'AITA for not letting my daughter use my home as a wedding venue because her mom is invited?' + NEW UPDATE

"AITA for not allowing my oldest daughter to use my home as her wedding venue because her mother and her family will be invited? I had a restraining order against them until recently."

I'm in a pretty bad situation right now. When my stepdaughter got married two years ago, she used our home as the wedding venue. We have a meadow in our backyard that is able to accomodate a large number of people, as well as a empty clean barn that can be setup for dinner tables.

My daughter was supposed to marry at another location last year but the venue shut down permanently. She's now asked to use my home for the wedding but I told her my issues with that. I had a restraining order against her mother, my ex, and a few members of her family after threats and harrassment were directed towards my wife and myself.

The restraining order expired mid last year but we haven't heard from them since but I stayed firm in my decision. This has upset my daughter greatly and she's screamed at me which she's never done. I offered to give her 15 thousand dollars for an alternative venue but now she's adamant about it being our home.

I feel extremely uncomfortable giving my ex and her family access to my home because that's where the washrooms will be. My daughter has put this issue on Facebook and I now have all of my extended family against me. This has also stirred up my ex and her family against me.

And worse is that my wife and stepdaughter are now being accused of trying to ruin my daughter's wedding when they haven't played any part in it. I'm planning on giving in and letting my daughter use our home for the wedding later this year. But I'm going to tell my wife and stepdaughter not to be around for it. Which I'm sure is going to create a bunch of other issues. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Manic_Murderino said:

WHEW, what a sticky wicket! NTA under the circumstances. Recommendation: renting porta-potties (and maybe a commercial tent for the bride to get ready in) for the day is relatively inexpensive and will ensure that nobody needs access to your home.

random__guy5 said:

are you kidding NTA. you kinda had a RESTRAINING ORDER on two members and you gave her an opportunity to find somewhere else. Why is she so adamant about your house

Adept-One-819 said:

NTA. Go renew the restraining order if your ex and her family are harassing you and explain to your daughter that she can either have the wedding at your home without her mother and her side of the family or she can accept the 15k and have it elsewhere, but for personal safety reasons you will not let her mother into your home.

Otherwise, rent portapoties. They have some super fancy ones for wedding venues (trailers, don't look or smell like portapoties, with a washroom).

OP responded:

I won't be renewing the order because I don't have any real standing this time. I also don't want to renew it because I do want to attend my daughter's wedding without causing any issues. But the outdoor bathrooms are an excellent idea. I have texted the idea to my daughter.

pbc85 said:

NTA. But how is it that you raised your (presumably) adult daughter in such a way that when you don’t give her what she wants, she screams at you and goes after you on Facebook? And why do you now think the right thing to do is to give in to her antics by letting her do the wedding at your house after all?

My own daughter just got married and I provided financial support; if she had screamed at me about anything related to the wedding, you can be sure that financial support would have been withdrawn.

OP responded:

My daughter has never raised her voice at me but I can only imagine that other family members are riling her up. She also posted something on facebook that didn't explicitly blame me but my own sister made it into a circus that involved my ex and her family. I feel badly that my daughter is put under all this stress due to my ex and my issues.

And cashycallow said:

NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA. Your daughter is being demanding and 15k for a new venue is a generous gift. Seems like the extended family love the drama around this decision since she stirred the pot. Your house, your choice.

He later shared this first update:

I messaged my daughter about the outdoor trailer bathrooms and she has refused and said it was a disgusting idea. She then accused me of treating her worse then my stepdaughter and that I play favorites and that I'm a terrible father. She does not want the wedding at our home anymore and hung up. She is no longer picking up my calls.

I got an angry call from my mother who says she is hosting her wedding instead. And that I will not be welcomed at the wedding. My father will be walking my daughter down the aisle instead of me. Thanks everyone for the advice. I appreciate it. But I feel like I've made the biggest mistake of my life. I'm completely heartbroken.

A year later, he posted this NEW update:

I've had many messages asking me for an update that I've only noticed after logging back into this account. I have a fairly positive update. My daughter's wedding took place in October last year.

After a few months of my daughter refusing to talk to me, my wife saw how I was being affected by the situation and said I should just let my daughter use our home without any restrictions. That we should lock up our valuables and hope for the best. I was extremely hesitant but at my wife's insistence, I arranged a meeting at my mother's home and made the offer.

I was immediately told that it was too late and that the new invitations were already sent out and the wedding would be happening at my mother's property. But my daughter asked for the 15 thousand dollars I originally offered for an alternative venue to be used to renovate my mother's home a little for the wedding. I just accepted that this was the best it was going to get and gave her the money.

My daughter still didn't warm up to me after this and would only reply to texts occasionally. Then a month before the wedding, I was told to come to the wedding without my wife. My daughter said that similar to how my wife and I felt, her mother and some members of her maternal family felt uncomfortable being around us due to the expired restraining order.

She said she was willing to fight them to have her father at the wedding. But my wife, stepdaughter and her husband were not invited. I was incredibly disappointed. I wanted to confront my daughter and potentially not go to the wedding at all if my wife wasn't invited. But my wife said that there's too much bad blood and I should just attend the wedding quietly for my daughter's sake.

I ended up attending the wedding alone and left once dinner was done. While I got to see my daughter get married, my heart feels heavy that it was such a conflict filled situation. Even having me walking her down the aisle became such a touchy subject that she just ended up having her half brother walk her down the aisle instead.

When I went to congratulate my daughter before I left, she angrily told me that she should've just eloped because of me and my ex. And that it's disgusting that her own parents ruined every aspect of her wedding. That she can't wait to build a life separate from everyone.

I apologized and cried on my way home. A part of me is happy that my daughter still somewhat talking to me. But I do regret putting her under so much stress. It's not her fault her parents can't get along. I'm just hopeful that we can slowly start repairing our relationship.