time here she’s had several jobs however, the positions were seasonal and/or didn’t align with her morally so she quit.
When she first arrived I was of course not charging her rent as I was genuinely trying to help her get on her feet. However, after living with me rent free for almost a year I realized she probably wouldn’t have the means to move out on her own anytime soon so we began to go half on rent and expenses.
However, it only lasted maybe 5 months until we officially called it quits and she couldn’t afford to pay her half and save up to move out because she’s only been able to hold down a part time position for some time now. So she is still struggling.
I feel bad she is in this position still but my lease for this apartment is up in October and I planned to end it and start my solo journey as I am ready to move on with my life and start anew.
However, I am conflicted with what I know I deserve and desire (which is separate lives) and doing “what’s right.” My ex has expressed that her financial instability makes her feel scared for her future, she fears she will end up homeless if I stop carrying the load for her as she doesn’t have any friends and she’s not close with her family.
She feels like because we are not toxic, have healthy communication and get along for the most part that she doesn’t see why I can’t just continue to help her out until she is stable enough to do so on her own.
She often gets emotional and upset about the reality of having to figure out her living situation in the next few months and reminds me that if it were her in my shoes she would continue to help her ex for as long as they needed.
I can fully understand her fear but it’s been almost 2 and a half years of me supporting her and I really need to know if AITA for no longer wanting to house my now ex partner of almost a year?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Manipulation 101… She’s 31. She’s big enough to take care of herself. You’ve carried her for a full year after breaking up. She’s gonna ride this gravy train until she gets kicked off. Let her know that when your lease is up you’re leaving and she can prepare. She has almost 4 months.
NTA you're not helping, you're enabling her.
NTA. You have no more obligation to her than you would to any roommate at the end of the lease. In fact, you are giving her several month's notice that you do not intend to renew the lease. She's a flake and a taker. My guess is she has worn out her welcome with family and friends over the last 12-15 years.
She "falls on hard times" every few months because she doesn't WANT to be self-sufficient. She's been free to quit "morally questionable" jobs because you're there paying the bills. I'd say THAT is "morally questionable" especially when you're no longer a couple.
NTA. Any gender can be a hobosexual & your ex partner is one. Go ahead & start apt/house shopping, set an end date for her living there & even go so far as official eviction notice! Cover all your bases & cover your butt.
NTA... she is an adult and can figure it out. She can work 2 or 3 jobs if she needs too. She is what we call a hobosexual. She found an easy mark and took you for all she could.
NTA. You helped way more than most people ever would. This isn’t your responsibility anymore. You’re not her backup plan — you deserve your own space and peace.
If she'd stop quitting jobs for 'moral reasons', this should mitigate this risk. Honestly, only people who are being floated by the kindness of others do stuff like quit jobs when they have no other job lined up.
She might be really ill-equipped to adult and all, but it is LONG past the time of that being your responsibility. Just look at the fact that you offered housing 'for a few months' and she is still there years later. She is HAPPY to be leeching off of you, and is using emotion and pity to keep you compliant.
Oh and here's the kicker...
"reminds me that if it were her in my shoes she would continue to help her ex for as long as they needed."
Hard for her to do that with no income. Convenient that this hypothetical position she is adopting is that it's proper to help out 'as long as they need'. Um ok, so infinitely?
NTA, she will never be stable because she relies on you to keep herself in the hole she's in. Why change when you've got free room and board? Why change if you know you've got someone to take care of you?
I'm in an industry that has done morally questionable things for decades. I don't do morally questionable things, my company doesn't either (at this point), and I have bills to pay and no one to give me money, food, and shelter.
That's adulthood, unfortunately. Kick her out. She needs to fly on her own, or crash to the ground. Either outcome is not your responsibility. Come on, OP. You knew all this when you posted. Kick her out already NTA except to yourself for tolerating this so long.