'AITA for not allowing my ex-maid of honor to be a bridesmaid?'
"AITA for not allowing my ex-maid of honor to be a bridesmaid?"
Quick Backstory: My fiancé (m33) and I (f29) are getting married in Sept 26’. Our friends [fake names] Stan (m34) and Zoe (f33) just got married May 25’. We asked Stan and Zoe to be our BM and MOH, they both said yes.
In June my MOH calls and says she cant be my MOH anymore due to some health issues. Also she has to avoid stress, and isn't sure if she'd be able to handle the wedding planning and her own medical bills.
I tell her that if she still wants to be included or be a bridesmaid to keep me posted
Aug. 7th I ask my sister to be my new MOH.
The end of Aug. I check in with Zoe. She responds with “--the procedure went well I am still waiting on the official results, but the nurse said things looked good, so I am optimistic.”
I heard nothing after that and got my last brides maid in Sept.
November 4th Stan and Zoe reach out asking if Zoe is a bridesmaid?
I said "I already have my Bridal Party. We wanted you to take a break for your health. You're more than invited to all the events, so you can just have fun and dont have to worry about planning.”
Zoe's response “While I appreciate you considering my health I'm extremely hurt that you couldn't just text me. I don't even know how to process our relationship. I would have never done this to you.”
My fiancé says the four of us need to meet up to discuss this. We wanted to talk in person. Stan argues that they want to talk over the phone [We live in the same neighborhood and past their house every morning to take our dog on a walk]
Finally Stan responds by saying “- - you don't see just how hurt Zoe and I are by all of this. We have decided to cut ties with both of you.”
We have not spoken since. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Your best friend, best friend is suffering medical issues, and you text her twice over the course of several months? That's it???? That's all you do? You walk by her house every day and you don't stop by and drop off a snack? Give a quick hug? Nothing?
This is your "best friend"? I don't care about your wedding.
You suck. YTA.
I find it very strange you didn't speak to your friend for months. Especially considering you knew she was having serious health issues. YTA for that alone.
Did you not care about how Zoe's health stuff was going? You didn't check on her for months? Seems like an odd way to treat someone, especially someone you supposedly care about enough to have originally made your MOH.
Also, before making someone else the last bridesmaid, did OP not think to reach out to Zoe and check if she can do it, or give her notice OP had to decide soon and could Zoe think on it and let her know? They live in the same neighbourhood, at no point did they meet for coffee, or OP bring over food or offer help or have an opening (as you said) to check in?
Yeah, that’s where my thought goes too… if OP wanted to get the bridal party finalized and as she mentions in another comment, she did see the friend often in the neighbourhood and so had an idea of how friend was doing.
Then, she could have reached out to say ‘no pressure at all, but I’m looking to get the bridal party finalized, I would love to have you in it but understand if it’s too much stress. Otherwise I’m going to move forward with x number of bridesmaids’. Better communication would have avoided all of this.
YTA. You walk past their house every morning, and you aren’t checking in with your best friend who has health issues? Do you even like her?
YTA. This was your former MOH ( your bestie and you didn’t text her about it at all). She was the one having health issues and you just didn’t talk to her at all about it or about the wedding at all. Your bestie…
YTA. Since you told Zoe she could still be a bridesmaid, you definitely owed it to her to check before giving your last bridesmaid spot to someone else. Especially since Stan was still the Best Man. It's to be expected that if he is in the wedding party, then she would want to be a bridesmaid unless her health prevented it.
It is perfectly understandable that Stan doesn't want to be the Best Man if you're going to treat Zoe so badly. Now you've blown up the whole thing. Yes, she should have "kept you posted" better, but c'mon, it would not have been difficult to text her.
YTA. She was having health issues and from the context it looks like you messaged her ONCE in all those months to check on her but no other times???? Not sorry, that's so terrible of you. No wonder they cut ties, you're a terrible friend.
YTA It's interesting that you didn't check on your "best friend" with health issues for months, and then shrug and say "well I already have all my bridesmaids". I would have an odd number of bridesmaids if my "best friend" said she was well enough to be a bridesmaids a year before my wedding. Who cares? No one. I would want my best friend at my side.
YTA. A few months ago you told her you wanted her in your wedding. When she told you about her health issues, you told her she just had to let you know if she would be up for it. Now she has signaled she is up for it and you are just under a year from the wedding with plenty of time to make adjustments, but now you no longer want her in the wedding because you've already replaced her.
You won't even communicate with her in the way she's comfortable with because your husband wants to talk in person so you just threw away two friendships with people close enough to be your best man and maid of honor.