'AITA for not allowing my GF to be a SAHM even though I could afford to?' 'I grew up poor.'
"AITA for not allowing my gf to be a SAHM even though I could afford to?"
My (29M) GF (23F) emily and I have been dating for four years and have lived together since last October. She graduated from college last year and was able to get a job that paid an okay salary for an entry-level position.
She didn't like the job too much, but she mentioned that it had good opportunities for promotions and would look good on her resume, so she hoped to move on to more interesting work that she is more passionate about soon. This January, my GF became pregnant with a girl by accident.
It was unplanned, but decided to keep the baby. We have since been preparing for the birth. We have good relationships with both my and her parents, and both sets of parents have said they would be willing to babysit our daughter for free.
Recently, my GF told me that she would like to quit her job after the baby is born to be a stay-at-home mom (SAHM). Her reasons for doing so were:
She is getting very attached to our baby even though it’s not born yet, and the idea of dropping her off with a babysitter, even if that babysitter is one of our parents who we know will take good care of it, makes her want to cry.
Her mom was a SAHM, which allowed her to have home-cooked meals every day and do lots of fun stuff that she couldn’t do with a babysitter. She wants to provide the same experience for our daughter.
She no longer likes her job and is unsure if she even wants to continue down the same career path. She regrets her major in accounting and wishes she had majored in something she is passionate about instead of something that just makes good money.
I recently got a promotion to a supervisory position in my company that came with a pay raise of nearly forty thousand dollars, so I can afford to support her and our daughter.
She didn’t say it, but one of her friends recently gave birth and became a SAHM, so I’m sure that influenced her decision. She also tried to convince me by saying I would get more intimacy every day now that she would have more free time and energy, which I admit was tempting, and that she could cook all my favorite meals and do all the chores.
I said no for a few reasons:
We were planning to buy a house in the next couple of years, and with me being the only one working, that would set us back by years in getting one.
I grew up poor. During my entire childhood, I only went to the movie theater a couple of times because my parents could not afford to take me out to do fun stuff like that often for example.
I got a new pair of shoes once a year and bought my clothes from Walmart. With both our incomes, we have been able to enjoy a very nice lifestyle. We both drive nice new cars, go shopping, or to nice restaurants or the movies regularly, and have also been on some nice trips and vacations.
With only one income, we would have to curtail our spending by a lot. My GF brought this up, but I don’t really want to. With both of us working we can keep are current lifestyle even after the baby.
There are many things I still want to do and places I want to go to. And we would have to put all our life plans on hold for several years since my income alone would not be enough. So we would have to wait until I got even more raises,or saved for a long time.
I just don’t want the pressure of being the only person to provide for my family. Most people don't like their jobs from what she told me she mainly just does not like her boss and finds the work boring.
My mom had to work a physically difficult job while I was a baby. So compared to her and many other women, my gf has it easy. Sometimes you just have to suck up having a job you don't like.
Also well telling her no, I might have said that the reason why she was feeling so attached to the baby was pregnancy hormones and they would soon pass.. So yeah, not my best choice of words.
I mentioned this to my friends and my family. I've been told by some people that a true man provides for his family. And that I'm evil for wanting to seperate a mother from her baby when I could afford to let her stay home. So aita?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Mykona-1967 said:
NTA but OP & GF will be very disappointed when they realize they have no free time. Those favors in the bedroom will not materialize because GF will be worn out from taking care of an infant.
bbbriz said:
NTA. All your reasons aside, I wouldn't EVER advise a woman to have a child and be a SAHM to a man she's not married to. The legal security is not there, if you pass away suddenly in an accident, she'll be in a bad spot, and with a huge gap in her resume.
ProfessionalTooth113 said:
NTA, but I do think this is an opportunity for compromise. You have very valid reasons to say no to 100% stay at home, but she also has really valid reasons to want to be home with the baby.
You guys should maybe talk about her working part time so that you both feel that your needs are being addressed. She will be able to move away from the job she doesn’t want and spend more time at home, but you won’t be the sole provider.
Morsac said:
NTA, but...I'm a SAHM, because financially it made no sense for me to sink my entire earnings into childcare (and this was in the 90s, before it skyrocketed). I understand your financial concerns, my husband and I both grew up with some money insecurity, but paying for childcare is expensive, crazy expensive. Before you make a decision, look into that cost.
She may believe that she'll have more energy for sexy times as a SAHM, but she won't. She'll be exhausted a lot of the time without your help and support with chores, especially when the baby is small. Babies are a ton of work.
If she's working on top of being mom when she gets home, you will have to take on 50% of the housework + being dad, or she won't have any energy for sexy times then, either. Parenting is work. For BOTH parents. When you add day jobs on top of that, everyone is just tapped out.
There are advantages to having a stay at home parent: financial (no daycare costs), health (no exposure to every illness of all the other kids), emotional (you're raising the child, not strangers; no resentment). Yes, it could mean things are tight for a few years. But at least maybe consider the potential benefits?
synchrohighway said:
NTA. Things are way easier when both parents work instead of the entire income and that pressure being put on one person. Plus in the future you'll have more options if one parent is incapacitated.
Conscious-Bar-1655 said:
NTA. Most of your reasons sound valid. But this doesn't even matter. For a couple to live as a single income family should be a joint voluntary decision. Resentment and frustration are high probabilities in any other scenario.