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'AITA for not allowing my dad to share a room with his sister in the care home?'

'AITA for not allowing my dad to share a room with his sister in the care home?'

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"AITA for not allowing my dad to share a room with his sister in the care home?"

About a year ago, my dad (80s) had to go into a care home. He has dementia, incontinence, mobility issues, among other their health concerns. We did our research and found him the very best place.

They take such good care of him and he is thriving there. One thing to point out is that we made sure he has his own private suite. We felt he deserved privacy since he does have bathroom accidents and has to be cleaned regularly.

Of course, being the best facility and having a private suite it is very expensive (Over $12k a month and they do not accept any type of insurance coverage except for the doctor’s charges).

Recently my dad’s sister has also gotten to the point where she needs 24/7 care and my cousin agrees that the facility my dad is in is the best in our area. When he called them for information, he was shocked at the cost.

He mentioned that his mom’s brother, my dad, was a resident there. They told my cousin that my dad and his mom could share a room and it would be $4,500 a month cheaper per person.

My cousin then told the facility that they would be sharing a room. He just assumed we would be okay with it since it is a significant savings. My cousin did mention to us that his mom would be joining our dad at the home, but we didn’t realize he meant in the same room.

Obviously the home called us to verify it was ok for my dad’s sister to move into his suite. We were shocked and said no. We made it a point to get my dad a private suite (there was a waiting list for the private rooms) and that the fact that the other person would be his sister makes no difference to us. We feel that he worked hard his whole live and deserves the best, including a private suite in his last days.

Now my cousin is upset because he feels like they may not be able to afford that facility otherwise and his mom deserves the best too. I don’t know their finances, but I know my aunt has some money saved plus has a house that is fully paid off that can be sold.

I just think my cousin is concerned about his future inheritance. Plus, his mom does have the option to share a suite with another female resident for the same discount, but he is concerned about his mom sharing with a stranger and also having to deal with another family.

He said he wouldn’t be able to afford a private room at this care home and would only allow his mom to share a room if it was with my dad. This home truly is the best with a very high standard of care and he wants his mom there as opposed to a less expensive place. AITA for refusing to allow my dad to share a suite with his sister even if it means she wouldn’t be able to afford this care home otherwise?

This home is specifically for dementia/Alzheimer’s patients. My dad and his sister both have advanced cases of Alzheimer’s/dementia. I can’t just ask my dad what he wants since he can’t understand. We have POA for him.

He has good days and bad, sometimes he recognizes that he knows us and sometimes he doesn’t. I know he wouldn’t recognize his sister at all but may understand who she was if we told him, although he would probably keep forgetting.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:

NTA since your dad is suffering from dementia, it would basically be like sharing a room with a stranger. If not now then at some point in the future. It's also extremely rude of your cousin to go above your head and make arrangements with the facility without discussing it with you first. ETA does no one read the post?? They mention that dad is suffering from dementia right there!

(OP)

My cousin just assumed that we would want to save the money each month too and figured there wouldn’t be an issue since they were siblings. And thank you for pointing out I did mention the dementia in the beginning. I did add some info at the end of my post as well since I did not do a good job on conveying the with the dementia he can’t make decisions for himself.

Honestly, it could potentially be terrifying for your aunt, as she had advanced dementia as well. Imagine waking up in a room, and there's a man that you don't recognize in there. Just because they're siblings doesn't mean they'll be comfortable together NTA.

Hold your ground. Your cousin is wrong to try to preserve his mother's assets for his own inheritance. By refusing to engage with him on this anymore, you will force him to do the right thing, or at least not enable his exploitation of her. Those resources are for her care at this extraordinarily vulnerable time in her life.

As a side note, I wonder how much private, protected, and personally identifying information (room number, payments, level of care) the facility divulged to your cousin based on the false statements he made to them about them living together. You should request a meeting with the facility manager and demand they stop sharing your father's information with anyone but you and his representatives.

Bfan72

NTA. At some point your aunt won’t recognize your dad. Has your cousin even thought of that? It’s one thing to not recognize a woman. It’s another thing to not recognize a man. She might be terrified at some point because she is sharing a room with who she thinks is a strange man.

Also, your dad might be freaked out that he is suddenly sharing a room with a woman that he doesn’t know. WTF is wrong with your cousin? I get that he would prefer to have her get a private room. What I don’t understand is why he would not use every asset that she has to provide the care for her.

NTA. If both of them have dementia, will they even recognize each other? Or could that cause further issues for both of them?

(OP)

They would not recognize each other. My dad would probably understand who she was if we told him, but likely forget the next day. He does have good days and bad days so some days he would probably remember and understand that was his sister but other days he would not.

When I visit him, some days he knows I am his daughter and can recall specific details about me like what type of job I have, some days he knows I am familiar but he can’t remember who I am, and other days I am a complete stranger to him.

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

Sources: Reddit
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