All names are fake. I know the title makes me sound pretty horrible. Before you judge me, please try to understand my point of view.
My (32F) husband (34M) , let’s call him Caleb, has a very close relationship with his grandparents (“Marie” and “Tom”) They raised him and his siblings because his parents were absent. Obviously, Caleb sees them as his parental figures and loves them. So do I. They are wonderful, kind people and I will forever be thankful to them for raising my husband so well and treating me with such love.
Caleb’s parents live in Germany, and me and Caleb live in Canada (we moved for my job and better quality of life for our children (3F, 6M, 7F). The flight to visit them is around 9 hours, so visits are rare (once or twice every two years).
Unfortunately, in the summer of 2023, Marie (Caleb’s mom) got diagnosed with a tumour and started getting very sick. We were all devastated and went to spend the whole summer with her in Germany. Her condition remained stable-ish for the whole time and we were hopeful we would have many more years with her.
In October, she had a heart attack and was hospitalized. We thought it was the end. Our whole family, and Caleb’s brothers and sisters went to Germany, preparing to say our good-bye. Turns out she got better and was stable enough to go home. Of course everyone was estactic.
The same situation happened again this January and this March. Heart attack, hospitalized, it looked like it was over. But then again, she got better and we all went back home. Each time, we buy tickets to Germany and back for our whole family, which is about 5-6K. Plus accommodations, plus having to take time off of work and school, which is difficult.
Last week, my husband got a call that Marie had another heart attack. I told him he could go alone, but me and the kids would stay and he would have to buy his own plane ticket (I am the main income earner). Reason is because I can’t take more time off of work, and we cant afford to buy more plane tickets. I also find it difficult to say our heartfelt good-byes every time, only to repeat it two months later.
Caleb was outraged that I wouldn’t let him visit his dying grandmother, calling me all kinds of names, saying I was setting a terrible example for our children. After hearing Marie was okay this time again as well, he calmed down a bit but is giving me the cold shoulder and will refuse to talk to me or acknowledge my presence.
I don’t know what to do. We are comfortable, but can’t afford to take plane trips every few months for who knows how long. And I am not “keeping my husband away from his grandmother”, I am just saying he has to pay for his own ticket if he wants to go. AITA?
My husband and I had a big talk last night and I essentially told him what the comments said. We (as a family) are not able to afford going to Germany every few months.
I also told him that because I wanted him to be with his grandmother when she passed, I’ve decided to set aside money for him to visit her. However, this would cut into his hobby expenses (he likes to occasionally golf with friends, go to concerts, etc).
A lot of people were confused with the financial situation, I’ve responded in the comments but will repeat it here. I essentially bring in 95% of our money. My husband lost his job a few years ago due to medical reasons. We are hopeful he’ll be able to return in a few years after more therapy.
He is now a SAHD but will do side gigs (mowing lawns, repairing things, etc). This is not to discredit him in the slightest, he works very hard and is an amazing father.
When I said we were “comfortable”, I meant we had enough to spare a few grands a year (which we already blew on the last visits). We can’t afford him going to Germany for who knows how long without cutting into other expenses.
My husband looked relieved and thanked me. He said he‘ll try to pick up some extra side-jobs to help more financially. I know this is not a crazy update, but I want to thank everyone for their help. Hopefully Grandma will stop having heart attacks and live for a few more years ❤️.