'AITA for telling my daughter's father we are not a family?' Updated 3X
"AITA for telling my daughter's father we are not a family?"
tasinglemom
I(33F) am a single mother to a six year old girl. I've raised my daughter all on my own. She was born from a one night stand with a now former friend(37M). We never got together and he refused to be involved in my pregnancy or my daughter's first 4 years of life.
I was stressed out emotionally because its a big change, but I never asked for child support or force him to be involved. I have enough income to send my daughter to private school. I'm perfectly fine on my own.
The issue started when he reappeared from wherever he went and decided he wanted visitation. He's not in my daughter's birth certificate. Father is listed as 'unknown'. He wanted to have that amended. I said no, and that if he wants, best he'll get is to meet her in outings with myself or my daughter's godparents.
He agreed, but he's been constantly pressuring getting parental rights. Court already gave him a big fat no, unless he pays 4 years of child support which with his income goes somewhere around 230k USD. He hasn't paid a cent.
My daughter doesn't even call him dad. Or recognize him as dad. She calls him 'mister'. I keep it very clean. I never bad talked him, never made up stories. When she asked about her father I used to say it was just the two of us. Even during court the assigned CPS agent testified that my daughter had no affection or clear relationship with her biological father.
Now the main issue happen in a PTA meeting. He would say things like 'my family thinks' or 'what is best for my family'. I didn't agree with him and I voiced by saying 'my daughter' has different needs and those are priority. He was clearly angry.
After the meeting there was a moment for teachers and parents to mingle and just talk how the kids are doing. One of the teachers approach me to apologize, saying she didn't know 'my husband and I' didn't like a project she was doing with the kids.
I told her I had no husband and my daughter loved the project and wants to be part of it. The teacher then told me that my former friend was going around talking like he's my husband and he 'represents the family'.
I saw red. I walked to him and very loudly told him we needed to talk in private. In the parking lot I told him we were not a family and that he either will respect I am the only one that can make decisions on my daughter's education or he won't be involved.
He went on about being her biological father, then I reminded him he had not paid a cent for the pregnancy, my daughter's needs, or even the private school my daughter is in. He hasn't tried to see my daughter since, which she doesn't mind at all. I asked her. I do feel a bit bad about what I said. AITA?
I wanted to add this because the PMs are driving me insane: He has the money to pay child support. He chose -not- to pay. He was NEVER prohibited from being involved. He had my phone number. I sent him picture and invited him to birthdays and other big celebrations. He never came. PSA: We are not in the US.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
MaxTheCookie
Why is he in a PTA meeting with you? Have you told the school that he can't pick her up? NTA, he decided to leave and did not support you during the pregnancy or the first 4 years of her life. He is not a parent. He might be the "father" in the sense that he is the bio parent but he is not a father to you daughter.
The OP responded here:
tasinglemom
He actually forced himself into the meeting. I wanted to give it a chance for him to be involved. I didn't expect him to act this way though.
analyst19
NTA. If the courts have decided he does not have parental rights, then you need to contact the school security to make sure he doesn’t get to be involved with your daughter. You may also consider getting a protective order.
A week later, the OP returned with an update.
"My daughter's father wants to use her as 'therapy' for his wife"
tasinglemom
I (33F) going to pre-face this by saying my six years old daughter's father (37M), I'm going to call him Jeff, has never been my romantic partner. We had a one night stand. I don't like people calling him my ex, since it makes it seem we had some kind of emotional attachement.
He was never involved after I told him I was pregnant, and actually wanted me to terminate the pregnancy, but I decided to raise my child alone since I have enough money to raise her without child support.
For the whole pregnancy and the first four years, Jeff was not in the picture. On my mother's recommendation, I did send him pictures and invited him to special events, but he always replied he had no interest in my daughter.
Two years ago he reappeared and began demanding parental rights. When I didn't do what he wanted, he sued, and was told no, he was not getting parental rights. He was given the offer to pay child support and then we can revisit giving him actual rights, but he has refused. He has the money, much more than me, but he refuses.
I still offered to let him see my daughter in a casual manner, no child support needed, with the agreement anything legal, medical, or educational will not involve him. He pushed the boundaries and we had a fallout. After that, we didn't hear from him for almost 6 weeks before he called to meet for Christmas.
After much discussion, I agreed to bring my daughter over on the condition my daughter's godparents could come. Thus we went over for christmas dinner. And finding out Jeff is married and had never told his family he had a child. It was great to be judged by a bunch of strangers.
It was uncomfortable the whole time. I'm going to use fake names, but let's say my daughter's name is Katie. His wife kept calling my daughter Gabrielle. Not the actual name she used, but it was that different to my daughter's name.
The wife was also very physical, trying to pick up my daughter or parent her. I would block her or tell her to please let me deal with my child. The whole time she pretty much ignored me.
But Katie didn't seem nervous so I decided to just bid my time. I hit my limit when my daughter said she needed the bathroom and this stranger went: "Oh Gaby you need pottie? Let mommy change you."
My daughter hasn't worn diapers in a while now and she's more than capable of going alone to the bathroom. I immediately told her to stay away from my daughter and that we were leaving.
The woman starting wailing that I was kidnapping her 'baby girl' and tried to lunge at me. Her in-laws got in the middle and hold her, consoling her and saying that we weren't leaving and for her to calm down like she was the victim.
At that point I just glared at Jeff and told him he better explain or I would be calling the police. He asked me to speak in private in another room and that I could just leave my daughter with his parents. No way that would ever happen. Katie's godparents took her with them despite the wife having a full meltdown.
Jeff and I spoke outside and he explained that he and his wife recently lost a daughter. I'm not going to give specific details on that, all I'll say it was sudden and nobody's fault. And as I can only imagine it had caused some psychological issues to his wife.
Apparently he had the brilliant idea that having Katie pass as their lost child would help his wife. Without telling me. And that's why he wanted visitations and parental rights.
He pleaded for me to leave my daughter with him for 'a little bit'. I asked him what was his plan when his wife 'heals'. His response was disgusting: "Well, I'll just send Katie back with you and it will be just like before."
I told him he was insane if he thought I would let him use my daughter like that. What his wife needs is therapy with a professional, not feeding her delusions. And I would not let that woman within miles from my daughter.
He told me I was being cruel and didn't know the pain of losing a child. I agreed with him, but reminded Jeff that my priority is not his family; it's my child. What he and his family do to work through their grief has nothing to do with us.
I also told him to call his lawyer because I am making sure he never has contact with my child. So that's what I'm bracing for. He's been blasting my phone since Christmas, but I can easily ignore him. My daughter and I are doing a small travel vacation.
This isn't an update, just something I feel needs to be said: My daughter is set for life monetarily. She has a trust and I make really good money in my position. If she was 18 right now, I could put her through college without a loan.
She doesn't need child support for quality of life. If I could get child support and never worry about her father trying something, I would be suing him in a heartbeat. But after talking to a lawyer and realizing the risk, I've taken the decision that child support, or possible inheritance, is not worth my child's safety. SAFETY is always first.
1/6/2024 Hey Everyone. Happy New's Years. This isn't so much a real update as just letting people know we are home and safe. My daughter is spending the rest of her vacation with her godparents on another trip while I work on things.
Moving might be something I'll be looking into, though that is a long term plan considering all it takes. I won't share too many details on what my lawyer is going to be doing but we are absolutely going to push for an RO.
I might not post for some time. At least not until things settled. I do appreciate all the support and good advice. I'm taking a lot of it into account as I plan how to move forward.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's first update:
jerzey4life
Sounds like they live in delulu land. Your are 100% right to set these boundaries. Just do yourself a favor and make sure your lawyer knows what’s up next week and be prepared to get that order of protection ready.
The OP responded here:
tasinglemom
He found out on the 26th. I send him an email and he called me in minutes after.
Serafirelily
You should probably get a restraining order since I can definitely see him, his wife or other family members trying to kidnap your daughter. I would show pictures to her school and other caretakers and let them know the situation.
Your daughter's sperm donor is dealing with some grief issues of his own and like his wife has gone off the deep end. You need to get protection in place ASAP since most children are kidnapped by family.
Almost two weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
"My daughter's father wants to use her as 'therapy' for his wife UPDATE"
tasinglemom
Hey everyone, I decided to post a last update, since I will be going full silent for a long period. For those that didn't know, I'm right now dealing with my daughter's father and his delusion. He wants to use my daughter as a 'therapy doll' for his wife that recently lost a child.
A lot people were worried for my daughter and me, and I truly appreciate it. We're both safe, she's currently having a great vacation with her godparents, and I'm currently making my own arrangements to move on.
My lawyer is working hard on keeping everything in order. I know a cease and desist was his first action and we are going for no contact. He says we have a solid case and hopefully this will be resolve relatively fast. And by that I mean a year or two. We did get a temporary restraining order. It's only until our first court date, but after it could be extended.
I haven't had direct contact with 'Jeff'. He lawyered up too and tried to send a threat to take full custody. My lawyer laughed at it since his reasoning was 'parental alienation'.
Except I have proof I tried for years to have him involved. Apparently turning in a few emails showing my attempts was enough to get them to change 'parental alienation' to a different reasoning. My lawyer is not worried in all honesty.
For now I've decided after much thinking that moving is going to be necessary. It won't be something I can do on a whim, but I'll be looking into new houses within the month to hopefully move some time this year.
School will remain the same, but we will be speaking to the admin to make sure only certain people can pick her up. And part of that decision has been to hire a private driver.
He's someone I absolutely trust and has worked for relatives in the past, so I'm very comfortable with the idea and so is my daughter. Now I just have to make sure they don't go for fast food every day after school.
Things in all honesty are not that scary right now. I have a good lawyer, good evidence, and my little girl is happy and healthy, so I'm just going to focus on working things little by little. Because of the legal procedings I don't think I'll be posting any updates any time soon.
And to those sending me PMs telling me I'm horrible for keeping my daughter from her father, or telling me I shouldn't have had her in the first place, please kindly speak to the void. I'm too busy.
Hey! Doing an unexpected update. My lawyer just called me to let me know Jeff was arrested. I'm not aware what the charges are. Short of being a mVrD3r, I'll be realistic, he's probably going to be out as soon as his parents post bail.
That said, I have to admit, a petty side of me is rather happy since depending on the circumstances it might help in my bid to get a permanent no contact order.
My daughter is doing great by the way. She's been making her list of new school gear she wants for March (when she goes back to school). I've also been talking to my job about a chance to work in another country. We'll see.
Thank you everyone that has messaged me by PMs. You guys have great recommendations and I read them all. I couldn't keep up with all messages, but the vast amount helped a lot. If anything happens directly on my own case I'll post later on. For now I have a few months before we go into court again.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
Frequent_Couple5498
Oh my goodness. I just went back and read your post and I got chills and was terrified for you and your daughter. Yes his wife needs therapy. But he is disgusting for wanting to use your daughter that way and then send her back when his wife heals and it would be as before. Just wow. He does not deserve any time with your daughter. I'm happy that you guys are safe and healthy.
Ok-Cap592
Right?! Can you imagine if he “borrowed” Katie? She would be so messed up mentally by how that woman would treat her and using a different name?! OMG OP is one smart, amazing, strong woman.
Trying to raise her daughter AND do everything to keep her safe etc.. Worrying about worst case scenario possibilities. I had a thought as I was reading this update. I am also SO glad the father went no contact from the beginning.
I can’t begin to imagine IF he had some sort of involvement, custody and had some sort of rights. OP you are mother of the year! 💕 Wishing you and your daughter the best dealing with this nightmare. Hugs.
ravynwave
Good going, keep your daughter safe. Best wishes to you.
Over two months later, the OP returned with an update.
"My daughter's father sent a priest to harrass me"
asinglemom
I had no intentions to do a new post, but today absolutely took the cake. To those that don't know, my daughter (6yo) was born from a one night stand with Jeff. We were never romantically involved.
It was a simple one night stand and we did use contraceptives, but they failed. It happens. A few months ago Jeff went full psycho and tried to convince me to leave my daughter with him so she could serve as a replacement child for his wife who recently lost their infant daughter. I refused and right now we're in the middle of some legal issues.
Now for today, I thankfully didn't deal with Jeff. Instead he sent a priest to harrass me at work. I'm going to be very blunt, I am completely detached from religion. I'm not an atheist, just don't really like the idea of the Catholic Church (that's the leading religion in my home country). I respect it and most of my family is Catholic so I have a detached respect for church officials.
Today I was doing some paperwork when I got a call about a priest asking for me. I didn't have any meetings scheduled and a lot of times we get visits from clergy asking for donations or participation in events, so I figured that was it. I told the secretary to let him in and things at first seemed rather polite. Shake hands, asking how things were. The usual chit chat.
Then the priest began talking about how it had come to his attention that I was a single woman with a child, and that apparently I lived a life of debauchery and hate. His words. I was taken aback and agreed I was a single mother, but that I didn't see how I lived in debauchery and hate.
The priest then went on about how he knew my daughter is prohibit from spending time with her father and that I'm constantly sleeping around with men instead of living a 'godly' life. How he was worried and thought it would be best I considered giving my daughter a chance to live with a proper family rather than see me sell myself.
Angry was an understatement. I did keep it civil simply because I was at work and I had no intentions of screaming to a religious man at work. I simply told him that my daughter was fine with me, she lived a safe and happy life, my personal affairs were my own, and that I had no intentions of sending her to another household.
I told him that if there was nothing else, he should probably leave as I had other things to attend to. He then show his hand and that's how I know it was Jeff's doing.
The priest told me he didn't think my daughter would be a happy child with me, but her FATHER was well respected in his church and he knew he would raise a proper Christian lady. At that I laugh, and simply said 'no'. I once again recommended he left and if he didn't, I would be calling security.
He left saying he would try to speak to me again when I'm not being 'hysterical'. I told my secretary and our security not to let him into my office again. And I called my lawyer. I don't have audio, but we do have security feed from him walking into my office.
Thank you again to everyone sending well wishes in my previous post. We are still working on that move, but school is back and she's loving it. We still have that temporary restraining order against Jeff and his wife. And school officials know it.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
Prudence_rigby
File a police report for harassment by the priest. Ask your lawyer to write a letter stating that if he tries harrass you again you will be forced to seek legal action. Priest is lucky he didnt get someone like me.
My mouth would have more than implied his child molesting self needed not concern himself with my child. Then I would have asked how many cases his church had, then his region and so on. And that his concern is better served there. Oh man am I angry for you.
The OP responded here:
tasinglemom
Oh we're making a complain to church leadership here. Police won't do anything because of how religion is viewed, so just going to jump over them.
Apprehensive-Two3474
"but her FATHER was well respected in his church and he knew he would raise a proper Christian lady."
You mean the same father that wanted her aborted and left her life to live a life of debauchery and sin? The man that hasn't paid a single red cent to her living? The man who has now put a shadow upon the steps of your church by sending you in here? That man? Kuzco's poison? (had to).
TheKittenPatrol
The father who wants to use his daughter as an object and then discard her again when she’s served her purpose?
Time_Act_3685
He is naked.
"And I work from home, so I always receive her at the front."
Works from home, always at home, gotcha gotcha.
"Instead he sent a priest to harrass me at work [...] I told my secretary and our security not to let him into my office again.
And I called my lawyer. I don't have audio, but we do have security feed from him walking into my office"
Oh whoopsie doodle! Someone scheduled all their posts but forgot to check their details!