"AITA for telling my mom her husband is not welcomed at my house?"
I (F 27), grew up with my mom, younger brother and stepdad, my mom is married to him for 18 years now and is a very very toxic relationship, he had cheated on her many many times during those 16 years but she never left and I don’t know why.
Since the day I met him (I was 9 at the time) he always treated me with arrogance and was always mean to me, he always complained when my mom got me something.
He has a son from a previous marriage that is my age, his son was never a good kid in school and I was always the one with good grades. he always gave everything for his son and would be mad when anyone said that he was treating us with difference.
When I was a kid I didn’t care too much because I still had my mom on my side but my stepdad would wake up in the morning and the first thing he would say to me was “when are you getting out of my house?”, I was always very uncomfortable with that and seeing my mom not replying back to defend me always hurt me.
My mom and I are still very close, but as I was growing older my stepdad would be meaner and even more rude, he never hurt me physically but his words always hurt me like a knife on my chest, when I was 18 I was accepted in one of the biggest law schools in the country, full scholarship, highest points in the test.
I was so happy, her son went to engineering school and failed all classes while his dad paid 8k a month for him to go to the bar everyday with his friends and lie saying he was in class, I got pregnant with my first daughter and he called the school saying I gave up and didn’t wanted to study with them anymore, he screamed at me saying I had to pick up my stuff and get out of his house immediately.
My mom just looked at him, out me in the car and took my to my grandmas house (her mom) who told her I couldn’t stay, I went back to my moms house and said “I’m not leaving, the house belongs to my mom too!”, after that things was always getting worse, his mom was an angel and told me I could live with her, he got so mad and said to his mom that I should go to the street and she shouldn’t put me in her house.
4 years later I married my husband and we moved to the US, I’m in nursing school, work hard to give my daughter everything she needs and my husband adopted her, my stepdad looks at me with a angry face and talks about what I have now with a jealousy tone in his voice.
Now my mom wants to come over to visit and meet her new grandbaby, I told her she’s more than welcome to come over and stay, but only her and my brother and that I don’t want her husband in my house, she got upset and said that without him she can’t come.
I told her that he always mistreated me, always made me feel like trash when I always treated him with respect and politeness, but I was never welcome at his house so now that I have my own house and my own family, he is not welcome here. He’s free to come into the country, but not welcome to stay and come over to my house.
After saying that my mom got mad at me and said “he’s the one paying for my trip, if he’s not welcome I don’t think we can go." I told her I was fine with that, and if she will put him first once again they don’t need to come. Now she’s not talking to me anymore, so AITAH for telling her that her husband is not welcome at my house?
This is what people had to say to OP:
BritaAnd said:
NTA block her and her man baby husband. If she was a decent person she would have defended her child not the person mentally and emotionally abusing her child.
OP responded:
I did blocked her to give me some time to process everything, is hard because I always been very close to her but looking back I never really seen her defending me in front of him, it was always silence which makes me super sad.
Kaysue2478 said:
You need to stay away from that toxic mess. Be happy with your new life. I know it is hard and hurts, but it happens when you have an abusive step parent. Sorry you are feeling bad, but don't. Live your life here and now
OP responded:
I feel like a big weight was taken off my shoulders after I said that, I finally put my feelings out to her, things that I held for way too long! I’ll just let them live their lives and I’ll live mine
And Boggers111 said:
Your step father is an utter cruel POS and your mum is just an enabler.
She will never put you first ever, the sooner you realise this the better it will be fit you.
OP later shared this update:
Before I start the update let me put some stuff here that is kinda unclear on my original post!
My Stepdad has a son from a previous marriage (M 27), we were ok growing up together, he always left me alone and I did the same.
My mom and my stepdad had a son together, my younger brother (M15), he is mistreated by his dad just like his dad used to do with me and now he has image distortion with his body, he is very skinny but keeps saying he’s super overweight because of comments his dad made while he was growing up
I have an older brother (M 37) that is from my moms first marriage, he wasn’t mentioned here because he thinks my stepdad is a saint, he doesn’t know nothing that ever happened and I regret not telling him so today I told him everything!
UPDATE: To start this I have to say, I was having a conversation with my mom about a plastic surgery she wants to do and I keep telling her not to because she’s not healthy enough for it, her doctor said her heart can’t handle anesthesia (she has a heart condition), she’s been telling me that her husband gave her 17k for this surgery which I found out through my aunt yesterday that is a lie.
My mom been saving all of those years for this surgery but always claimed she had no money and I even paid for a lot of stuff for her because she always told me she was struggling, she just sold her car too so now she has the 17k plus 30k, more than enough money for her to come visit and go back and still have a lot of money.
She “thinks” I’m upset at her because of the surgery, when my aunt clearly told her that is not the main reason. She asked me to unblock her so she could talk to me, I was naive enough to think she wanted to apologize for something but she just said “I’m sorry if I made you worry, if my doctor say that I can’t do this surgery I won’t do it."
So I told her “you wanted to apologize about a surgery instead of apologizing for all of those years that your husband treated me like crap?”
My stepdad works for a huge company that produces paper and cellulose, he is an engineer and his role is project factories that will make paper and cellulose products, he makes 18-20k per month so they never struggled, when I was 13 the company asked him if he would be open to go to Texas and work in a different project there.
They would pay housing and schooling for his kids (including me), he denied and told my mom “I’m not gonna be taking your kid everywhere I go with my family for work”, his job always send him to different places to work and he always denied taking my mom with him because he didn’t wanted to take me too.
I finally exploded and told both of them I don’t want him here, he’s not welcome here and my husband also doesn’t want him here, if he refused a job opportunity to come here and always said he never wanted to come to the US he can stay there.
I told my mom that he doesn’t want to come to see us because he don’t care about me or my family/kids, he want to come to put food orders like he is in a resort and takes pictures to send to his family just to tell them he’s here living life.
I told him “you always treated me with disrespect, you always look at all of my achievements with jealousy and anger, I don’t need you close to my family, I don’t want my daughter to see his behavior and think that this is ok and I don’t want my son to see a POS man treating women like trash and think that he can do the same, I’m raising a man and he will be respectful, not like you!”
He gave my mom a look like “you’re gonna let her talk to me like this?” And my mom was just silent and was looking for excuses to hang up the call so they’re both blocked, he never texted me anyways so for me I don’t care.
I have this feeling like I lost my mom even though she’s alive and well, but I can’t force anyone to love me and care for me.
First: I’m sorry, English is not my first language but I hope everyone can understand what I’m saying.
Second: I tried to keep it short without much details because this still hurts me and I don’t want to remember any of that.