Father refuses to let 'problem' daughter wear her late mom's wedding dress. 'Nothing goes to her.' AITA?
"AITA I am not allowing my daughter to wear her late mom's wedding dress even though I let my other daughter wear it?"
I will try to be as clear as possible. I have four kids, this is about my middle child Abby (fake name). Abby was an addict. She went off to college and came back in the first semester an addict. Soon after, she dropped from college and got much worse.
My late wife and I tried to get her into rehab but she would just run the first day. Her relationship with the rest of the family deteriorated very quickly. She was soon kicked out of our homes permanently when she was 20.
My wife soon got cancer and we stopped giving money altogether to Abby because it needed to go to the treatment. Abby broke into our home and completely ransacked it.
This included heirloom pieces that were passed own from my wife's mother. She also left our doors open and our two cats escaped. We never found them. This broke my wife, and she started to go downhill after.
My wife made it clear that Abby has gotten her inheritance already and that she wants nothing else to go to her, she was very clear not to allow her to have anything else or borrow anything. My wife passed and Abby didn't even come to the funeral.
Abby is now 26 and has been clean for a year. She is planning on getting married next year. She called me and asked if she could use Mom's wedding dress, and I told her no.
This started an argument about how its unfair because my oldest daughter did wear it last year ( Abby was not invited to the wedding). She claims it is unfair and that she was her mother too.
I informed her she already got many things from her mother and pond them off for money. I need an outside opinion, I cant go to my family because everyone has strong opinions about Abby.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA your wife said no. And its her dress.
Your late wife's wishes should be respected especially given the circumstances surrounding Abby's behavior.
NTA. What has she done to earn back any form of trust? Yes, she's sober, but sobriety doesn't mean your relationship goes back to how it was. She robbed you, straight up, she stole several items with huge sentimental value from her mother.
Why trust her with one of the few things you have left to share with her siblings? Don't let her have the dress. I doubt she would do anything to it, I don't believe her to be evil, but it's the principle. She doesn't deserve to wear something of such importance to your family.
Solid_Reason_3735 (OP)
She did send out apology letters, I dont know how to feel about mine since it wasnt the best apology. I am low contact and see her like every 6 months, so I am trying to build up a relationship again but it is hard. I dont trust her at all If she wasn't my kid, I 100% would not speak to her again
Go with your gut. If you don’t trust her don’t let her have the dress. It’s as simple as that. She hasn’t earned your trust back yet, and your wife was crystal clear. Abby took her inheritance early. She gets nothing else. Period.
Solid_Reason_3735 (OP)
I think you are right, I cant risk it, espiclaly since if the dress disappears than my youngest daughter wont be allowed to have the option for her own wedding.
NTA your wife was clear. Abby can buy her own dress.
Nope, you are following your late wife's wishes. She would absolutely not want Abby to wear that dress. I would tell Abby that once she returns everything she stole/pawned during her addict phase, she gets nothing of her mother's.
Solid_Reason_3735 (OP)
I have spent some many years trying to track down the stuff, I have found two out of the collection and they will be going to my two other daughters. I feel really bad for my son becuase he literally has nothing of hers. Oldest daughter, Abby, son, youngest daughter.
NTA ransacking your house, effectively killing your cats, and accelerating the death of her own mother. That was unfair. This is just the consequence of her actions.
NTA. One thing recovering addicts have to learn is that their past actions have consequences. Once sober, they might feel terrible and seek forgiveness, but sometimes it's impossible.
And, if not impossible, it still takes time to mend the relationship and reestablish trust.Your daughter still has a lot of growing up to do if she thinks she's entitled to your late wife's wedding dress.
Wow this is a rough story. Has Abby admitted all her wrong doings and apologized? Is she part of the family again? Are things good between all of you? Is Abby truly in a good place in life or is she riding the line? I don’t think you’re an AH at all… just throwing out some things to think about. Good luck!
NTA. You’re honoring your wife’s wishes. Period. She may be clean now but she’s wreaked havoc on your lives and has to deal with it.
You’re honoring your wife’s last wishes and that’s all that needs to be said. If she’s truly remorseful she will own her mistakes and move on. She doesn’t get the dress.
Would your wife want a relationship with Abby if she became sober? Would she have wanted to see her daughter get better and be part of the wedding? It's still fine to say no to the dress.
Maybe she could have a copy of a picture of your wife in her wedding dress that could be placed some where in the wedding or put in her bouquet. I hope you can get some help for yourself and learn how to navigate this new relationship with your daughter.