'AITA for not agreeing to go prom dress shopping with my dad's wife aka stepmother aka the affair partner?'
"AITA for not agreeing to go prom dress shopping with my dad's wife aka stepmother aka the affair partner?"
The background's all kinds of messed up and messy so I'll explain that first. My mom was best friends with "Jen" since they were kids. They met in 1st grade and were inseparable after that point. My mom and dad met in college and got married a couple of years after they graduated. I was born a year into their marriage.
After mom had me Jen had two kids and she was single so my mom would help her out. But then when I was 5ish my mom found out dad was the father of Jen's kids and that they'd been having an affair for who knows how long.
My mom divorced my dad. My dad didn't want to divorce my mom. My mom also ended her friendship with Jen and hated her even more than my dad. She felt like Jen should've been one of the people she could trust most in the world and Jen shattered that.
My dad and Jen had a rocky start to their official relationship because my dad didn't want mom to divorce him and he tried to get her back. My mom's family hated Jen and my dad for what they did and Jen most of all because they had known her since she was a kid and had treated her like another daughter/sister within the family.
They went from all being close to they would ignore Jen even if she tried talking to them. My dad's family never forgave dad for destroying his marriage to mom. They really loved mom and had bonded with me but not my dad and Jen's sons.
So for them it wasn't some great thing yay more grandkids because they knew it messed with my life. That meant there was some tension between them and Jen because Jen expected them to be excited from the start.
My mom died when I was 10 because of a blood clot. So I went to live with my dad and Jen and because of the bad blood they kept me away from my maternal side of the family and I didn't get to see my paternal side for the most part because of Jen's issues with them.
A couple of years after mom died Jen and my dad were expecting another baby (their fifth) but she died while Jen was pregnant. Jen wanted my mom's family to be there for her since she wasn't super close to her own family and growing up mom's family had felt like hers.
But they shunned her again and according to Jen they felt she deserved it because she hurt my mom. That's what Jen says they told her anyway. Could be true. Could be lies because she wanted me to pity/side with her.
When I lived with my dad and Jen, before and after mom died, Jen tried to keep a good relationship with me because she was Auntie Jen before mom found out she sleeping with dad. She tried to be my second mom.
And because I was the only (living) girl it meant Jen was more desperate for some girly time with me. I went along with it sometimes but I always felt gross being around her. I know my mom would have never wanted me to love Jen like Jen wanted me to love her. And I didn't like that Jen's part in hurting my mom and making my life harder.
So I tolerated her but I didn't get close to her like she wanted. My relationship with dad was always weird too. I know he loved me and he acted like a good dad. But I could never get over the mess he made of our lives. It made me lose respect for him.
So I moved out a few months ago. I'm still 17 but I made the excuse that the boys could all have their own rooms and it made sense and I just left and moved in with my maternal grandparents. That's where I live right now.
Anyway, onto the problem of whether I'm TA or not. Jen always said she wanted to take me shopping for prom and when I lived with her and dad I never said no. She talked about it some more after I moved out.
But in December I told her I wasn't going with her and I told her I was going with friends so she'd freak less. Then I messed up and posted on Insta which I didn't know she followed me on and she was pretty pissed about it.
My friends were there too but so were my grandma and two of my aunts. Jen was pissed so I didn't answer her calls or read her texts. But then dad called and tore me a new one for doing that to Jen when I knew how much it meant to her.
He told me she's suffered enough and to punish her more isn't healthy. Then he told me I should love her and that I should realize my mom and all my extended family failed me because I could've had a happy family with him and Jen but their bitterness made sure it would never happen. And he said it's about time I accept it. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. No, it's about time HE accepts it.
NTA. You deserve to have your prom experience the way you want it, with the people who actually make you feel safe and happy.
NTA at all. Your dad and Jen made their choices, and those choices had consequences. You don’t owe Jen a mother daughter bond just because she wants one. The fact that she’s more focused on her own feelings than on how you feel about everything says a lot.
And your dad?
Trying to rewrite history and blame your mom’s family for his own betrayal is honestly pathetic. You didn’t ruin anything they did. You’re allowed to set boundaries and protect your peace. If Jen is hurt, that’s on her. Actions have consequences, and she’s facing hers.
NTA you can’t force feelings onto someone else because of your own guilt and that is what they are trying to do to you! She is NOT your mom and will never be your mom!
You had a mom you loved that was incredibly hurt by their actions and they just continue to make it worse with how they treat you. Stay with your grandparents and tell them the truth.. the truth is why the entire family has shunned them, not just you.
NTA. Tell your dad you're not punishing her. Tell him you saw her for who she really is when she betrayed her best friend by sleeping with her husband. It's not a grudge. It's not punishment. You're simply choosing not to trust someone who proved herself unworthy of trust.
You do not owe either of them a second chance. You get to choose how close you allow them both to be. You get to set boundaries with the people who blew up your family and hurt your mother. He doesn't get to scold you for not loving the woman who betrayed your mother and caused her so much pain.