I (32f) am married to great man James (36), fake name, who is was a sperm donor to his friend Miranda (35f) and her wife Vivian (30f) and they have a sweet little boy, and he is a very involved "uncle". This all started before I was in the picture and when I first started dating James it felt a little weird at times but grew to accept it because not all families are the same. Also, Miranda and Vivian are great.
James and I have been married for a while and trying for a baby. Because of the pandemic we decided to not actively try again until next year but are still not using protection. Recently Miranda approached James about being a donor again. He said that he needed to think about it and consulted me, and to be honest I told him I was uncomfortable the idea.
Like I said, Miranda and Vivian's son, was already in the picture before I came around so I know I needed to accept it or leave, but now that I am his wife and trying to conceive myself I just don't think I can ever handle seeing another woman carry his baby. James understood my stance and suggested Miranda and Vivian find another donor or adopt.
They refused saying that they wanted their son to have a sibling that was related him and this time Vivian wanted to experience giving birth. James still refused saying that he couldn't do it again. He tried to take all the blame but I guess they were able to put two and two together and started asking me why I was so against them having a bigger family.
I explained my reasons and they said that I was being unreasonable and how my lack of pregnancy wasn't their fault. Since then Miranda and Vivian have restricted access to their son and I know that it's starting to take a toll on James and his family, because their son is, technically, the only grandchild. I know that my reasons are purely selfish but am I really in the wrong here?
Xynic said:
NTA. Something like this needs to have the approval of both partners in the marriage. Your husband’s friends don’t get to demand you be ok with this no matter their reason. They’re the assholes for basically using their son as a bargaining chip in all this, and it’s frankly disgusting.
[deleted] said:
NTA. Vivian and Miranda are being incredibly unreasonable by 1. not respecting your feelings on the situation when you are literally his wife, 2. insisting that james has to be the donor when adoption or another donor are perfectly viable options.
if having the kids be genetically half-related is so important to them they should’ve brought it up with james BEFORE the first kid, or just have miranda carry again. I’m assuming James did this as a courtesy for a friend, and now they feel as if they have some sort of entitlement to his sperm.
And 3, worst of all, using their fucking son as a chess piece against James and his family, who have an established bond with him, in order to manipulate him into donating again.
They are willing to isolate their child from their biological family as a manipulative tactic but are hell-bent on having their kids be related. I’m really not seeing their logic here, and they’ve proved themselves to be people you probably wouldn’t want in your life. I think you made the right choice here.
OP responded:
To be fair, before James had met me he said he was open to giving them more sperm in the future.
MamaC2011 said:
NTA. If this is how they act when they don't get their way, they shouldn't be having a second child. They lashed out at you, and now they've decided to hurt not only your huband and his family, but their son as well. They aren't paying attention to what their son needs, and have chosen to use him as a pawn to get another child. It's vile.
loudent2 said:
I would never willingly aid people who use children as weapons to have more children. How they're behaving when they're not getting what they want speaks volumes
Sweeper1985 said:
NTA and neither is James, but my God, Miranda and Vivian are. You are not wrong at all for not wishing your husband to have another biological child outside of your relationship. He has already given this couple a great gift by acting as donor for their first son, they are beyond entitled for basically insisting that he do it a second time despite his and your reservations.
Using their child as a bargaining chip is also completely reprehensible. It makes me doubt their fitness as parents and certainly doesn't add to their case that James should act as donor again!
Now to be clear, I do understand their desire to have a child who is biologically related to their son, but they have other options involving their own eggs. They do not get to bend James over a bush this way. He owes them nothing. Their family planning is their own concern and if they were so adamant on wanting two children from the same paternal donor, they should have brought this up with him years ago.
By the way, you are not selfish, at all, in any way, for wanting your husband to not have other biological children outside your marriage at this point. It would be one thing if there were no other options for this couple, but that just isn't the case.
Based on the recurring comments and questions I wanted to clarify some things:
1.) I didn't say my husband couldn't donate sperm, not that I have any control over that, I just told him that I wouldn't be conformable with it.
2.) James signed away his rights so he can't sue for visitation or custody, and Miranda and Vivian can't sue for child support.
3.) James and the child have a Uncle/Nephew relationship and even though it's never said that there is a blood relation the child shares enough physical features that make it obvious. Strangers have even pointed this out.
4.) While the James parents know that they can never publicly claim the child as their grandchild I know that a part of them still see him as their grandchild and hope that one day they can.
5.) When James first donated he was single and stated that he would be open to donating again in the future, but as far as I'm aware there was never an explicit agreement.