Sister furious when active China itinerary doesn't cater to 'couch potato' husband. AITA?
"AITA for not adjusting our China trip to my BIL’s cardio limits?"
I (39M) recently went to China with my sister (36F), her husband (we’ll call him “Doug” 40M), their son (12), my wife and our two kids (11, 9). My sister and I were born in China, but our family immigrated to Dallas when we were young. She stayed there, got married, and had her son, while I settled in the Pacific NW with my wife and two gremlins of our own.
Growing up, our parents emphasized healthy eating and staying active. My sister and I still live that way and pass it to our kids. Doug, however, is… American in every sense of that word.
He grew up on ultra-processed foods (Fruit Snacks were considered fruit), and he’ll insist on starting up his Grand Wagoneer for any distance more than three blocks. He’s not TLC immobile, but definitely not built for long treks.
Their son just finished 7th grade and loved the ancient China unit, especially the Terracotta Warriors. My sister thought this the perfect time for him, being half-Chinese, to visit his ancestral homeland.
I was already planning a trip to Chongqing to see family, so we added my sister’s family to the itinerary and expanded it to include places like Beijing, Xi’an, and Nanjing to match what their son had learned in school.
I handled most of the planning and tried to hint that a lot of walking would be involved—especially since many Chinese cities have vast transit systems and are less car-dependent. Doug didn’t take it seriously.
Once we arrived, it was clear he couldn’t keep up when we explored the landmarks. My sister often stayed behind with him, while my wife and I continued with the kids to ensure we kept up with our tour groups.
It all came to a head in our final stop: my grandmother’s hometown near Chongqing. This place is basically vertical—stairs and steep slopes everywhere. On a particularly hot, humid day, I took the kids to the local market via a park our old family helped build. Doug insisted on coming, saying he didn’t want to sit around all day. I warned it was a long walk, but he insisted.
Half a mile in, he was struggling. I slowed down, but the kids kept running ahead. After we got through the park, I convinced him to take a taxi back while I continued to the market with the kids. When we returned, Doug was sulking and my sister was upset. She said I was inconsiderate for not just taking a taxi to the market.
I explained that would've taken longer given the layout, and the kids wouldn’t have seen the park that was part of our family history. She said she hadn’t realized how physically demanding the trip would be since she let me handle most of the planning and I didn’t consider Doug’s limits.
I agree I could’ve been more considerate of Doug’s cardio, but not at the expense of my nephew and kids experiencing their cultural landmarks—especially since it was my nephew’s first time in his homeland, and my kids’ first time in Xi’an and Beijing. They all said had an amazing and educational experience. So—AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
ESH. You "tried to hint" that a lot of walking would be involved. More than a hint was needed. What you should have done is spelled it all out for him, like you just did (after the fact) for us. Then decisions could have been made, based on full information. And in your defense, he could have taken the hints and made decisions accordingly, too.
Dry-Rule7533 (OP)
I absolutely agree. However, there seems to be a difference in culture. With Chinese families, they'll be a lot more straight forward when calling this stuff out. I've been straight up called "fatty" (in a loving way) by aunties and uncles back when I was chubbier in middle school, and if Doug were Chinese I'd have felt much more comfortable spelling things out.
However, I've found with our Caucasian side of the family we need to be a little more careful. And to my fault, I kind of tip-toed around the bush in fear of accidentally calling a spade a spade, and ultimately it backfired spectacularly.
NTA. Why should you and everyone else have to match his pace just because he's so unfit? You warned him, then when he decided to go anyway, you made reasonable accommodations when he couldn't keep up. This is a "him" problem. He probably had several weeks at least to physically prepare for the trip. It's not your fault he didn't take you seriously.
NTA. This was an expensive trip--once in a lifetime for most people who could even think about going a trip like this--and you wanted everyone (especially the kids) to get the most out of it. You warned him about the walking (I will say you really shouldn't "hint" at these things, tho.
Be direct in the future. "Just so you know, there's going to be a lot of long distance walking on this trip, so you might want to start practicing now.") and he didn't complain.
He's an adult. He can take a taxi to get around if he wants to. He knows that he's the one with physical limitations, and he shouldn't expect to let his own limitations get in the way of everyone else's enjoyment.
What he SHOULD have said was, "Hey, thank you so much for planning this amazing trip! I know the kids will remember this trip forever. I should have paid more attention when you warned me it would be physically demanding.
I'm sorry if I held you guys back at all. This has been a real wake-up call for me and I'll plan to get into shape as soon as we get back to the states so I can keep up with y'all in the future!"
YTA a bit. You clearly dislike Doug and are looking for us to validate your dislike of your fat lazy middle American red state suburbanite BIL. You had the right to plan the trip you wanted. And it seems like you very thoughtfully planned a trip. It is hard to plan a big family vacation and keep everyone happy.
But clearly Doug overestimated his own fitness. It's not like he willfully decided to walk behind everyone else to annoy you, he physically couldn't keep up with you. He was trudging behind the group watching everyone have fun. And that sucks.