Father with no custody insists new wife be treated as daughter’s mom on Mother's Day. AITA?
"AITA for not acknowledging my SIL as a mom on Mother's Day?"
My SIL(22F) recently married the father of my real older sisters(30f) daughter. My sweet niece, A, is only 8 but has been raised around SIL as her aunt. My relationship with her brother(24m) is not new.
We have been together for 11 years, so my SIL has had my family as a part of hers for a long time. Recently, My SIL got married to A's father(28M) after a day long engagement.
The family was blindsided. I asked my SIL if they realized how confusing this was going to be for A now that her Aunt is her step-mom. My SIL told me I was being being dramatic and to move on.
When mothers day came along I planned a big dinner for my mom, my MIL, and sister. We had a cake ordered with their names on it that read "Happy Mother's Day to the 3 Momketeers".
Everyone came on time and the party was in full swing when my SIL pulled me aside and asked why she wasn't included in the celebration with the other moms. I admit I stared her in the face and asked why on earth I would do that when she wasn't a mom.
My SIL called me an AH and said absolutely nothing to me the rest of the night. When I got home, I had about 20 messages from A's dad telling me that she is A's mom as well.
I told him neither he nor my SIL were in the room when A was born and he had no right to tell me who my niece's mom is. Maybe I am being the AH, but I don't feel like I should have to include her in the celebration when she just married this guy and A only knows her as her aunt.
Also, I do believe step-moms are real moms I am just finding it hard to view her that way. Now everyone is saying I should apologize and include her in any other Mother related celebrations. So, AITA?
ETA I had no indication beforehand that my SIL would even WANT to be celebrated. ETA: A is unaware that my SIL and her father are married. A's father also does not have custody nor does he involve himself in her life other than holidays.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Being a step mom for five minutes does not make you a mom.
NTA. You don't get to claim motherhood over a child that sees you as an aunt. Info for commenters "A" DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THE SISTER IN LAW IS HER STEP MOTHER.
If the child doesn't even know you're their stepmom how TF are you gonna cry about not being recognized as the child's mother? Please OP add the fact that the dad has little custody and that they haven't told "A" yet in the post.
NTA. Stepmoms can be real moms, but that’s something u earn by actually being a mom, not just marrying the dad yesterday. This lady was Auntie for 8 whole years and stepmom for like… two seconds? And now she wants her name on a cake like she’s been raising the kid since diapers? Nahhh.
And the dad?? Acting like u gotta rewrite the whole family tree just ‘cause they rushed into this? The kid’s probably still like "wait… my aunt’s my stepmom now??" while these two are throwing fits over a damn cake. Focus on the kid, not ur egos. Smh.
All these people saying Y T A need to take SEVERAL SEATS and shut up, SIL is NOT niece's Mom and it doesn't matter that she married the dad, that does not automatically make her a mother, it just happens to make her a woman married to a man with a child. She has to CHOOSE to become a mother and show it with her actions and as far as we're able to tell with this post, she has not done that. NTA.
NTA. Niece already has a mom. Mother's Day is for moms. Every mother's day will be mother's custody time not father's time.
NTA. So basically the father has no rights, birth mother (your sister) has full custody of the girl, and SIL JUST married this bloke. Yeah, she can kick rocks. She hasn't been a mom to A, she hasn't adopted A, she isn't even formally a step mom to A considering y’all are waiting a bit to explain this clusterF to the poor girl. Nope, she is not getting anything for Mothers Day.
NTA. Playing parent roles and truly being a parent are different. Time and effort is what makes a mom, not just a sudden title. It's unfair for anyone to expect instant recognition for such a significant role.
Wait she just married him and sounds like the kid doesn't even know she's the step mom a. D she wants to be included in the mom's day celebration???? Mothers day is for mothers.
Bio step adoptive that part doesn't matter but being a caring parent type help the child loving the child in all fairness maybe after a year or so but not when even the kid hasn't got it right yet.
ESH Oh, dear. Two days ago you posted that you were bitter because SIL was trying to get pregnant so you would "lose the baby race" and were concerned that she would take "your" baby name.
Now you are barging around adding and deleting familial titles as though you are the sole Queen of Nomenclature. Meanwhile, BIL is attempting to convert A into a mother, which she is not. The rest of the family has piled-on blindly, each offering unsolicited opinions.
Here's a thought: try putting the kids first. Radical, I know. Some people celebrate step-parents on different days, such as the week after the parents' celebrations. Others celebrate on the same day, but acknowledge the step-parents as a separate category. That's not to say a lesser category, just different.
All of you want to be right more than you want to be happy. That's fine for you to mess up your own lives, but to not think of the impact on the children is egregious behaviour. Shame on all of you for not being mature enough to sort this out and find peace.