'AITA for not being able to support my wife's luxury lifestyle, which led her to leave me and our kids?'
"AITA for not being able to support my wife's luxury lifestyle, which led her to leave me and our kids?"
I’m a husband (36M) and father of two kids (6 and 4). My wife (34F), Marissa, and I have been married for eight years. When we first got together, we agreed on a simple, comfortable life. I work full-time as a mechanical engineer, and after our first child was born, she decided to stay home with the kids. I supported that choice completely.
For a while, things were fine. We weren’t rich, but we had a good life. I kept us afloat financially while she took care of the home and the kids. I never missed a bill. I did everything I could to give our family security.
Marissa started to change after joining a moms’ group in a more affluent part of town. Suddenly, she began comparing our life to others. She said things like “everyone else has nannies and personal trainers” or “why don’t our kids have Montessori enrichment classes.”
She started talking about how we were “settling” and that I wasn’t pushing hard enough to give her the life she deserved. She’s not completely wrong. She did give up her career. She handled the early years of raising our kids. She probably did feel like she lost part of herself.
But her solution was to chase a version of life that just didn’t match our reality. She started spending more and more on expensive skincare, designer bags, and overpriced outings she said helped her feel “normal again.” I asked her to slow down. I showed her the budget. I begged her to understand that I wasn’t withholding anything. We just couldn’t afford it.
She told me I lacked vision. She said she felt like she was dying in suburbia while all her friends were “thriving.” Then one day, she packed up her stuff and left. She moved in with a single friend in the city. She left me with the kids, the mortgage, and no explanation for them other than “Mommy needs a break.”
She still sees them occasionally, but it’s all filtered through this lens of self-discovery. She posts quotes about growth and boundaries while I pack school lunches and fold laundry after 10-hour shifts. She says I never understood her, but I think she stopped trying to understand any of us. So, AITA for not being able to give her the luxury life she wanted?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA, you provided a lifestyle that afforded her to stay home, she wanted more so she should've looked for a job instead of expecting you to pay for said luxury items. The kids were out of the house so she could've gotten a part-time job.
Agree. He supported his family, paid the bills, and gave her the space to stay home with the kids — that’s not “lacking vision,” that’s being a responsible partner. She changed the plan, chased a lifestyle that didn’t match the reality, and then left when he couldn’t fund it. She stopped being part of the team. He's doing the hard stuff, and his kids are lucky to have father like OP.
Time to divorce and downsize so you can work less and be more with the kids and you shouldn't be paying for her single life.
Definitely not the AH. It's one thing to want your partner to strive to be in a better financial situation (save more for retirement, family vacations, things along those lines), but her reasons are incredibly shallow, and as someone else pointed out she is more than capable to get her ass up and work to contribute to the household and her idea of a luxury lifestyle.
YTA for sure. Only a mechanical engineer? Why haven’t you spent 100s of thousands of dollars to get a degree for a higher paying job like doctor or lawyer yet? Seriously though you have a great, well paying career.
Seems like she just wanted an excuse to leave and she proves that by leaving you with the kids. She wasn’t unhappy with the life you provided. She was unhappy being a wife and mom. Also love how she complains you lack vision. Ok what’s her vision? You working harder so that she can spend more? Not so much a vision but something we all want lol.
NTA get divorced and file child support. She wants that lifestyle she has to earn it. Your kids are school age she could have got a part time job. She's selfish and you're better off without her.
NTA. Get a female divorce lawyer, I'm sure she will check on abandonment to impact anything she may fight you for. What is going to Ng to set her off is having to pay you child support 🙂. You have a lot in your favor.
Sorry for the kids that she abandoned them. You guys will be fine without her. Hopefully she will find out after you divorce her that the grass always looks greener on the other side until you get there.
I hope you're covering your bases legally and not wallowing about. Please be sure to document, to get the divorce and custody stuff all worked out legally and established, etc., and then take care of yourself and kids. Maybe you've done all this and more already. Sure hope so! Of course NTA for being normal, also for taking care of your family. Don't let deadbeats back in!
What year are you in to be applying to this? I’ve seen a few people on linked in with it and I’ve read the website but I couldn’t find any information online regarding when to apply. I’m a junior who hopes to go to UVA next year so if it’s something I should do in senior year I’d appreciate knowing ahead of time. - from your post in UVA within the last day.