'AITA for not allowing my mom to bring her boyfriend to Thanksgiving?'

"AITA for not allowing my Mom to bring her boyfriend to Thanksgiving?"

My wife and I are hosting our first Thanksgiving in our new house, and we are having some conflict surrounding my mom's boyfriend "Rick" and if he should attend or not. My mom has been with Rick for a few years and he has always been polite to us though a bit standoffish and clingy with my mom.

I thought everything was good until over the summer, right after out wedding, my mom called my wife while she was in the car with Rick. She was using CarPlay and seemed to think she hung up when she didn't.

My wife overheard Rick ask my mom if I made a lot of money. IDK if it is relevant but Rick and my mom are both loaded. My mom asked why and he said he thought my career usually paid well, and then he was like "I'm a dick for saying this, but his wife is not pretty. I'd think he could afford better." My mom immediately told him off for being gross, but my wife was absolutely gutted.

She called me crying and I immediately called my mom and lost it. She was so embarrassed and apologized profusely. I believe my mom genuinely would never want to hurt us, but that doesn't change what he said. Rick apologized as well, but honestly screw him.

The issue is Thanksgiving is tomorrow and my wife never wants to see Rick again. My mom feels we are being unfair and that we should forgive him as he gave a "genuine apology" and he "never intended for anyone to hear that" She said she is sure we have conversations we would never want anyone to hear. i told her he absolutely cannot come, but I really hope she will.

Ultimately my mom decided to spend Thanksgiving with Rick and now the rest of the family is pissed at me. My aunt said I'm being a selfish brat when my mom has put me first my entire life, and my grandma said my wife needs to grow up and accept that he might not find her attractive.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

lemon_charlie wrote:

NTA. We're most honest when we don't realise we have an audience. Rick isn't sorry for what he said, he's sorry for being caught saying it. His idea that money is a priority for relationship value doesn't reflect well on him either, especially as he's using that to be negative about your wife.

Your mother knew enough to recognise his comments were wrong (without realising the call was still open, to her credit), but not enough that it's Rick she's drawing a line in the sand with rather than you.

SDstartingout wrote:

I've went back and forth on this, and I'm going to say - NAH for this Thanksgiving. If you make this a forever thing, you would be TA.

Look - I get this Thanksgiving, it's too soon. You need to support your wife. But what's the long term game here? Based on your post, your mom hasn't had a series of changing bfs. This seems to be the first thing she's really had, and it seems like its going to continue. If I condense the situation here:

Your mom has a long term boyfriend (Rick); while you didn't have a great relationship, it wasn't bad either. It was neutral. That's honestly how I'd expect most situations like this to be. There was 1 major issue; Rick said something that was inappropriate, but was also meant to be said in private. It was not done to intentionally cause harm. A genuine apology was made. Outside of this, there has been no issues.

I understand you need to support your wife; and I'm guessing she is insecure because the comment resonated with her at some level. Because let's face it - while everyone in this post is commenting on how awful of a thing it is to say (and it would be to say - to someone's face) - it's a pretty damn common thing in society.

'I can't believe they are with him, they could do so much better' - basing it 100% off physical appearance. And yes, for guy's especially, money/career helps drive how attractive of women you can date.

So look; yeah, it was bad. But it was said in what was supposed to be private. I realize my post will likely get downvoted; I read the other comments, I see how people are reacting to this post. But...I gotta say, as a guy in my early 40s - I grew up hearing things like this, and still hear it today. And no, not just from men. And it's not just guys; you hear it as much from women. And especially in older generations.

> He did apologize and I get her never intended for us to hear that. And intention matters. If he said this to be spiteful to your wife - I would get the lifetime ban.

But it wasn't. Which is my question to you: What's the long term plan here? In the grand scheme of things, assuming he continues to be a big part of your mom's life, are you really going to cut her out? What if they get married - are you not going to go to the wedding? If it's just this Thanksgiving, I get it.

Technograndma wrote:

So, this happened this past summer. And just now it’s being dealt with? Your wife and mom’s boyfriend haven’t seen each other since this happened? Has it just been crickets since then? Or has there been communication?

If he was even a little bit smart, the day after this happened he would have shown up, in person, flowers in hand. Groveling should have then taken place. Your wife is telling you she doesn’t want someone in her home who does not respect her. Believe her.

RiotBlack43 wrote:

NTA. Your family wouldn't be saying the same of it was them who was insulted. Rick is allowed to not find your wife attractive, what he isn't allowed to do is talk shit about her, and imply that you should purchase a new wife.

Personally, I'd be petty and spend the next week "accidentally" sending texts to my family members' spouses about how fucking ugly they are, then when they get mad just text, "Sorry, you weren't supposed see that, but I'm allowed to not find them attractive."

TheBewitchingwitch wrote:

NTA your wife is your priority, thank you for standing up for her, and your Mom has made it very clear Rick is her priority, if he said that to your Mom about your wife, I can only imagine what he says about your Mom to friends. He sounds superficial and vapid.

paul_rudds_drag_race wrote:

"She said she is sure we have conversations we would never want anyone to hear."

I’ve had plenty of conversations that I’d prefer people not to hear, but none of them involve being cruel. None of them involve saying anything about anyone in my friend and family circles that I wouldn’t say to their face.

"he 'never intended for anyone to hear that"

Gotta love how she and her boyfriend think that the error is being heard while it’s really about him saying something gross and misogynistic. Wife outranks some boyfriend anyway. Grandma and aunt can have a slice of STFU pie.

CeeceeATL wrote:

NTA - you are choosing your wife. I can’t imagine how painful that was for her to hear. I wouldn’t want to be around him either.

rombies wrote:

NTA, Rick’s not allowed over to my house either.