Mother denies father’s request for Alexa camera during child’s heart surgery recovery. AITA?
"AITA for not allowing an Alexa my child's dad bought into the house?"
My (39f) husband (47m) and I have been separated for 10 months. We have one child (14) together. There are no custody arrangements other than what we work out together. As of right now we're doing 50/50 as best we can. We also live in the US. This is relevant.
Four months after I moved out with our child we found out that they have a potentially life threatening congenital heart defect. The defect can only be fixed with open heart surgery.
It's been a lot of stress on top of an already stressful situation. My husband wanted us to move back in with him for the surgery and recovery period. I told him that wasn't going to happen.
I told him that with his income our child would lose all health insurance and the surgery, subsequent hospital stay, doctor's appointments, etc. would be self pay as my husband doesn't have health insurance for our child.
That would be hundreds of thousands of dollars. Also my child doesn't want to recover there and I don't particularly want to move back, but I didn't tell him that. He was furious about it saying that of course I can do what I want because I have all the leverage and power here.
My child and I live with my sister. He only lives a couple blocks away from us. I told him that he could be here every day for the recovery. He's off work from his own surgery so it's not outside of the realm of possibility. I told him that if he couldn't drive either me or my sister would come get him in the morning.
He doesn't want to do any of that because he feels "uncomfortable" here. He decided that because he's not going to be with our child during recovery (his choice) that he would get an Alexa with a camera so he could "drop in" whenever he wants.
He's giving it as a Christmas gift. I told him that I wasn't really comfortable with it and that our child has a phone where he could call AND video chat our child on any time he wanted.
He got pissed with me and acted like I was an AH for not allowing an Alexa with a camera in my house. He's acting like it's going to be fun for our kid and that's the only way he's going to be able to see them.
I even asked if I could be on the Alexa app to have access to the camera and he didn't want me to because then I would have access to all of the Alexa's and cameras in his place. AITA here?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTA. That's insane that he wants to put a spying device in your sister's house. This isn't just on you though- it's your sister's house, it's your child's privacy. Like would this Alexa hypothetically go into the 14 year old child's room and the father could drop in if (let's say) the child was getting dressed?!? That's so problematic.
Normal people would call/facetime like you've proposed. Your kid isn't going to think their father "dropping in" without advance notice or even alerting them is "fun". I bet one of the choice words your kid chooses will be "cringe".
SpecificallyAnxious (OP)
Well, my child is going to be in my room recovering because I have a bigger bed. So it would be in MY room if I allowed it. And yes, I told him that. He still got pissed.
NTA - your ex is controlling. He just wants to control everything in both households. Lucky for you, Alexa needs electricity and can be unplugged.
NTA – You have every right to protect your child's privacy and safety, and it's reasonable to refuse an Alexa with a camera in your home.
NTA you're just protecting your privacy and your kid's comfort.
NTA for refusing this request. A good compromise would be to set the device to be on a separate account that you control (it's in your house), so that your ex can not "drop in" to the unit. Someone can only "drop in" to their own devices, or another account that explicitly allows them to do that.
SpecificallyAnxious (OP)
I thought of that and suggested it, but he's viewing it as "his" because he bought it so he gets control of it.
I don’t have Alexa but I would change your WiFi password and not let him have it. Wouldn’t that block access? You NTA. A big NTA. That is a major privacy concern.
NTA. There's absolutely NO reason for him to HAVE A CAMERA IN YOUR HOME. That's a huge invasion of privacy and just creepy. Tell him no. He can video call or regular call or come visit. Boundaries are important with people like him, give them an inch and they will take a mile.
NTA. I don't care if it's her dad, that's creepy AF. "I won't call my kid but I'll watch them while they sleep" is such a weird mentality to have. You have given him ways to see his daughter and he has her number so he can call and check on her. No need for cameras in her room, the 2nd most private place in the house for her (1st being the bathroom).
NTA. He elected not to cover his 14yo daughter on his insurance. And he is too “uncomfortable” to come to visit at your sister’s house? But you’re expected to be comfortable with an Alexa/camera controlled by him in your bedroom??? 😂🤣😂😃😂😃
NTA. He wants access to a camera in your house. He doesn't want you to have access to a camera in his house. I wonder if he would feel spied on or like his privacy was invaded 🤔 screw your space and privacy though apparently. Lol
Just let him use the phone and camera. He's kind of poopy for not just coming over when his child has such a serious surgery. It's not about what he wants, his convenience, or him at all. Your child asked to recover where they are comfortable and that should be it with no extra. Sorry you are dealing with this on top of such a scary surgery. You're in my thoughts.