'AITA for not allowing my in-laws around my infant daughter?'

"AITA for not allowing my in-laws around my infant daughter?"

My husband and I have been together for almost 5 years now. When I first met my husband, his step mom always seemed to be a bit stand offish with me and would make it overly known how much they loved her kids girlfriends etc at random and would point out any flaw I had.

I never said anything, just out of respect for my husband. But, did bring it to his attention over the little knit picking comments made. My husband informed me she had always been against anyone he dated but never his step brothers.

Throughout our dating phase, my husband and his step mom/dad would continually argue over me due to his step mom stating I was a liar for having certain health issues (having to pull up my MyChart account to show my husband I was not lying- for the record he did believe me before showing him)...

She would call me names, make fun of my weight, informed how she likes my husbands ex better, wouldn't speak to me if the girlfriends were around, would not include me in any functions etc. this caused my husband to pull back from them resulting in them giving an apology.

Fast forward, the apology meant nothing and was almost a vicious cycle on repeat of this same scenario happening over and over again. Once my husband and I got married, things seemed to be good for the first two months of our marriage. They were accepting, very helpful, kind and really seeming as the in laws I was hoping for.

My husband and I got into a small— can’t remember what it was about — argument, causing the family to turn against me again. Despite these on going actions, I would still attend family holidays with my husband since this was really the only communication we had with them. Well that stopped quickly as well.

I had uterine cancer when I was 18, causing infertility issues with my husband and his family aware of this. One night during a game night at the holiday function. I was sitting near his step mom when she decided to look at me and tell me my husband and the ex they liked better than me had a pregnancy scare when they were 19 (mind you we’re now in our late 20s)...

And how it must be so hard on me knowing I can’t give him a baby. That was the moment I had, had enough. Cutting the family off an only speaking at huge family gathering with cordial conversation.

About a year after this (last year) we finally had conceived our daughter. Over the moon excited, we had let all of the family know in hopes that maybe this could be the start of us working with his family on the relationship. I was very up front with my husband that I didn’t want our daughter brought into a toxic family dynamic with consistently being put down by his step mom and would like for things to change.

Well I never got this experience. His step mom and dad both have ruined every important function for me relating to our daughter since. First issue: during the gender reveal, the family made fun of the name we picked for our daughter the whole event & would later refuse any pictures with me and would only insist on taking them with my husband.

After not speaking to me the whole event. (I ended the evening crying). Second issue: during the co-Ed baby shower his step mom humiliated me in front of everyone during opening of the gifts and yelled at me for telling my husband to hold on opening the gift to make sure we got the previous thank you card filled out.

Informing that my husband is the father and I don’t get a say in everything concerning this baby. Third issue: the day I gave birth, the hospital had a visitor restriction only allowing for 4 people. So I picked my mom, my sister, my husband and his bio mom who I am super close with to be in the hospital with me. Only fitting if you knew the dynamic.

My husband's dad and step mom later called and requested to be at the hospital. My husband informed that to respect my wishes and the hospital regulation we are not having any visitors. They proceeded to tell my husband he stood for nothing, he was a let down, they cant believe that I wouldn’t allow them there, we should be ashamed of our choices and that our daughter will forever be affected by this...

That we already were starting off as bad parents and that they will just leave us alone forever and never have anything to do with our family again over these choices. My husband crushed over the response seemed to be very distracted and upset throughout the whole birthing process.

Making me feel as if they ruined our moment again. My husband on the contrary was still there for me and very attentive to my needs to something shifted after this. My forth and final issue: this was the issue that caused me to cut off all communication. I let them come see our daughter the next day at the hospital. When they arrived, they wouldn’t look at me, speak to me or even congratulate me on our baby.

They asked my husband how he did during the delivery, congratulated him and informed how proud they were of him over our sweet baby. To end the night while I was in the bathroom. They proceeded to pray over our daughter and pray she was nothing like me.

From that moment on I informed my husband that from that moment on I was completely done with his family and they weren’t allowed around our daughter until respect is shown. Almost a year later things have not got any better even after I’ve reached out 2x to apologize for anything I have done with reply texts of how I am the problem with no resolution.

My husband has stood beside me. But, I can’t imagine how he’s feeling either. Long story short, am I overreacting for not allowing them in my daughter's life?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

BlessedMom88 said:

You’re not overreacting at all or in the wrong here. Your in-laws don’t deserve to be in your daughter’s life.

Former_Nectarine4333 said:

NTA, but your husband sure is. The fact that he let all of this happen without standing up to them is awful.

fIumpf said:

Who is feeding his family information about your arguments that turn everyone against you? Who else could possibly know aside from you and him? Sounds like the snitch is in your own bed. I fear you have a serious husband problem and don’t even recognize it. It doesn’t sound like he’s in your corner at all and is happily exposing your daughter to this nasty dynamic. NTA.

Oh_Wiseone said:

NTA - stop reaching out and trying to apologize. They are n the wrong here, and your husband should have set strong boundaries before this. And you tolerated too much. But trying to apologize, you are also confusing your husband.

You have a child to protect and to set an example when they are older. Talk to your husband and the two of you agree on NC and also the conditions under which (if ever) you resume a relationship with them.

GreyJediBug said:

Absolutely NTA. They're straight up bullies to you & your husband.

Successful_Pen_2412 said:

You’re definitely NTA and honestly, you put up with way more than I ever could/would have. I also wouldn’t have given them so many opportunities to redeem themselves. Based on everything you’ve said, they are incredibly hateful people and they lack insight into their actions/behaviors.

It’s cause and effect and it’s their problem that they won’t see that, not yours. I’m sorry you’ve had to experience that and try to navigate that type of abuse and trauma. I truly hope you stick to your guns and keep your daughter safe from those people.

Slow-Cherry9128 said:

NTA. Cutting your husband's family out of your life for not respecting you, making condescending remarks, talking shit about you, etc. is the right thing to do. However, stop apologizing to them just to heal the family. This is their problem, not yours because you've done nothing wrong.

You take care of your baby and do what's right for you both. Never let them be around your baby because if they can't treat you with respect, then they get no access to your baby, but you have to follow through. No more shared Christmas', birthdays and holidays, etc.

Even if they reach out to you, don't change your mind. In all the time you've known your husband's family, they've never stopped or apologized for the emotional abuse they inflicted upon you. If your husband wants to have a relationship with them, let him but he's never to take your child with him. You have to step up and be the mama bear.

It'll get easier as time goes by. You'll feel less stress, your marriage will become better, your child will flourish, life will get better. Surround yourself with those who love and appreciate you like your husband's bio mom and your own family. You've got this.