'AITA for not accepting an apology from my ex-husband's estranged wife?'

"AITA for not accepting an apology from my ex-husband's estranged wife?"

My ex-husband (aka the father of my children) mistreated me, cheated on me and when he left me for someone else he started telling everyone I was mentally ill. He tried to win custody of our children but I was granted temporary sole custody due to his behavior during our divorce and I had evidence to back it up. His mistress fled when he lost custody but a lot of people around him refused to believe he was lying.

The mistreatment during our actual marriage was emotional and verbal. It was physical one time after he left me for his mistress which was the only time it got physical. I called the police and it was why I had sole custody for a period of time.

Unfortunately this did not last and eventually he was given 50% custody. We still share custody today. Five years ago he started dating the woman he's now married to. She believed everything he said about me being mentally ill and awful as a person. He told her I was a horrible mom and the kids were brainwashed into loving me.

She defended him calling me names and she did the same in front of the kids, which the courts did not approve of but did very little to make them stop. She also blamed me for my kids not liking her and being cold and distant with her. It was always my fault and their rejection of her made her treatment of me far worse.

It was hell dealing with the two of them and she was vicious in every interaction with me. I tried to keep my distance but she sought me out. I refused to answer texts. My attorney and the judge did not want me to block her number so I had her muted while they were together.

My ex preferred to save all his harassment and insults for texts and the police and the courts did nothing to stop him. I tried to get an order of no contact and I sent a cease and desist but those did nothing. He's still doing it and I still have zero protection. I can't block him because our kids are still minors and custody is still shared.

But now his marriage is over. His wife had some kind of wakeup call and I don't know the details. Recently she reached out and apologized for how she treated me. She said she now saw that my ex was a liar and he was in the wrong. I didn't reply. There are things you can't apologize for and have it all forgiven and the things she would say to me were awful but saying those things in front of my kids? No going back.

Due to the lack of response she showed up at an event at my kids school right before Christmas and told me we needed to talk and clear the air. I told her we did not need to clear the air and I wasn't going to accept any apologies from her. She was escorted out of the school then by a member of staff because she was causing a scene, one that my kids thankfully were not present to see.

I told a couple of my friends about the apology and following incident and they said I should have accepted it because she was a victim of his lies too and for all I know he did the same to her. They told me I couldn't expect her to believe me over the man she was dating and all the people in his life who believe him over me. They said it was harsh when she could have simply left without ever apologizing.

I would have preferred that. After the hell she helped put me through I have no wish to ease her guilty conscience and my kids want nothing to do with her so it's not like I'm depriving them of anything by refusing. But AITAH?

This is what people had to say to OP:

That-Dragonfly7224 said:

NTA even if she was a victim of his lies and believed you were mentally ill, why would she go out of her way to bully a mentally ill person? she can be sorry all she wants but her making the decision to insult you especially in front of your kids is not worth forgiveness and you don’t owe her anything. it’s not like you’ll ever need to be in each others’ lives.

OP responded:

It's because she knew he was bullying me and so would his family if they saw me, which they didn't. She felt very comfortable saying those awful things. I know she hoped I would be pushed over the edge so she and my ex-husband would have the kids to themselves and the kids would be "saved" from having a mother like me.

United-Manner20 said:

You are not the @$$hole. She was a victim of his lies, but you were a victim of his mistreatment. You are not the same. She contributed to the mistreatment as well. Now that she wants a clear conscience. It doesn’t mean you have to give her that. Good for you.

Murmurmira said:

Nta. It's one thing to believe your husband's words. It's another to go out of your way and be actively terrible to someone. She is a bad person.

Mr_Coco1234 said:

People think they can do anything and then fake apologize to get away with it. If she truly was remorseful, her saying her piece the first time would have been enough. Forcing you to accept her apology is only to rid her guilt and deny that she is a vile piece of sh!t.

OP responded:

A lot of times apologies are for the people who feel bad and not for the people who were wronged. I learn that every few years. But it feels more truthful as I get older.

wpnsc said:

My only thing would be. Could you use her testimony in court to get full custody? Other than that, you are good.

And OP responded:

It won't hold that much weight. Unfortunately it would seemingly take a lot more. If anything her messages and comments should have been enough but it wasn't and she's gone now.