'AITA for not allowing my daughter to visit her dad without her medical dog?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for not allowing my daughter to visit her dad without her dog?"

Never thought I would actually post, but my bestie told me to put it out here for an impartial judgement. My ex (divorced nine years) and I have a 14-year-old daughter who sees them 2-3 weekends a month, depending on their work schedule. We have no official custody or visitation agreement in place.

Three months ago, my ex moved their girlfriend in after dating for six weeks. He says he's "too old to do the silly dating thing" and has decided to move on full throttle with her. Okay, fine. His life. I've met her three times during drop offs and she seemed fine. I remarried three years ago and we have all coparented very well.

Okay, now onto the issue.

My daughter has a chronic disease and a extensively trained service dog because of this.

She's a German Shepherd if that that makes any difference. We got her approximately eight months ago-she was nearly 20k so it took a lot of financial finagling and research for my ex and my spouse and I to both find and purchase her. She has been a godsend. Before "Sherry" came along, my daughter had wicked anxiety about going anywhere- especially school or out in public.

She is, of course, medicated, but has breakthrough episodes which her MD attributes to puberty. She is closely monitored, but she still has them. Before Sherry, she would refuse to go anywhere for days at a time and we ended up having a tutor come in so that she could keep up with schoolwork.

I refused to completely homeschool her because I feel that if I did she would withdraw from society completely. Enter Sherry, who has made a HUGE difference in her life. She goes everywhere with her, is a "star" at my daughter's high school and my daughter has actually become almost extroverted! She has even joined theater club and is currently attending a summer workshop on it.

She says just knowing that Sherry is with her lessens her anxiety as now she knows when something is going to happen and that "coming to" with Sherry curled up next to her comforts her and makes her know that she's safe during them. Now the issue. Guess what girlfriend's name is? You guessed it! First, she demanded we change the dog's name. I laughed and said that that was not an option.

Again, highly trained dog. You don't just go around changing an animal's name, anyway! And, she's almost THREE YEARS old, I told girlfriend if she didn't like sharing her name with a dog, she could change hers. That didn't go over well. Yesterday, my daughter came home crying saying girlfriend is insisting that when daughter visits, Sherry should remain at home.

I said absolutely not. I told my ex and his reply was, "Daughter didn't have to dog for years and she was ok. She'll be ok now. I know what to do." I said that his knowing what to do wasn't the issue. I said that our daughter was not "OK" before- she was anxious, borderline agoraphobic and miserable.

He called me a drama queen and said if she brings Sherry with her she can't come. I said fine. She won't be visiting. He said I was guilty of "parental alienation" and would take me to court if necessary. I said bring it on. My daughter is torn. She doesn't want to be without Sherry, but she also wants to visit her dad. So AITA?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Secret-Afrernoon-645 wrote:

NTA. Would your ex insist that your daughter leave a prosthetic limb at home, if his girlfriend didn't like it. I can't imagine any decent family court judge not telling this guy to get his f#$king priorities straight (and, yes, I have heard a family court judge tell someone this - ironically, because he prioritized his dogs over his kid...)

OP responded:

The kicker is that my ex is actually ALLERGIC to dogs! He's been getting shots and taking antihistamines so that he can deal with Sherry. And when her neurologist suggested looking into a service dog he didn't blink! But girlfriend has to be coddled because of her name. Make it make sense.

Jen0507 wrote:

NTA. And let the judge rake him over the coals in court. Sherry isn't a dog, she's a medical device. Would dad be allowed to leave an insulin pump or asthma inhaler at home because he 'knows what to do'? No, he would not.

emscape wrote:

Exactly. Frame it like that and see what he says. Human Sherry can get a nickname or something.

Squirt1384 wrote:

I think that she should just go by Human Sherry and if she doesn’t like that then I’m sure OP and her daughter can come up with some ideas.

OP responded:

Well since this became an issue, I really focused on how often the actual name "Sherry" was said in a day. I mean, my daughter will say, "C'mon girl," or "my precious baby" and things like that instead of her name so I really think girlfriend is just making a thing out of nothing to stir the pot.

Maida__G wrote:

NTA If I were you I’d tell him he either does the visits at his house or not at all. He’s treating his own daughter like she’s an inconvenience. He’s choosing to get his dick wet over being a good dad.

OP responded:

I don't want my daughter or Sherry at his house with girlfriend there. I don't trust her not to do something because she's furious about this post (my ex SIL kindly shared it with her- the darling) and my daughters say she was already snarky to them before all this happened.

The next day, OP shared an update.

So I sent the link to this post to my ex and he responded by calling my daughter and apologizing. He's still being an AH as he is saying that they will do visits at his mom's house (a couple of streets away from him) as it still makes girlfriend upset hearing her name referring to a dog...whatever.

So, for now...this is what they've worked out. He's happy, daughter is happy (she told me she really doesn't like girlfriend but has been polite) and Sherry stays where she belongs- with daughter. One thing I would like to point out- girlfriend's name is spelled Cherie with a little accent over the last e and pronounced "Shuh-REE" where as our girl is plain old Sherry like berry, so I think this was just GF stirring the pot.

Thank you all for helping me show ex where his priorities SHOULD be.....

I originally put her diagnoses and the purpose of Sherry in the post but it was flagged and removed for "seeing medical advice." She has a disorder that starts with e and ends with y.

Sherry is a Seizure Response Dog. The fact that she lessens my daughter's anxiety about not knowing when a seizure is coming on and having one in public is a huge bonus, but not the main purpose of Sherry's training.

For the idiot who told me Sherry couldn't be an actual service animal because "real ones don't cost money," ummmm....NO. She went through a year and a half of training and we could only afford her because my parents put a second mortgage on their house and my ex, current spouse and I all worked a second job until we had enough.

We are not wealthy. I'm a CNA, my husband is a mechanic and my ex manages a restaurant. We looked into organizations that subsidize the cost of a service animal, but the waiting lists were three years or more and we needed a dog now. We had to drive halfway across the country to pick her up. All those saying she is a medical device are 100% spot on.

For now, my daughter is going to spend my ex's weekends with his mother (who loves Sherry as much as we do!), and he is going to hang out with her there. He knows he's effed up...his mother and both of his sisters have all torn him new ones. But it takes him time to admit when he's wrong because he's a stubborn SOB.

This post has opened his eyes, but it also ticked him off to no end being called out. Older daughter says that SIL went over and told girlfriend off, but didn't provide details and I'm trying really hard to be adult and not pump her for info lol. For those saying he's going to baby trapped- he had a vasectomy, thank goodness.

The internet was glad to hear the update.

Wakeful-dreamer wrote:

So daughter and dad only see each other at Grandma's house now, and this is expected to go on for...how long? Daughter will always have the medical condition. Is this an acknowledgement that the girlfriend is a short term thing? Or a naive belief that one's daughter and one's girlfriend can be mutually exclusive and separate parts of one's life?

OP responded:

I think he sees this as a compromise to get girlfriend off his back. My daughter loves staying with her grandma and, at this point wants nothing to do with girlfriend so she's very happy with the arrangement. And, if I know my exMIL, she is going to make him squirm every time he's over there! ~evil laugh~

Appropriate_Mind7691 wrote:

I am baffled by the childish behavior of the GF. It is not like you purposely named the dog with the same name. If I am not mistaken the dog came to you with that name not that it matters.

I hate to say my opinion or to sound harsh but your ex needs to prioritize his daughter and although I am there in the same house I can just imagine the manipulation of the gf that goes on in that house. The moment a new partner starts to try & establish dominance or some sense of hierarchy I think a relationship is going to suffer.

OP responded:

She did come with that name and we were advised not to change it by the trainer. Ex knows this.

Ex also knows that trainer stated that Sherry should not go extended periods or even frequent short periods away from daughter as it will not only cause her anxiety (since my daughter is "her reason to be" in their words) as well as possible affect her training. He's just currently an idiot in the midst of a mid-late life crises.

Misa7_2006 wrote:

Also, what the AH doesn't understand is that stress is a major trigger for her illness. Not having her there could set off episodes and what is he going to do if he steps out for something, does this GF know what to do if she has an episode? Can you be sure she would even help the daughter if she had one, see as there is animosity between them over her support animal's name.

OP responded:

When she first moved in my ex tried to show her how to use my daughter's rescue med, which is in a nasal spray form and she was "ohhhh I don't need to learn! you or older sister will be here to do it!" This I didn't find out until my daughter told me she didn't want the dog there. Girlfriend is racking up the strikes!

discordian-floof wrote:

NTA As someone who lost my little brother to a grand mal seizure: Anything that can help reduce seizures takes precedence over someones fragile ego. My brother was epileptic since he was a kid. As a teenager he was so used to them, that he decided they weren't a "big deal". And definitely not worth doing all the boring things that helped reduce them.

To be fair, we did not really know they could be fatal either. The doctors never mentioned it, and always focused on ensuring he didn't hurt himself during the seizures. But he d**d in bed. From a big seizure that might have been preventable. Before he was even 20 years old. So yeah; New girlfriend and dad are terribly selfish people.

OP responded:

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Teens think they're indestructible, sadly. This happening to daughter is one of our greatest fears and daughter even slept with her sister for years (her wish not our pushing it) because she was afraid, too. This is another way Sherry has given her back her freedom and peace of mind, my daughter sleeps well knowing Sherry will bark and alert us during the night for an emergency.